The Pillsbury Doughboy called …

Welcome to That’s Church!

You have stumbled here likely due to a Google search and I’m happy to tell you that finally, FINALLY, after years and years of “Ben Roethlisberger shirtless” searches, you have hit pay-dirt, you batshit, disturbed lover of all things gross and fug and allegedly sexually violent.

Thanks to TMZ, not only is The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross shirtless, he’s on video! In the flesh!

See the pasty, doughy flesh of this professional athlete’s A-cup moobs?! SQUEEE!

Is it everything you’ve ever dreamed of?! Was it worth the wait?! Will you print this out and tuck it under your Ben Roethlisberger pillow before kissing his Fathead goodnight?

P.S. I kid, but these Steelers did a cool thing while at the park, making a donation to the scholarship fund. Well done.

P.P.S.  I’ve seen ice cubes with darker flesh than Brett Keisel’s.


  1. SpudMom
    June 14, 2011 11:51 am

    “I’ve seen ice cubes with darker flesh than Brett Keisel’s.”

    Hey! I resemble that remark! ;)

  2. unsatisfied
    June 14, 2011 11:59 am

    where’s the bleach?

  3. StacyfrPgh
    June 14, 2011 12:04 pm

    Don’t know what is sadder–that I spent 1:46 of my precious life watching this, or that the man who was filming this was ignoring his kids at the water park in order to photograph some not very interesting video.

  4. Mark
    June 14, 2011 1:22 pm

    First Tomlin, now Ben. Is anyone safe from the picture of perfection that pounces on every extra man pound in the public eye? What about that woman in traffic taking off her pants? She looks a little chunky; where are the shots at her fatness?

  5. Cassie
    June 14, 2011 1:34 pm

    Women, even with the smallest love handles, are perceived as overweight constantly . It’s nice to see a guy of his status flabby. It’s not just the women who struggle with their weight, I tell ya.

    But, he should set a better example and at least TRY to tone up some.

  6. Pa-pop
    June 14, 2011 2:08 pm

    Can someone tell Ben my three-year-old granddaughter wants her sunglasses back?

  7. Jen
    June 14, 2011 2:12 pm

    ..and now, a palate cleanser, featuring Craig Adams:

  8. Virginia
    June 14, 2011 2:14 pm

    Jen wins. Game over.

  9. Leigh
    June 14, 2011 2:19 pm

    I wonder if this was Ben’s bachelor party….

  10. Col
    June 14, 2011 2:39 pm

    Is that a half-muumuu?

  11. facie
    June 14, 2011 2:43 pm

    I agree with Stacy. How sad that those kids kept on saying, “Daddy, Daddy” over and over again.

    I stopped watching after about 30 or 40 seconds, so maybe there was something more exciting than watching a handful of guys standing around at a water park. Yawn. That said, I think BB looks much better than he did about a year ago.

  12. Steverino
    June 14, 2011 3:03 pm

    I thought it was a bunch of guys at a gay campground. Of course, gay men are way better built and better looking than this.

    Seriously, these tubbies better lay off the cheese fries and beef jerky.

  13. red pen mama
    June 14, 2011 3:33 pm

    Who is that in Jen’s video? Please to spill.

    And, yeah, it’s the off-season, so I’ll give him a little slack. But I would still like a neurlizer, please. And why’s he so hairless?

  14. Leigh
    June 14, 2011 3:50 pm

    @ red pen mama, the lovely eye candy in Jen’s video is Penguin Craig Adams. Thank you Ray Shero for resigning him. Looking forward to seeing him on the ice again.

    I think I am more distracted by Ben’s sunglasses than his off season physique!

  15. JennyMoon
    June 14, 2011 4:34 pm

    The future Mrs. Ben is somewhere all….THAT is my man! Yum. (gag)

  16. Lauren
    June 14, 2011 4:43 pm


  17. Butcher's Dog
    June 14, 2011 5:33 pm

    Aaaaannnnnndddddd….the estrogen cloud shrinks considerably. You’ll have that.

  18. Baba Wawa
    June 14, 2011 5:49 pm


  19. Trish
    June 14, 2011 9:50 pm

    God bless you, Jen. Love Craig Adams and his adorable little son Rhys (“I’m gonna go on the ICE!”). Note to Ray Shero: PLEASE TO RESIGN MAX TALBOT KTHX

    Sad to say but the best Ben’s body has ever looked was about two months after his motorcycle accident, when he did the Poverty Hillbillies video. He had actual pecs, abs, arms and cheekbones. STUD. Not kidding.

