Random n’at

1. In addition to not being able to drink alcohol or caffeine (I went from five caffeinated beverages a day to zero, cold turkey. Pretty sure I hallucinated Elvis at one point during withdrawal), I recently decided that eight months of comfort-eating was plenty, smacked myself around a bit, and then put myself on a low-carb diet.

Not being able to eat chocolate or sugar or bread or fruit or PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING GOD CREATED THAT IS DELICIOUS is making me a little stabby and a whole lot punchy.

You’ve been warned, pidgees.

2. Speaking of pigeons, they are incapable of forgetting a face.

This explains why when they see me they’re all, “Hey, you, bitch, with the face.”

The fact that the pigeons appeared to know that clothing colour was not a good way of telling humans apart suggests that the birds have developed abilities to discriminate between humans in particular. 

Future work will focus on identifying whether pigeons learn that humans often change clothes…

Oh, how these scientists are underestimating pigeons. Of course they know humans change clothes!

They’re probably up in their coops all, “That PittGirl is wearing Target again today. This is a step up from late-90s Goodwill. Let’s go poop on her.”

3. I was honored to be invited, along with Jonathan Wander, to the adoption hearing for Fredo as Jamie and Ali McMutrie’s parents officially adopted him last week. Jamie flew in from Haiti to surprise them at the hearing.

(photos courtesy of Jonathan Wander)

It was all so touching to see things wrapped up like that, especially such happiness rising out of such tragedy.

4. Don’t forget the A Night for Tassy 2 taking place on Thursday at the Priory! I’m baking cookies!  They will not have worms in them! They will have sprinkles on them!

Other highlights:

  • Ticket price includes heavy hors d’oeuvres as well as a carving station and mashed potato bar and a cookie table.
  • The Ambridge Steel Drum Band, Jeff Jimmerson and Tassy will be the musical entertainment.
  • A silent auction, raffle prizes, 50/50 and cash-and-carry items will all be on hand. Silent auction items include sports memorabilia, art work, jewelry and more!
  • Randy Baumann and Sally Wiggin are hosting!
  • And in case you missed it up there … JEFF JIMMERSON!

Also, when I saw the picture of the new “Tassy” my heart melted into my shoes and my ovaries exploded.

True story.

Here they are:

They’re sick and they need help and we can do that.

Tickets here!

Let’s save a couple of lives, you guys.

5. Unless my words are being written on parchment paper, rolled up, sealed with wax and being delivered by a horse-riding courier to the King of England, I keep my words as straightforward as possible. “This is this. This is that. This is what needs to be done. Let’s do it. Bye.”

However, Detective Christopher Jordan of the computer crimes unit in Pittsburgh, seems to think he is in fact delivering an urgent message to the king 100 years ago, as he sent an email to Lukey about the recent rash of city employees having their identities stolen.

“Your cooperation is paramount, and I look forward to making the acquaintance of a certain few to ascertain further information germane to the case,” he said.

Someone has been taking PoliticoBot2000 lessons from Lukey. Let me put that in regular email speak: “Your help is important and I look forward to meeting you and others soon to talk about this case.”

Ta-da!

6. A Burgher tried to carjack a plainclothes detective last week and when the detective drew his gun on him, the perp claimed they were in the Batman movie and this was in the script.

First, I did not make that up.

Second, I’m going to try this.

  • “Daniel. Please remove your shirt. It’s in the script.”
  • “David. Hurry up and take me to lunch before Christopher Nolan gets pissed at us for not following script! Also, hold my hand and laugh like I amuse you.”
  • “No, Mr. Parking Enforcement Officer. I’m SUPPOSED TO PARK THERE FOR SIX HOURS. It’s in the script! Look up there! The batsignal! [swishes cape and runs away]”
  • “But sir, lighting the pigeons on fire IS IN THE SCRIPT!”
  • “I’ll take six donuts please. They’re carb-free in the script.”

7. I think I want my next car to be a Tumbler. Just gotta figure out a way to keep WPXI’s Rich Walsh from climbing on it every time I park it.

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8. I think this guy maybe thought he was in a movie too.

When LoCastro was told that he would be cited for public drunkenness, police said he became aggressive and screamed, “I will tear your eyes out. I’m Dino Vincent LoCastro. I’m Sicilian. You are dead. Your wife and children are dead. I’m coming after your family. You are going to pay. I’m going to bury you. I will hunt your family for the rest of my days. You can let me go and be my best friend or I will never leave you alone for the rest of your life.”

Right after, “My name is Virginia Montanez. You pooped on me. Prepare to die,” this is almost the exact thing I say to the pigeons before I kick them.

 





9 Comments

  1. Ms. Caroline FB
    August 2, 2011 12:05 pm

    So glad you’re well xoxo



  2. Cassie
    August 2, 2011 12:47 pm

    …and she’s back!



  3. tokenintexas
    August 2, 2011 1:40 pm

    i have missed you sooooo very much



  4. bluzdude
    August 2, 2011 2:23 pm

    Stuff like #5 makes me crazy. I have to deal with that at work all the time. I write something straight-forward, then the higher-ups substitute in words with more syllables that mean the exact same thing. It’s as if they’re getting paid by the vowel.

    I am bluzdude. You ruined a perfectly good paragraph. Prepare to die.



  5. Noelle
    August 2, 2011 3:11 pm

    I am blown away by this kid’s smile. I hope he grows up to be some huge – famous – wonderful personality.



  6. bucdaddy
    August 2, 2011 5:34 pm

    8. Some nightmarish combination of Inigo Montoya and the Black Knight.

    “You yellow bastard! Come back here and get what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”



  7. Monty
    August 3, 2011 8:46 am

    Welcome back! On a scale of Meat Loaf’s Personal Physician to James Harrison Getting Fined This Year, how confident are you about the Bucs right now?



  8. red pen mama
    August 3, 2011 9:03 am

    A mashed potato bar? A mashed potato bar? I mean, cookie tables have a special place in my heart (I always thought it was an Italian wedding thing), but MASHED POTATO BAR? Dear me, that sounds sinful.



  9. Andrea
    August 3, 2011 10:55 am

    Howdy Doody got married?! Wow. And, she looks pretty, too. Good for him. I never did like his reporting. He seems like a kid trying to be a reporter.