Donde estan los pantalones?!

Dear lax parents of the the Burgh,

If you’re going to leave your toddler alone long enough for that child to find a way out of the house and down the street, is it asking too much that you keep your children clothed at the very least? Give them a fighting chance against the elements?




Now, these are just the cases of wandering, lost toddlers found wearing DIAPERS in the last eight months. I’m not even looking up stories of wandering toddlers lucky enough to be wearing actual pants.

Something needs to be done before Pittsburgh becomes known as the Most Livable City Where the Toddlers Wander the Streets in Dirty Diapers and In Some Cases, One Shoe.



  1. bucdaddy
    June 3, 2011 1:49 am


    More and more I understand why you drink.

  2. Tanya
    June 3, 2011 9:14 am

    I was threatened with being sold to the gypsies, as well. There was no “Face”, child molesters or the phrase “Axe Murder” involved, however. I find the recollections hilariously twisted – but am grateful my parents weren’t THAT intent on scaring the bejeezus out of me. Their version was relatively benign. The ominous term manifested later in life when I was 20 and waiting tables in Delaware. There was a colorful couple – the man was hirsute and wore an enormous lion’s head ring and garish gold medallions, the woman was large with wild black hair and eyes that could kill you with a glance. They were always accompanied by a slew of banshee children, though the exact number and ages seemed to vary each visit. They were loud, messy, ridiculously demanding and often did not tip. Their arrival would inspire a scramble of terror by the serving staff, who would run, huddle and furiously pray that they would not be seated in their section. On my first encounter, I watched the scene in wonder. My inquiries were met with shrieks of “The gypsies! The gypsies!” I couldn’t help but think, “So this is who my mother threatened to sell me to all those years ago!” Had I met them as a child, the threat would have been much more effective. They were a nightmare.

  3. red pen mama
    June 3, 2011 12:13 pm

    @spoon, Axe Murder Hollow! OMG! Erie fist-bump! I have a true, terrifying story about that site. In short, though: don’t go there after viewing The Exorcist.

  4. spoon
    June 3, 2011 1:30 pm

    @bucdaddy Even if it’s crap I drink it so you don’t have to. Well not literally but I’m under contract to say our tag line.

    @rpm I’m waiting to hear a story from @woycheck about him falling down the steps.