Jedediah Stoltzfoos stars in The Amish Hangover

… coming soon to a theater near you!

Four Mercer County teenagers, some of them apparently Amish, are in Dutch with state police after they allegedly damaged a mailbox during a drunken Sunday night horse-drawn-cart ride.

According to a state police report, the four, ages 17 to 19, consumed alcohol and damaged property along Stockfarm Road in Lake. Police found the group when their cart became disabled along Hosack Road.

1. The next time someone asks me, “What is the most damage four drunk Amish teenagers could do with a horse-drawn-cart?” I will know with certainty that the answer is, “They could damage a mailbox.”

2. Do the Amish have traffic reports? “There’s a disabled horse-drawn cart along Hosack Road. Recommend you stay in and read your bible.”

3. When the police arrived, do you suppose the boys were so drunk they were laughing their butts off all, “OMG. I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE BOOKS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT! WHAT COMES AFTER HABAKKUK?!”

4. I would pay good money to see a movie about Amish teenagers getting into drunken mischief. Snakes in the butter churn! Loosening the nails at the barn raising! Cattle tipping! Getting all the pigs drunk! Hide the bibles! Cut all the balls of yarn in half! Paint all the horses pink! Leave a cell phone laying out in the open!

Call it Jackass: Amish.

 





27 Comments

  1. Gina
    June 8, 2011 10:34 am

    I went to college in an Amish town and you would sometimes see an Amish kid passed out on a frat house couch.



  2. bucdaddy
    June 8, 2011 10:47 am

    Mercer County = North Fayette?

    Did they use baseball bats? Wooden ones, obviously, not aluminum.



  3. red pen mama
    June 8, 2011 10:47 am

    There is a documentary out there called… something. I have to look it up. The Amish release their young into the wild for a year and then take them back. Rumishpringer? Rumpuspringer? something like that. They have an amazingly high return rate (says this cynic). However, if these teen had been on their year of freedom, they probably would have been driving a stolen car.



  4. Nathan J
    June 8, 2011 10:56 am

    how does the *cart* become disabled? did the horse get loose and run away?



  5. Bridget
    June 8, 2011 11:00 am

    The documentary is called “Devil’s Playground”. It is worth a Netflix.



  6. Margaret
    June 8, 2011 11:03 am

    They show “Devil’s Playground” on NatGeo and other similar channels from time to time. I saw it listed on one channel (not sure which) just a few days ago. It is very interesting!



  7. unsatisfied
    June 8, 2011 11:17 am

    when I lived in northeast ohio, this was pretty much a weekly occurrence.



  8. Scott
    June 8, 2011 11:21 am

    I will join the chorus on “Devil’s Playground”. Highly recommended. Those kids party way harder than I ever did at that age, and I thought my posse got pretty wild….crazy.



  9. spoon
    June 8, 2011 11:28 am

    The wifey is from Amish country and has told me stories about how the young kids get all looped on moonshine and other shit they make themselves. I wouldn’t mess with the Amish when it comes to power drinking and that says a lot.



  10. Katrina
    June 8, 2011 11:29 am

    It’s called Rumspringa! This sort of wild revelry is fairly common. Teenagers go off and do crazy stuff- wear ‘English’ (regular) clothes, drink, do drugs, have naughty sexing, etc. Get it out of their systems without punishment (unless, of course, they destroy property. That’s another issue altogether), and then they get baptized and officially become adult members of the church and settle down to quietly making babies, growing tobacco and selling fresh produce on the honor system.

    This update is from your friendly local Pennsylvania Dutch girl turned burgher.



  11. Lauren C.
    June 8, 2011 11:51 am

    @ Katrina: I’m also an Amish Country girl turned ‘Burgher and I really miss buying veggies at roadside stands on the honor system.



  12. big chuck
    June 8, 2011 11:59 am

    i do a lot of work with the amish and some of the stories they tell are unreal, those boys really know how to party.



  13. Jess
    June 8, 2011 12:07 pm

    I went to college in Amish country, too – those kids were really good at beer pong.



  14. Monty
    June 8, 2011 12:48 pm

    They may be good at partying, but that’s no excuse for bowling 15-frame games.



  15. lovesthenorthside
    June 8, 2011 12:59 pm

    @monty — nice kingpin reference!



  16. Magnus Patris
    June 8, 2011 1:26 pm

    Whatever happened to @HotAmishChick on Twitter? I miss her. :-(



  17. Butcher's Dog
    June 8, 2011 1:37 pm

    Mercer County! Now you’re playing at MY home field! The rampages aren’t “common” like, say, shootings in da burgh. But they happen. My surprise at the story is that it happened on a Sunday night. Most hard-cores have church every Sunday night, and they aren’t out in a hour, either. I’m surprised they had time to get drunk afterwards.

    Our local Aldi’s has a hitching post, in case you’re wondering about my credibility here. Also hear clip-clop along the road past my house three or four times a week.

    I’ve heard freedom periods called either “going English” or “going Yankee”. I believe the terms are interchangeable. As to Ginny’s #4, we have normal kids who do cow tipping and I don’t think any Amish kid, drunk or sober, would mess with the nails at a barn raising. There’s be some big-time ass-whoopin’ from the adults to anyone who tried. As Cooter used to say on the Dukes of Hazzard: “I may be crazy but I ain’t dumb.”



  18. BurghGirl@Heart
    June 8, 2011 2:00 pm

    Wow Ginny is on a roll this week. First cutting taxes to the state so she can save on her zima and apple pucker at the liquor store, then today taunting PETA and making fun of the Amish. What got her all feisty? I like it!!

    On a side note, as a Burgher now in Texas, I totally want to hang out with David Terry on football Sundays. Just sayin’



  19. KGC
    June 8, 2011 4:03 pm

    What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop..?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    An Amish drive-by shooting.



  20. cmd_45
    June 8, 2011 5:43 pm

    Our college was surrounded by Amish farms. It was not uncommon to hear the young men “speeding” their buggies down the street at a gallop or playing video games at the local pizza place on a Friday night. I never saw any drunk Amish boys, though.



  21. Pa-pop
    June 8, 2011 6:40 pm

    I wonder if there was a “How am I driving?” bumper sticker on that buggy?



  22. LisaB
    June 8, 2011 7:14 pm

    The first thing I thought of when I saw this was Weird Al doing “Amish Paradise”. Now I have a damn earworm.



  23. OnlyMyOpinion
    June 9, 2011 12:25 am

    @KCG That joke is stale.



  24. Brian T.
    June 9, 2011 8:52 pm

    Amish traffic reports. Classic.



  25. Brian T.
    June 9, 2011 8:53 pm

    I think the closest a movie ever came to showing Amish teenagers getting into mischief was “Footloose”.



  26. Joseph Slabaugh (Amish.co)
    June 12, 2011 1:22 pm

    Hello, I am a former Amish, and found the comments funny, but the documentary you guys were looking for is called Devils Playground.



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