Calibrating …

Remember how we talked about how John Malkovich is my love?

Remember how I liked to make fun of all the tweens and their cougarlicious moms who camped out in Mt. Lebanon for weeks hoping to catch a glimpse of Taylor Mrowr Lautner who was living there while filming?

Remember how right below this post is a post about Lukey always trying to meet celebrities?

Congrats tweens and cougarlicious mamacitas and Hizzoner Master Lukey; the proverbial stalker tables have been turned.

The Karma Boomerang has rounded the bend and is heading for the bullseye on my ass as we speak.

John Malkovich is apparently living in Mt. Lebanon while serving as executive producer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

The first reported sighting of him in Pittsburgh that I received was that he was at the airport on Monday.

Tuesday he was in Squirrel Hill at CVS.

Wednesday he was at a Rite Aid in Upper St. Clair.

Then a few more sightings in Mt. Lebanon.

Then last night he was at Pizzaiolo Wine Bar in Mt. Lebanon, according to a Mikey/Big Bob listener.

The dude is clearly living in Mt. Lebanon and I clearly have problems that require professional help and the immediate surrender of my Stalk-O-Meter which has been calibrated to the Stun and Render Prone position since the first reported sighting of my love on Monday.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it and if you don’t this message will self-destruct all over your face, is to remain vigilant for any and all sightings of John Malkovich in the city of Pittsburgh. Email them to me so that I can get a good feel of his daily schedule which will make stalking him that much easier.

The second part of your mission is to bail me out when I’m found to be in violation of the restraining order that I’m sure is already being requested by his people.

Finally, if older women that stalk younger men are called cougars, what do you call younger women who stalk older men?

Don’t say “crazy.”


  1. Jen
    May 13, 2011 10:39 am

    Sorry, but I think the last day of filming is today:-( He’s been in USC all week. The only reason I even know is that the movie is filming at my son’s friend’s house.

  2. bucdaddy
    May 13, 2011 11:04 am

    If somebody gives me a 90-minute notice that he’ll be in Bado’s I’ll go and buy him a beer.

    Otherwise, I figure that in meeting a celebrity I like, I can only be disappointed.

    “He’s so short … I really thought her boobs would be bigger …”

    Who needs that?

  3. red pen mama
    May 13, 2011 11:04 am

    I think Ginny just read Jen’s comment, dropped everything she was doing, and sped to that IP address. (I’m sure her butler helped track it down.) And now she is happily ensconsed in a director’s chair at Jen’s “son’s friend’s house” watching her love work.

    I love Malkovich, although he doesn’t get me hot and bothered. Except for Dangerous Liasons.

    It’s the wig.

  4. Robert E Hunt Jr
    May 13, 2011 12:06 pm

    >> what do you call younger women who stalk older men?


  5. Dan (Not Onorato)
    May 13, 2011 1:20 pm

    >> what do you call younger women who stalk older men?

    How about….

    Personal assistants?
    Travel companions?
    Anna Nichole (Smith)?
    Future county prisoner number: 844583522349’er

  6. Summer
    May 13, 2011 1:22 pm

    Women of taste is what you call them.

  7. gunnlino
    May 13, 2011 1:32 pm

    I’m an “older” man , albeit not rich and famous , but I would like to sample a couple of those woman of taste you speaking of.

  8. bucdaddy
    May 13, 2011 1:34 pm

    Ahem: ‘Daddy is 53, about to turn 54 (in 10 days).

    Yes, stalkerish young ladies, I’m literally getting hotter by the second.

  9. empirechick
    May 13, 2011 1:44 pm

    bucdaddy: I’ll be 40 in 3 weeks – is that young enough? Does Mrs.Daddy have a gun?

  10. JT
    May 13, 2011 2:16 pm

    They’ll be filming in June for sure

  11. PG Wodehouse
    May 13, 2011 2:33 pm

    I think they call them the future Mrs. Joe Hardy.

  12. Burgh Bird
    May 13, 2011 3:39 pm

    PG Wodehouse- HA!

  13. LisaB
    May 13, 2011 11:18 pm

    @PG Wodehouse – Best. Comment. Ever.

  14. bucdaddy
    May 14, 2011 12:27 am

    @11 FTW.