  20. LisaB
    June 14, 2011 10:11 pm

    Oh, Jen, thankyouthankyouthankyou. (rolls tongue back into mouth)

    I met Craig Adams at the Summer Fan Fest on Sunday to get his autograph and I remember thinking “dayum the dude has niiiice guns”. Jen’s little video treat proves that hockey players have the best physiques, because they are the best athletes. YEAH!

  21. TK
    June 15, 2011 7:43 am

    Hey, why don’t all you fit specimens bashing Ben for his physique post photos of yourself so we can all critique you? Yeah, didn’t think so.

  22. Sam
    June 15, 2011 8:05 am

    Great idea TK! And Ginny can go first! Lol

  23. JennyMoon
    June 15, 2011 8:35 am

    First of all, Ben started it by acting like he is God’s gift to women when clearly it is strictly because he has a million dollars or two. And B, it’s just plain funny. And 3, if I post my picture for you, I’m clearly going to use one from 1997 when I was way hotter. Duh!

  24. JennyMoon
    June 15, 2011 8:37 am

    PS Clearly I like the word clearly. Yeehaw!

  25. red pen mama
    June 15, 2011 8:49 am

    My reading comprehension skills are directly affected by my lack of sleep. Der. And thanks for not making fun of me.

    as to making fun of Ben’s body while not “sharing” our own fine physiques in bathing suits: we are not professional athletes. I mean, I would expect to at least see some evidence of abs on the man. Not just “ab”.

  26. TK
    June 15, 2011 8:53 am

    Sorry JennyMoon, didn’t realize you knew him personally and hung out with him to know how he “acts”. Clearly the Steelers should have drafted Tim Tebow because he is so cut, and clearly that’s what makes a good QB.

  27. TK
    June 15, 2011 8:57 am

    Red pen mama: obviously you haven’t seen the recent photos circulating of Tom Brady lately! But then washboard abs would probably make a world of difference with his play on the field, right?

  28. Dillon
    June 15, 2011 9:12 am

    We are not professional athletes. I mean, I would expect to at least see some evidence of abs on the man. Not just “ab”.
    – red pen mama

    CC Sabathia (4X All-Star, 2007 Cy Young Award winner, 2009 ALCS MVP, 2009 World Series Champ) says “HI”!

  29. MaddMaxx
    June 15, 2011 10:07 am


    Don’t you realize the same pack of corpulent Moms who salivate at steroid-cut male bodybuilders are the same pack who will viciously denounce cheerleaders or any other female hotties??

  30. JennyMoon
    June 15, 2011 10:10 am

    TK – I don’t know him at all. This is why I feel entitled to comment about his beautious bod! I have seen the pics of Tom Brady and I can’t get past the greasy hair. I don’t know him either. :)Peace out.

  31. JennyMoon
    June 15, 2011 10:23 am

    Not true MaddMaxx. I love me some hottie cheerleaders. I firmly believe if you got it you should flaunt it. I always point out the hotties for my husband to check out too. He likes that about me.

  32. Krista
    June 15, 2011 10:35 am

    I hate how it’s acceptable to make fun of people for being fair-skinned. You never hear people say that they’ve seen night skies lighter than a black person. There’s nothing wrong with being pale. I’d rather be a natural “ice cube” than orange like so many people nowadays. Porcelain skin can be beautiful. Pick up a magazine and look at the models or watch a movie.

  33. bucdaddy
    June 15, 2011 10:53 am

    For the love of all that is holy, please tell me there’s no shirtless Casey Hampton in there.

  34. red pen mama
    June 15, 2011 12:09 pm

    Hey, @maddmaxx, I would not be described as corpulent at all. take it someplace else, thanks.

    paler than an ice cube, however, I will proudly cop to. I don’t like getting sunburns. or lectures from my dermatologist brother about skin tumors.

  35. red pen mama
    June 15, 2011 12:10 pm

    P.S. @jennymoon, I love you!

  36. aunt_chilada
    June 15, 2011 1:17 pm

    I still love them.
    Did we all just skip over the fact that they donated to a scholarship fund? For a bunch of guys that don’t know their employment future for nxt season I think it was pretty big of them.
    They are just out in public, I say give them a break, no they are not at fighting weight but they are not exactly calendar posing. They are making good use of their “down time” and staying out of trouble.(as far as we know anyway)
    I should also say that as much as I love them I do like to make fun of them as much as anybody else. Kinda like the crazy old aunt that we all snicker at but anybody outside the family better not say a darn thing about her.
    I just thought this was a good thing they are doing.

  37. calamity jane
    June 15, 2011 1:43 pm

    “For the love of all that is holy, please tell me there’s no shirtless Casey Hampton in there”

    ….. After more years than I care to mention as a member of the PGH media, I’ve attended countless open locker rooms and seen every major Pittsburgh sports figure since 1981 “in their natural environment”(so-to-speak!)… I gotta tell you, catching a glimpse of Casey ain’t pretty, as with most of the offensive and defensive line….. More “bubblegum” than you’ll ever need to see in a dozen lifetimes! The hockey players are the ones that have the chiseled bods. Although, Lemieux did not have anything that resembled an athletic body.

