That's Church

Since we’re about to talk about the Steelers, I know many of you are wondering why I haven’t written anything about Hines since his first week on Dancing With the Stars. The reason is that I hate his stupid face. KIDDING.

The real reason is … I don’t watch the show. [ducks]

Please don’t whip me with your wet Terrible Towels. I simply have too much recording on my DVR on Mondays (I’d tell you which shows, but you’d judge me with your judgey judgments) and am never really able to catch it live because MAH LIFE IS CAH-RAZY, which is the phonetic spelling of how I shout it into the sky at least once a day.  I try to follow what I can online after the fact. Things like his partner getting hurt (the video of that will make you cringe. I mean … OUCH!), Sally Wiggin and Troy and Jerome and others showing up to support him as he moves on to the finals, his perfect score on the tango, etc. So just because I’m not writing about it, doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Now, on to Troysus!

I’m late to this because [shouts to the sky with raised fist] mah life is cah-razy!

Troy Polamalu has spent his time off from football thanks to the labor dispute by finishing his degree at USC.

Look at Troy on the day he walked to get his diploma for a bachelor’s degree in History this past weekend.

(www.troy43.com)

Troy wrote on his website:

The majority of top picks in the NFL get drafted before they complete their college education. I truly love football and it’s such an immense blessing and privilege as an athlete to be given the rare opportunity to use those talents at the highest professional level, but it’s certainly not a replacement for an education. So I decided to finish what I started and walked that stage today not only because it was very important to me personally, but because I want to emphasize the importance of education, and that nothing should supersede it.

He’s holding a contest for Student of the Year and will be awarding three autographed jerseys, so go to his website if you are a teacher/faculty who know some awesome students.

Let’s get a Burgher one of those jerseys!

I know it’s not good of me to say because I should be a mature mom-adult and say, “Tsk,” but this dude who ran into the field on the Pirates home opener day is AWESOME.

Because he did it with such joy. He ran with abandon, smiling, pointing at each Pirate he passed all, “YOU! ROCK!”

He managed to evade security with some sweet pivot and hopping moves …

before slipping and falling and isn’t that how it always ends in the horror movies? Running from whatever is chasing you and then you slip and fall and the audience shouts at you for being a clumsy fool and then it’s all over.

(Getty Images)

My nephew, who we’ve discussed before, is a HUGE sports fan. Like I’ve never known a kid could be as obsessed with all sports as this kid. He can quote obscure players of any sport, stats, win/loss records, batting averages, etc. So he watches a lot of Sports Center with his dad and therefore he’s seen lots of awesome video highlights of fans charging various fields from baseball to football.

Which explains why he made this while playing Legos at the Birthday Party of Cozy Coupe Hell.

Yes, if you look closely, he’s being tased with an orange Lego.

I thought the wife beater and eye patch were a nice bad-guy touch.

So, who eventually won? The security or the fan?

Well …

I guess he’s not one of those taser-resistant drunks.

Yesterday was the occasion of my niece’s second birthday party for which my parents gifted her a Little Tikes pink Cozy Coupe car.

My nine-year-old nephew loves to be a little macho man and therefore immediately took it upon himself to open the box, lay the various coupe car pieces about the floor of my mother’s family room, and then began reading the instructions. He was attempting to insert a longish metal bar into the main car carriage component when he piped up, “Dad. I need a hammer please.”

We laughed.

You shouldn’t need a hammer to put together a toddler’s plastic coupe car, son. Are you going to ask for the Jaws of Life next?

At my mother’s behest, the men took over, and my God, I want so badly right this second to put “men” in ironic quotation marks. Whoops. I just did.

My husband and brother-in-law Muchacho got to work like men do — putting the instructions aside until such a time as the situation became all effed up and they had no choice but to pick up the instructions to sheepishly determine how far back they’d need to disassemble that which they had already assembled.

45 minutes into assembly, they were still trying to get the wheels on and were both sweating hard in the quite cool room while surrounded by dozens of mocking pieces of pink and blue coupe car.

My niece grew impatient.

“I wan mah cooop cahr.”

A hammer was requested by the men.

My sister and I snickered. Jokes about circular saws and The Jaws of Life were tossed about.

My niece scowled angrily.

“I wan mah cooop cahr!”

Two hours in they were three quarters of the way done after wheels had been installed and removed. And installed and removed. It appeared they were auditioning to be members of a NASCAR pit crew. However, if you can’t put the plastic tires on a plastic pink coupe car in less than two hours, you should give up that NASCAR dream. Heck, give up your Toys R’ Us dream too.

“I wan mah cooop cahr now!”

I walked by as they were getting closer to the finish line.

Me: “Are you supposed to have like a dozen pieces left over like that?”

My sister: “Great. She’s going to ride that thing down the driveway and it is going to disintegrate beneath her.”

The “men”: [wiping sweat from their brows] “We aren’t DONE YET.”

Me: “Me and Pens Fan could have built that car by now.”

My mother: “GM could have built twenty actual cars by now.”

My husband: [angry sweaty Spanish words]

Muchacho: THEY. USE. ROBOTS.

Me to my husband: “Say ‘focus’ for me.”

Niece: “I WAN MAH COOOOP CAAAAHR!” [begins sobbing]

Pens Fan to my father: “See. You should have had this put together before the party.”

My father: “That’s not my job.”

Me: “You DID buy it for her.”

Muchacho: “I’m thinking circular saw.”

