That's Church

Last night was the finals of Dancing with the Stars featuring Hines Ward and partner Kym Johnson taking on some chick named Something Something and Kirstie Alley.

I didn’t watch the show live, but caught up this morning and found both dances highly entertaining.

Here’s the quickstep video. Love how downright giddy he gets at 2:18.

And here’s the freestyle. S for Steeler? S for Super? S for shake what your mama gave you ’cause the rules don’t apply anymore?

Bonus: Michael Jacksonesque crotch-grab at 2:50.

Jerome and Franco and Lynn at 3:15.

Terrible Towels all over the damn place.

I’m pretty sure Hines has this in the bag because 1. He’s got Steeler Nation on his side, 2. I don’t see Kirstie Alley having a strong enough fan base, and 3. No one on the planet has ever heard of Something Something.

Right?

Two interesting news items coming out of the new Tom Corbett administration.

1. The new secretary of health it seems had a snit in a diner in Harrisburg when he thought the eggs he was being served had been sitting on the griddle for some time (it seems they hadn’t), resulting in the diner being inspected by the city health department. You can read the story, but all you need to know is this:

What followed, Mr. Hanna says, was a testy exchange that culminated with Mr. Avila shouting, “Do you know who I am? I am the secretary of health!”

There is just something so ridiculous about following an angry “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” by shouting “I’m the secretary of health!”

It’s like “Do you know who I am?! I’m the director of marketing and communications!”

Pro-tip: Unless you are the president of the United States or Justin Bieber, don’t ever preface a statement with, “Do you know who I am?” because either they don’t know, or they do know and they just don’t give a crap. Either way, you sound like a douchebag.

Note to self: Cross “Commonwealth of Pennsylvania” off of your list of possible future employers.

2. Gary Alexander, the head of the state’s public welfare department, has outlined in a memo to his staff, what he expects from their professional attire.

Others may defy explanation for the female 45-and-under crowd: No open-toed shoes, please. And panty hose or tights are a must, which, taking the next logical step, presumes leaving your dress slacks at home.

Executive staff weren’t the only ones told what to wear. Employees in a program that helps groom them for leadership roles were told by e-mail that to attend an April 27 luncheon featuring a speech by Alexander, they should wear “professional dress.”

“For men, this means a suit and tie,” the e-mail said. “And for women, this means closed-toe shoes and nylons or tights.”

Okay, now there are certain professional places of work that I think women may want to eschew the open-toed, bare legs look and that would be in the courtroom and in the operating room.

Otherwise, I firmly believe that in 2011, when there are adorable and professional looks like these, that no man should tell his female office staff that they must wear skirts, pantyhose, and closed-toe shoes unless he first spends a week working in a skirt, pantyhose, and closed-toe shoes.

Amen and that’s church.

1.  “Dear extreme couponers, the only thing you need 93 jars of is Nutella,” will be the fourth chapter in my forthcoming book, I Have My Deepest Thoughts While Licking the Inside of the Nutella Jar.

Have you watched that show on TLC?! One woman bought 93 bags of croutons. Another had an enormous stash of cat treats and SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE  A CAT!

What the effie?!

2. Have you lived? No, you haven’t. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen KDKA’s Jim Lokay running in slow motion while wearing a sumo suit for the KISS Morning Freakshow’s Slow Motion Mondays. I don’t want to give the ending away, but, BOOM!

I’d pay a cash dollar bill to see Wendy Bell do this.

3. I have never wanted a tattoo until this post put the idea of a Calvin and Hobbes tattoo into my brain: 21 Super Fun Calvin and Hobbes Tattoos!

I love slide #10 and I want to know what’s tattooed on her other foot.

(h/t Charles)

4. The celeb news sites are doing a good job of keeping tabs on Emma Watson while she’s in town filming The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

• They’ve got her taking a walk with a co-star.
• Going to a local gym.
• Hanging out in a bookstore.
• Signing autographs for fans.

Gosh darn whippersnappers! Where’s John Malkovich FOR THE LOVE OF OLDSTERS!?

