The baby falcons that live atop the Gulf Tower had their check-up/banding this morning in the Make A Wish offices on the 37th floor (more on that soon), and I was thrilled to attend for the chance to visit my pigeon-eating minions up close and personal for the first time as the National Aviary and the Pennsylvania Game Commission got to work.
After the five babies were retrieved from their perch, they were brought into a conference room to be checked out, banded, weighed, etc.
A baby falcon has basically one facial expression and that is this: “I will choke a bitch.”
That falcon is thinking about choking bitches. So is this one:
As the first falcon was examined, its brothers/sisters waiting in boxes nearby, things weren’t too loud. This bird was a cool customer. Thinking about choking bitches, but doing it quietly.
I think it was by the second bird that things started getting loud. The falcon babies began to show their great displeasure with the poking and prodding.
Claws came out.
Let me pull you aside at this point and tell you that when my daughter was a baby, she had this way of crying in the car that just made me want to put my fist through the windshield. I love her more than the air I breathe, but when she would do this cry, it sounded like shrieking demons choking on dying cats. It was enough to make me cover my ears and start rocking myself calm. I used to say, “I love her, but that is the most annoying sound in the world.”
Guess what? NEW MOST ANNOYING SOUND IN THE WORLD! Angry baby falcons.
Once one of the falcons started … I don’t even know what to call it. Squawking? Shrieking? Invoking the name of Beelzebub? Whatever it was, it had a domino effect. “You’re pissed? Brother, you ain’t seen pissed. Watch this!”
Enjoy this little video of pissed off baby falcons who want to choke bitches with their pointy pigeon-killing claws. I will pay you a dime if you watch the entire 1:34 without turning the volume down or covering your ears all, “LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOUR EVIL DEMON-SHRIEKING.” Please note how much of a “I will choke a bitch” vibe that falcon is giving me at the :20 mark.
Having spent some time with the falcons, allow me to translate what they’re saying.
OMG. OMG. OMG. WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? ALIEN ABDUCTION! POKING PRODDING! WTF? I WILL CHOKE ALL YOU BITCHES.
[Takes a bow]
You can watch these newly banded birds right here. Also, the falcon chicks wanted me to give a message to the pigeons: