Yesterday was the occasion of my niece’s second birthday party for which my parents gifted her a Little Tikes pink Cozy Coupe car.
My nine-year-old nephew loves to be a little macho man and therefore immediately took it upon himself to open the box, lay the various coupe car pieces about the floor of my mother’s family room, and then began reading the instructions. He was attempting to insert a longish metal bar into the main car carriage component when he piped up, “Dad. I need a hammer please.”
You shouldn’t need a hammer to put together a toddler’s plastic coupe car, son. Are you going to ask for the Jaws of Life next?
At my mother’s behest, the men took over, and my God, I want so badly right this second to put “men” in ironic quotation marks. Whoops. I just did.
My husband and brother-in-law Muchacho got to work like men do — putting the instructions aside until such a time as the situation became all effed up and they had no choice but to pick up the instructions to sheepishly determine how far back they’d need to disassemble that which they had already assembled.
45 minutes into assembly, they were still trying to get the wheels on and were both sweating hard in the quite cool room while surrounded by dozens of mocking pieces of pink and blue coupe car.
My niece grew impatient.
“I wan mah cooop cahr.”
A hammer was requested by the men.
My sister and I snickered. Jokes about circular saws and The Jaws of Life were tossed about.
My niece scowled angrily.
“I wan mah cooop cahr!”
Two hours in they were three quarters of the way done after wheels had been installed and removed. And installed and removed. It appeared they were auditioning to be members of a NASCAR pit crew. However, if you can’t put the plastic tires on a plastic pink coupe car in less than two hours, you should give up that NASCAR dream. Heck, give up your Toys R’ Us dream too.
“I wan mah cooop cahr now!”
I walked by as they were getting closer to the finish line.
Me: “Are you supposed to have like a dozen pieces left over like that?”
My sister: “Great. She’s going to ride that thing down the driveway and it is going to disintegrate beneath her.”
The “men”: [wiping sweat from their brows] “We aren’t DONE YET.”
Me: “Me and Pens Fan could have built that car by now.”
My mother: “GM could have built twenty actual cars by now.”
My husband: [angry sweaty Spanish words]
Muchacho: THEY. USE. ROBOTS.
Me to my husband: “Say ‘focus’ for me.”
Niece: “I WAN MAH COOOOP CAAAAHR!” [begins sobbing]
Pens Fan to my father: “See. You should have had this put together before the party.”
My father: “That’s not my job.”
Me: “You DID buy it for her.”
Muchacho: “I’m thinking circular saw.”
My husband: “Orale tu putisima …”
My niece: “I WAN MAH COOOOOOOP CAAAAAAAHR NNNNAAAAAOOOOOOOO!”
Hell: [breaks loose]
Eventually the car was successfully put together with no major tools and with only two important looking small parts left over.
The “men” assured us they’re “extra.”
We will believe them until the wheels fall off.
Does Little Tikes make pink plastic Jaws of Life?
Just in case.