The Pillsbury Doughboy called …

Welcome to That’s Church!

You have stumbled here likely due to a Google search and I’m happy to tell you that finally, FINALLY, after years and years of “Ben Roethlisberger shirtless” searches, you have hit pay-dirt, you batshit, disturbed lover of all things gross and fug and allegedly sexually violent.

Thanks to TMZ, not only is The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross shirtless, he’s on video! In the flesh!

See the pasty, doughy flesh of this professional athlete’s A-cup moobs?! SQUEEE!

Is it everything you’ve ever dreamed of?! Was it worth the wait?! Will you print this out and tuck it under your Ben Roethlisberger pillow before kissing his Fathead goodnight?

P.S. I kid, but these Steelers did a cool thing while at the park, making a donation to the scholarship fund. Well done.

P.P.S.  I’ve seen ice cubes with darker flesh than Brett Keisel’s.


  1. wish I was the fiance
    June 15, 2011 5:43 pm

    Don’t quote me on any of this because it was in an article I read a long time ago.
    But basically, a quarterback does not need big bulging muscles or washboard abs. A quarterback needs to have long and lean muscles. I guess it has to do with the throwing motion or something like that.
    He’s 6’5 and its easier to take down a grizzly bear than it is to take down Big Ben. Plus have you seen the mans calves? They are perfect, he has chicken legs (the better to escape the pocket with my dear), he has a cannon for an arm (the better to throw touchdowns with my dear) and the natural ability sense when a big oaf is going to knock him into next tuesday.
    Those things are more important than washboard abs, oh and he has a nice ass (thats just as important as the cannon for an arm).

  2. Lee
    June 15, 2011 5:50 pm

    That sound you just heard was me throwing up a little in a my mouth…ick…

  3. wish I was the fiance
    June 15, 2011 5:53 pm

    One night Ben, thats all I want. I won’t tell the wife!

  4. unsatisfied
    June 15, 2011 6:43 pm


    talk about a shitstorm over nothing.

  5. Sam's Dog
    June 15, 2011 7:28 pm

    Love the (misplaced) indignation. How much fun would it be if we could get Ben’s backers, the Palin apologists, and the Scientologists mad at each other? Oh, the humanity!

  6. Timmy
    June 15, 2011 10:33 pm

    In all fairness, let’s see a picture of Virginia’s ass.

  7. I bet Lauren
    June 16, 2011 10:18 am

    …is full of crap….and Big Macs.

  8. Julia
    June 16, 2011 1:23 pm

    @55: Yes! Love it!

  9. elysianfantasy
    June 16, 2011 1:53 pm

    @50 – spot on!
    Seriously, dudes. Take a chill. While I’ve never found Ben attractive, one of the things that makes athletes fawn-worthy people is that we want to BE like them, no matter if you’re a man or a woman. You either want to look like them because their bodies are banging, or want to bang them because their bodies are banging. Yeah, the ridiculously overpaid salaries, endorsements, and pure talent/ability aren’t anything to sneeze at either. But you’d be lying if you said that you don’t envy the physique also. It’s part of their marketability. So when Big Mac Ben gets some extra flab, you can be sure that he’ll be made fun of for it. Turnabout is fair play.
    I bet you defenders are the same ones who call Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears fat. *SMH*

  10. H
    June 16, 2011 3:27 pm

    Being a fat girl myself, I never make comments about or make fun of another person who is not considered to be “thin”. I do, however, make fun of and ridicule very thin people, especially women. I hate how our society feels that people are only worth something if they are thin. I swear there are people out there that feel that if a woman is bigger than a size 0, she should kill herself.

    As for Ben, I guess it’s actually good that the only thing you haters have to pick on him about this summer is his slight weight gain. Of course, that’s also really sad, because you hate him so much that you have to pick on him about a slight weight gain. Are your lives really that empty that this is what makes you feel better about yourself?

  11. red pen mama
    June 16, 2011 3:49 pm

    No one is *hating* on Ben. At all. we’re *making fun* of him. Yeah, for his paunch, and admittedly, that makes us seem a little shallow — and for the purposes of a comment section on a blog, that’s probably true. Righteous indignation seems a little OTT. IMO. LOL. OMG.

    Also: while there very well may be out there who think normal sized women should kill themselves, I think you’ve got to recognize that is THEIR issue, and not yours. ‘kay? ‘kay.

    Finally, Ginny totally gives the Steelers credit for being at the waterpark for a good cause. I know by now we’ve lost sight of that, but I did want to point it out.

  12. red pen mama
    June 16, 2011 3:50 pm

    *may be PEOPLE out there*… whoops.

  13. H
    June 16, 2011 4:37 pm

    But, unfortunately, it becomes my issue when men feel that “normal” is a size 0 and that “curvey” is a size 6 and when TV networks refuse to air an Lane Bryant lingerie ad, because they deem it to be too “racy” eventhough the only difference between the LB ad and the hundreds of Victoria Secret ads broadcast each day is the size of the models.

  14. DuranieGirl
    June 23, 2011 12:29 pm

    I really like Ben and I am one of the few (I guess) who finds him very cute, especially before the face smashing incident. That being said, I also find it very comical what Ginny says about him. She makes me laugh. This whole thing makes me laugh. I don’t really care if Ben got chubby, but it’s nice to see that a guy is getting called out for it for once. Plus it’s a bit of payback for his digs on “fat chics”. I am a die hard Duranie and Simon Lebon (singer) is my favorite. He has been known to be rude to some of the “bigger fans” or make some rude comments about the chubby ladies. So when he goes through his chunky phases, I laugh when I see him getting ribbed for it in the British media. Ha ha karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? So even though I love you Ben, it sucks when people criticize you for your weight, doesn’t it?