My husband: “Orale tu putisima …”

My niece: “I WAN MAH COOOOOOOP CAAAAAAAHR NNNNAAAAAOOOOOOOO!”

Hell: [breaks loose]

Eventually the car was successfully put together with no major tools and with only two important looking small parts left over.

The “men” assured us they’re “extra.”

We will believe them until the wheels fall off.

Does Little Tikes make pink plastic Jaws of Life?

Just in case.

1. The third chapter in my forthcoming book I Have My Deepest Thoughts While Licking the Inside of the Nutella Jar will be my world-famous no-longer-secret recipe for Ginny’s Nutella Bananas.

Ingredients: One peeled banana whole, one jar of Nutella

Instructions: Using a butter knife, slather the banana with Nutella. Take a bite. Do you still taste banana? Continue to slather the banana with additional Nutella. Take a bite. Do you still taste banana? Slather additional Nutella onto the banana. Take a bite. Are you now questioning why there is a banana in this recipe if all you taste is Nutella? Perfect. You have achieved the desired banana/Nutella ratio!

Pre-order now!

2. Here’s two charts to share with you, one that will make Nutella lovers smile and one that will make everyone smile.

This one is from I Love Charts, and gosh, who doesn’t love charts. Charts are where it’s at. I think that’s what I’ll call my next book.

(h/t @jverbz)

And this chart from some place:

This is probably the official logo of the Church of Bobby McFerrin.

(Here’s where I found the picture, and I tried to follow the links to credit the original source, but I fell down the Internet Rabbit Hole and the Queen of Hearts scared the bejeesus out of me so I got the heck out of Internet Dodge.)

3. John Malkovich sightings continue to roll in because you guys are awesome. This weekend he was spotted on the South Side taking in the sights. I need to find a way to get a read on his phone’s GPS so I can track him in real time. What?

4. There’s a new art show at Wildcard running until June 30, this one called “Pretty as a Pittsburgh,” by artist Chantal de Felice who creates amazing Pittsburgh scene jewelry, usually focusing on Bloomfield. This is her “Fish Sammich” necklace which pays homage to Armand’s in Bloomfield:

This show will feature her Pittsburgh art, of which originals and prints will be for sale, as well as some of her jewelry. She’ll be in town from L.A. for an artist’s reception on May 20 from 6-9 p.m. at Wildcard too! Free admission!

5. Last year 12-year-old Little League baseball player Elliot Mast of Altoona raised over $5,000 for Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh by taking donations for each hit he had and each strikeout he threw. This year, he’s doing it all again and he needs donations to help him reach his goal in this his final year of Little League ball. Elliot was born with a club foot and there was fear he wouldn’t ever be able to walk correctly, and thanks to Children’s, he’s doing more than just walking.

Here’s a brief 2-minute video that sums up this year’s campaign. You’ll see Elliot with Paul Maholm, Elliot at Penn State’s THON, and more.

You guys, kids are amazing. I am learning this every day through kids like Genre Baker and Elliot Mast. You’d think at age 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, that kids would be completely wrapped up in themselves. Me me me me. But I’ve learned that there are plenty of kids out there who spend so much time trying to figure out how take the focus off of themselves and put it on helping other people. And that makes my heart hurt in a good good way.

More info and how to donate here!

6. Regis Philbin talked about the Pirates five games ago and they haven’t won since. Balls on a stick, people. BALLS ON A STICK.

7. If these submissions to Shit my Students Write are real, we are so screwed, future.

The stocks and bonds went bad and shit fell in stocks and bonds starting the depression. All these Act and laws really didn’t help. People lost jobs and money. They tried getting shit back on track.

Shit is just so hard to get back on track sometimes, eh?

I mean, you try to get your shit together and then it just goes all [off track].

Remember how we talked about how John Malkovich is my love?

Remember how I liked to make fun of all the tweens and their cougarlicious moms who camped out in Mt. Lebanon for weeks hoping to catch a glimpse of Taylor Mrowr Lautner who was living there while filming?

Remember how right below this post is a post about Lukey always trying to meet celebrities?

Congrats tweens and cougarlicious mamacitas and Hizzoner Master Lukey; the proverbial stalker tables have been turned.

The Karma Boomerang has rounded the bend and is heading for the bullseye on my ass as we speak.

John Malkovich is apparently living in Mt. Lebanon while serving as executive producer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

The first reported sighting of him in Pittsburgh that I received was that he was at the airport on Monday.

Tuesday he was in Squirrel Hill at CVS.

Wednesday he was at a Rite Aid in Upper St. Clair.

Then a few more sightings in Mt. Lebanon.

Then last night he was at Pizzaiolo Wine Bar in Mt. Lebanon, according to a Mikey/Big Bob listener.

The dude is clearly living in Mt. Lebanon and I clearly have problems that require professional help and the immediate surrender of my Stalk-O-Meter which has been calibrated to the Stun and Render Prone position since the first reported sighting of my love on Monday.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it and if you don’t this message will self-destruct all over your face, is to remain vigilant for any and all sightings of John Malkovich in the city of Pittsburgh. Email them to me so that I can get a good feel of his daily schedule which will make stalking him that much easier.

The second part of your mission is to bail me out when I’m found to be in violation of the restraining order that I’m sure is already being requested by his people.

Finally, if older women that stalk younger men are called cougars, what do you call younger women who stalk older men?

Don’t say “crazy.”