  38. Lauren
    June 15, 2011 2:27 pm

    @TK Just ran my second marathon in six months. I run 35-40 miles a week. I am not a professional athlete. I will win a hot picture contest between me and Ben. Just sayin.

  39. TK
    June 15, 2011 3:22 pm

    Yeah, and I look like a super model! Let’s see you go out on a football field and win games with a broken foot and a broken nose, hotshot!

  40. Lauren
    June 15, 2011 3:34 pm

    I’ve run on a partially ruptured Achilles tendon. Oh yes, I wasn’t getting paid to to it either. Hockey players routinely play with broken noses and feet, and they don’t have to proclaim it to the world either.

    I love how people on the interwebz get all pissy when someone comments on how someone else looks. It’s automatically “WELL YOU DON’T LOOK ANY BETTER. AND LOOK WHAT HE DID HE’S BETTER THAN YOU.” I highly doubt Ben needs people to defend his figure/lifestyle whatever on a blog, and I am perfectly content in making comments about how a professional athlete looks like a slob.

  41. Mark
    June 15, 2011 3:43 pm

    @Lauren. mercy 2 marathons in 6 months? You’re kidneys are going to be down there with you ruptured Greek. No one that runs that much wins hot pic contests. It’s a fact. I am just waiting for the next pic of a chunky broad so I can yell “fat pig” and watch all ya all sreetch and kackle.

  42. Stan
    June 15, 2011 3:49 pm

    “I am perfectly content in making comments about how a professional athlete looks like a slob.”
    Wait, what’s that saying? Oh yes, that says a lot more about YOU than it does the person you
    are trashing!

    Talk about being just a tad full of yourself..damn!

  43. Dan (Not Onarato)
    June 15, 2011 3:57 pm


  44. Pingback: That's Church » Random n’at

  45. Monty
    June 15, 2011 4:20 pm

    You’re kidneys are going to be down there with you ruptured Greek?

    That is cold, Mark. Ice cold.

  46. Ms.7
    June 15, 2011 4:23 pm


    He’s not looking to bad there.

  47. Taylor
    June 15, 2011 4:25 pm

    Minions. What a cute, original name. What name do you call the others?

  48. Ms.7
    June 15, 2011 4:48 pm

    Your comments about Ben say more about you and your insecurities than they do about Ben or his physique.
    And Lauren if you are are soooooooooo confident in your body than show it off. But if I say anything snarky or B!itchy you can’t get your panties in a bunch and whine about unfair it is.

  49. Lauren
    June 15, 2011 5:12 pm

    LOL. Seriously people? First of all, 2 marathons in 6 months is really not that bad. Go find the people that run about 4 marathons in one day, and ask them how their kidneys are doing. Mine work perfectly fine. I’ve always found that people who criticize runners are the ones that wish they had the self determination to set a goal like running a marathon and accomplish it.

    I would be happy to have a reason to “show my body off” but honestly, no one would care. People that are so incredulous about my comment that I look better than him (and I, along with hundreds of thousands of other people who are not paid to work out/be in shape, look better than he and his beer gut do) will surely find fault with me, which is cool. Somehow, I think I, along with Ben, will survive without having an army of interwebz soldiers to defend my honor. LOL.

    If I honestly thought Ben’s feelings would be hurt by my commenting on his physique, then I would refrain from making the comments. Ben is not a 12 year old. I highly doubt he cares what people on a blog are saying about him, and if he does, he has a hell of a lot more problems than a pudgy gut.

  50. Lee
    June 15, 2011 5:28 pm

    This is kind of epic. I really thought the minions were going to be chicks who DO think the earl is hot…I was completely unprepared for the minions to be a bunch of men whining about the unfairness of judging appearances.
    REALLY guys? Really?
    So none of you has ever looked at a woman who is in the spotlight after she’s gained a few and made a comment? REALLY?
    I don’t care if you think you’re as infallable as the pope, none of you are without sin in the ‘judging appearances of famous people’ department and there is no way you could honestly say that you are.
    These weird manly defences of pudgy wudgy was a quarterback are due to one thing and one thing only — the ‘defend ben at all costs’ syndrome. No matter what he does, where he goes, what he says, how he looks, or how he plays, those suffering with this syndrome are programmed to bite back against anyone daring to besmirch his name.
    The whole ‘so what if he’s an athlete, if you want to make comments show us your picture first’ argument is so beyond bizarre that I can’t even…yeah. Wow.