5. The Trib has some awesome pictures of what the inside of the Civic Arena looks like now. Kind of eerie.

6. Speaking of the arena, the family that bought the Pontiac Silverdome says they have a “special” idea to save the arena, even though they haven’t ever visited it or Pittsburgh.

Color me skeptical.

7. This the final year for the Kevin Gatons Memorial 5K Run and Walk on May 30 (my birthday, which is hereby canceled on account of I’m getting older), which raises funds for two scholarships given in his name. Kevin was an avid runner and the track coach at Greensburg Salem who died while running in 2006, leaving behind his wife and three young children.

Kevin’s wife remains an avid runner, recently finishing ninth in the marathon.

Help make the final year of the race a big success!

8. Last night was Glitzburgh’s fashion show fundraiser at Whim benefiting Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh and seen walking the runway were two Official Smoking Hot Burghers, Gina Cerilli and Elena LaQuatra. Gina tweeted this picture of the two of them with James Harrison while wearing his Super Bowl rings.

It’s nice how he trusts them not to run off with the rings because if that was me borrowing that bling? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a THIEF IN HEELS!

9. Burgher Sonni Abatta (I don’t care if she doesn’t live here anymore; she’s still a Burgher) got married last week!

Check her out in her wedding dress. We always knew she’d be a stunning bride.

10. Finally, Mike Rupp easily is one of the funniest pro athletes I follow on Twitter. Saturday, he tweeted his rapture outfit. Just in case.:

So funny, I forgive the hat, you traitor.

Let’s go, Bucs!

Good Monday morning.

As a solar-powered human being (yes, they make those, ’cause I’m one) this weekend was heaven. Now back to the daily grind, here’s two things for you to go read while I work on a few other posts (Morton! Maholm! Random n’at! Steelers house in Texas! JIM LOKAY IN SLOW MOTION! HERMIONE!).

1. JUNE COLUMN!

My June column is up over at PittsburghMagazine.com, this one about my misguided ten-minute notion that living in Paris would be a dream come true. A snippet:

My impression is that all French women are model-thin with long hair that smells of hazelnut and angel wings. Their lips are perfectly pouty. They exit the womb with a tiny French manicure. And they apparently receive lifetime couture wardrobes from the priciest fashion houses—simply because they were born in France.

It’s kind of like how we’re given a Social Security card. Here’s a little blue card with a 10-digit number we made up just for you, Mary. Custom-made, insanely expensive wardrobe for you, Sabine.

Go read about how in France, you’re supposed to go grocery shopping EVERY DAY or the French people will give you snotty, haughty, poopy looks. Also, they’ll bitchslap a soda can right outta yo hands.

Hat tip to the great Brian O’Neill for coining the phrase “Paris of Appalachia.”

Next month … my letter to Roberto Clemente. It gets real.

2. FLASH MOB DANCE!

I also have a new post up, this one about a flash mob dance that took place at the CASA Rally for Children on the steps of the City County Building last week. You remember CASA because Bruce Arians’ wife is one of the advocates that works with the children and it was their event that I met Mike Wallace.

Like I say in the post, the lone male in the dance group makes me happy. He dances like no one’s watching. I have never danced like no one is watching, not even when I’m dancing and no one is watching.

Also, I have had “Firework” stuck in my head since then. Ridiculously catchy chorus that kicked “King of Wishful Thinking” to the ear curb.

Click here to read and see the video I took. As you watch it, remember, they’re dancing for forgotten children. That makes it so much more powerful.

More soon!

This is the story all about how a pigeon didn’t get run over by a bus.

What stands out to normal people?

Wow! Lucky pigeon!

Wow! Great driver to so narrowly miss the pigeon!

What stands out to me?

THE PIGEON DIDN’T EVEN BLINK.

The most terrifying enemy is the enemy that is utterly fearless in the face of imminent death.

The pigeons have evolved.

I bet this has something to do with the rapture being tomorrow.

(h/t @D_Timko and Todd)