    40 is not too young. Everyone under 53 is a girl to me.

    Mrs. Daddy is not armed, but she’s fisted.

    Wait … that came out wrong …

  15. Butcher's Dog
    May 14, 2011 8:52 am

    The Dog has ten years on bucdaddy. How much more smoldering is that?

    I actually liked “Heiresses” best as an answer, although the “Future Mrs. Joe Hardy” was certainly worth the silver medal.

    If Malkovic wanders into northern Mercer County I’ll let you know, although it’ll probably be evidence that only the “Stun” part actually worked.

  16. VAgirl
    May 14, 2011 9:03 am

    Step down Ginny, that man is mine. He is one of my self-united husbands. TPA and I am out the door with my stalk-o-meter.

  17. MattDC
    May 14, 2011 11:44 am

    A new first for Ginny. You managed to get your more “mature” male readers arguing over which one of them is more appealingly old. I refuse to submit an entry in that contest.

  18. Butcher's Dog
    May 14, 2011 1:06 pm

    @MattDC: I’m not really thinking this is much of an argument so far. Your refusal to enter the fray makes me think you don’t have much chance to win. Bucdaddy may think differently. Also, I’m not sure why “mature” is in quotations marks. Because it’s a euphemism for OLD! or because we don’t seem all that mature. Could be both, I know.

  19. bucdaddy
    May 14, 2011 1:54 pm

    Easy, B-Dog, easy. There’s plenty of young chicks for both/all of us (if I count that pup MattDC), and every year God lets us live, there are even more.

  20. MattDC
    May 14, 2011 1:58 pm

    @Butcher’s Dog: No, you can’t trick me that easily. The great benefit of the internet is that I can create a fantasy persona of youthful elan without revealing that I bought my first car during the Kennedy Administration. Whoops, that might have been too much. Suffice to say I (we) appreciate our leader’s focus on the inherent sex appeal of her cohort of aging male readers.

  21. unsatisfied
    May 14, 2011 3:04 pm

    man, there are some old farts on this blog.

  22. Butcher's Dog
    May 14, 2011 4:03 pm

    @MattDC: well, I could drive during the Kennedy administration. Legally, too.

    @unsatisfied: what did you expect? That young ‘uns were going to slather after Ginny? Seriously. Takes brains to run with this crowd. And stick around long enough and the emphasis will be more on “fart” than on “old”. As usual, just sayin’.

  23. The Right Honorable Member for, The Very Reverend Mother Her Duchal Serene Highness, Dr. Hortense Sussudio Fuckerfaster said
    May 15, 2011 6:23 am

    see, this is why the hollywood east thing is vastly overrated. i didn’t have to stalk my celluloid visionquest through always moderately reliable crowdsourcing.

    i merely went to blush and saw bridget the midget, secured info as to her online presence, waited for her to book a week at the bunny ranch, hey!

    i bet john malkovich, kevin smith, not even steve buscemi respect their fans enough to book a week at a glorified trailer i mean bungalow, in middle of nowhere, nevada at the world famous bunnyranch for meets and greets and whatnots.

    that is why i say no to hollywood east, and yes to the mons veneris of the mon valley. lets take those tax credits, and government subsides, and put them all into porn.

  24. Burgh Bird
    May 16, 2011 4:27 pm

    Um, can we get location tweets for Paul Rudd too?

  25. KTOhh
    May 19, 2011 2:39 pm

    “What do you call younger women who stalk older men?”

    Manther Hunters.

  26. LC
    May 19, 2011 7:10 pm

    Just found your blog — it’s hilarious! I grew up in Pittsburgh and I now live in Boston, so it’s great to hear your take on the Burgh. :)

    Just an FYI – John Malkovich was totally on my US Air flight from PGH –> BOS on Tuesday afternoon. He lives in Cambridge, so that’s not so unusual. For what it’s worth, he seemed pretty friendly. No one approached him (despite several yinzers gawking at him at the gate), he was packed on a shitty plane (one that did not offer first class) with the rest of us, and he patiently waited for Zone 3 to be called before boarding.

    It was weird, because my fiance saw him at Pizzaiolo the night before our flight (so that would be Monday of this week). Their waitress says he is there “all the time.” He sits at the bar. Happy hunting!!