Dear [your name here],

Due to what Cat Specter says is a “contract issue,” the Post-Gazette will no longer be running the Cat’s Call advice column and as such is on the hunt for their new advice columnist, open to anyone.

First, I must marvel at the fact that there are still people who write to advice columnists, because in this Internet day and age, all one has to do is ask Yahoo! Answers.

All of your life’s problems can be solved with Yahoo! Answers.

Marital problems, dating problems, childrearing problems, baking problems, financial problems, even emo problems:

I’d like to “report abuse” to the English language, please. Is there a button for that?

Regardless, if you want to be the next freelance advice columnist for the Post-Gazette, this is the question you need to answer:

I work closely with a female colleague to the point that people in the office joke that we’re each other’s “work spouse.” That’s all we do — work together (honest!). But my wife is growing more and more jealous and is constantly making critical comments about this woman. When I come home after work, she blasts me with questions: What did we do today? Did we have lunch together? etc., etc. Her jealousy is causing undue strain in our marriage. Should I ask to be reassigned?

Gosh, forget the best responses; in this day of mangled English, I hope they share the worst ones.

“Plzzzzz who u think u foolin’, u cheeting bitchhh. Y you gotta say HONEST!? Like Shakespeare said, me thinks u r protestant 2 much. Ur dime piece is jelly ‘cuase u literally must be talkin’ ’bout yo work wife all da damn time and she don preciate that. U make dis mess, so yeah, you best assk 2 b reassigned … 2 tha dawg hawse where youse belong, bowwow. Mmmm-hmmm. K thnx.”





13 Comments

  1. Joe K.
    May 25, 2011 12:29 pm

    So you’re doing the advice columnist gig now? :D

    I too am amazed at the stuff in those columns, as in, do they really NOT know what the answer to some of those questions are? Like if they should leave their partner that’s cheated on them a dozen times.



  2. bucdaddy
    May 25, 2011 12:41 pm

    I called it: James Harrison would know how to handle this.



  3. spoon
    May 25, 2011 12:50 pm

    I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself



  4. Magnus Patris
    May 25, 2011 12:55 pm

    @spoon WINNER!

    whybotherusingthespacebar? theworldBdoomedn’at!



  5. Scottq
    May 25, 2011 12:57 pm

    Well, at least now she’ll have more time to spend with her AA batteries…..lots of AA batteries….



  6. Jen
    May 25, 2011 1:31 pm

    I love that your best attempt fake bad English is still a million times easier to understand than the Emo girl’s actual bad English. Actually, that kind of makes me sad.



  7. Virginia
    May 25, 2011 1:34 pm

    Jen, I tried so hard, too. I went back through it like five times all, “No, that’s too grammatically correct.”



  8. Butcher's Dog
    May 25, 2011 2:04 pm

    And to think…this is the language Shakespeare used. Any time you start thinking we’re all the best there’s ever been ever, remember that.



  9. Mandy
    May 25, 2011 2:13 pm

    Am I the only one that wants to enter the PG’s contest with my advice being like ‘Why not just start having an affair with your co-worker. After all, if you’re going to be blamed for it anyway, may as well have some fun!’ Do you think they’d think I was serious?



  10. Bram R
    May 25, 2011 3:50 pm

    Shhh! Don’t tell them about Yahoo! Answers. Pretty soon they will be accepting offerings from citizen advice-columnists and student Etiquette majors.



  11. mfj
    May 25, 2011 3:56 pm

    This was my submission:

    If the old lady’s already giving you grief about this broad, then I say go for it. If it was me, I’d already be banging her like it was Chinese New Year in a gong factory. Find an empty conference room and get your work honeymoon started.

    Too spunky?



  12. The Maestro
    May 25, 2011 9:17 pm

    I’d definitely party with Cat…



  13. The Right Honorable Member for, The Very Reverend Mother Her Duchal Serene Highness, Dr. Hortense Sussudio Fuckerfaster said
    May 27, 2011 1:33 am

    meh, the world won’t really be going to hell until colleges accept a portfolio of answers to yahoo questions and fml posts in lieu of an essay.

    my advice:

    if your wife at home is accusing you of cheating on her, it means she is cheating on you. her possessiveness is either a sham, or, she doesn’t want you getting some, like she is getting some. greedy.

    the good news is, this is actually something men and women have in common. the best way in the cheater’s mind to delay suspicion, is to turn the tables.

    now that you have realized your spouse is cheating, do you care? can you afford to care? your spouse has already claimed the butthurt, and even graphic evidence of their infidelity will only get you back to even, in the relationship or in court. your only recourse is to respond by requesting polyamory or some sort of open marriage, perhaps with a prelude towards swinging. but that is only if you really don’t have any better options.

    notice, i didn’t mention the actuality of your workplace situation. this is because it doesn’t matter. this is because you are a cheater. now be honest with your spouse and commence to banging anything that moves.