Dork times five = Super Dork

Update: I forgot I wanted to include in this post that if you’re interested in joining the Race/Walk, you can register at the event on Saturday morning. Following the race/walk, there is family fun to be had at Irwin Park with tons of booths set up with games, auctions, live music, activities, concessions, prizes and more! My kids had a blast last year.

______________________________

As I mentioned earlier today before my site went down on account of me not renewing my domain name on account of WHY DOES MY BUTLER TRUST ME WITH STUFF LIKE THAT?

Gawd.

I should finish my thought. As I mentioned earlier today, we reached our goal of $2,000 raised for Genre’s Kids with Cancer Fund, surpassing it to reach $2,140.

First, thank you for donating! Thank you so much for finding it a worthy cause.

I bet you thought there was no reward. Well there is a reward. A reward to the tune of FIVE, yes FIVE pictures of the Dork That Was.

The first two are a series, so when I sell these someday to the Smithsonian, I will charge double for this peek into my late 80s years.

Click all photos for embiggens. Because Dork is better embiggened. That’s what I’ll have put on my gravestone.

This is me, my sister Tina Fey, and her friend playing beauty shop one night during a sleepover in my parents’ basement.  I THINK we are playing beauty shop.

Who has called me? Why am I shocked? Why has Tina Fey fallen asleep? Why is she wearing sunglasses at night? What are those things in her hair? Is Jen sporting a faux hawk? Does she know the rat tail doesn’t go on the side of your face but at the nape of your neck? That’s just basic Trailer 101 right there. Does she know you’re supposed to put mousse on wet hair? Do they even make those mini hairdryers anymore? Do they even make hair spray that just has the words HAIR SPRAY printed in giant ass letters anymore? Instead you have to hunt around the bottle to find out if you’re buying hairspray, spray hair gel, curl volumenizer, frizz minimizer, color booster, or pee of goat.

Clearly in this photo, I have taken the reins of the camera to document … weirdness.

Tina Fey has awoken from her slumber to find her hair in a mullet and her sunglasses stolen by my friend who needed MOAR HAIRSPRAY. Why is Jen playing the violin? She must be high. Also, that magazine? That ad on the back is for a cassette tape company. You just pick like ten cassettes of awesome music, mail them a check, and they would SEND THE CASSETTES TO YOU IN THE MAIL, WHIPPERSNAPPERS.

The freaking mail.

Anyway, worst beauty shop ever. I think they use roofies there.

Again, my sister Tina Fey who is going to PANTS ME TO HELL for sharing this picture, but whatever, I like to think of this as the first photobomb. Like the first step on the moon, only dorkier.

 

Once again, I look 55-years-old. Give me a B-I-N-G-O!

Next up, since I’m such a trendsetter, I thought you’d want to see my hair in a banana clip.

Let me know if you need any pointers on how to get your mullet to look as awesome as mine does in a banana clip!

Finally, this isn’t me, but is again Tina Fey, who after pantsing me to hell is going to freeze my bra and hit me so hard with a pillow I’ll poop feathers for a week. Worth it to show you this:

I’m sharing this picture because she is standing in the bedroom we shared, in front of my closet door. This is 1989. I was 15. Space and flight obsessed. Look at all that stuff!

Do you see to the left of Tina’s head that amazing artwork I made by myself? The stunning images. The poignant words.

REACH FOR THE SKY, you guys.

Reach. For the sky.

[tear]

They’re going to make a Lifetime movie about me someday. Moments in Dork: The Virginia Montanez Story.

Thanks for donating!





26 Comments

  1. unsatisfied
    August 17, 2011 9:54 pm

    like, whoa.



  2. Nicole
    August 17, 2011 9:58 pm

    Your “MOAR HAIRSPRAY” friend, totally could have been in Greece…awesome…
    just saying!



  3. MizzPenz
    August 17, 2011 10:37 pm

    The 80’s called. They want their hair back.



  4. AngryMongo
    August 17, 2011 11:08 pm

    Along with the balance on the unpaid account for keeping Chicago 18, Richard Marx’s Repeat Offender, and Escape Club’s Wild Wild West beyond the two week trial period.

    Columbia House Mail Order Club FTW



  5. HeidenreichLive
    August 17, 2011 11:17 pm

    Hey, can we still donate even though you met your goal? Please let us know if there is anything we can do. thanks,



  6. Virginia
    August 17, 2011 11:19 pm

    Yes you can! Just click the donate link in the right sidebar!



  7. HeidenreichLive
    August 18, 2011 12:39 am

    I did… FYI… it kept saying my entry was “0”. that’s ZERO.



  8. bucdaddy
    August 18, 2011 2:00 am

    Hey babe, your hair’s alright,

    Hey babe, let’s go out tonight.

    They put you down, they say I’m wrong.

    You tacky thing, you put them on.



  9. Kristy
    August 18, 2011 7:30 am

    If you couldn’t afford the minimum Columbia House purchases, there was… BMG! I totally forgot those existed. Thank you.



  10. Emilie
    August 18, 2011 8:13 am

    oh my goodness…this was too funny. I laugh not at you, but with you because we’ve all had our dork moments. I applaud you for sharing (and for such a good cause too)!!!



  11. TripleC
    August 18, 2011 8:46 am

    Pic #2 might be the most confusing picture of all time! There is so much going on in that photo that it makes my head hurt.



  12. Jen M
    August 18, 2011 8:56 am

    Not at all related, but I just saw this and thought of you. Perhaps not all of the photos will be terrifying? http://www.lightstalking.com/pigeons



  13. bluzdude
    August 18, 2011 9:54 am

    I’m afraid that there’s going to be one morning, very soon, where you wake up with a pigeon’s head in your bed and the sound of Tina Fey’s maniacal laughter.



  14. Julie
    August 18, 2011 10:01 am

    Your Mom had Kick-Ass taste in curtains!!



  15. Ali
    August 18, 2011 12:13 pm

    You just made my day with that post. The pictures are great, but the explanation that goes along with them = priceless.



  16. burgerlicious
    August 18, 2011 12:35 pm

    Damn….and I always thought banana clips looked so cool from the front mirror angle.



  17. MattDC
    August 18, 2011 1:39 pm

    This is why I always demand that my kids get along with their siblings. There may come a day far in the future, when one of them has pictures, a website, and loyal followers with no respect for your dignity.



  18. Beatrice
    August 19, 2011 12:08 am

    Totally awesome.



  19. bucdaddy
    August 19, 2011 12:57 am

    Hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side.



  20. ajm
    August 19, 2011 7:37 am

    I think your pics are sweet!



  21. Tina Fey
    August 19, 2011 11:07 am

    What the frack?! I’m offline for 2 days and get back online and I’m greeted by these ocular assaults. Some of my friends read your blog and you’re making it very difficult for me to uphold my ultra-cool, non-dorky image. Pigeon-themed retribution, as brilliantly suggested by bluzdude above, will commence immediately, and that says a lot because I have a total phobia of birds.



  22. Virginia
    August 19, 2011 11:09 am

    I much prefer you just pants me.



  23. pmc
    August 19, 2011 11:29 am

    amaze-balls



  24. Kathy
    August 19, 2011 12:32 pm

    Poor Tina Fey. She looks a bit stoned in Pic #3. A little too much MOAR SPRAY? I think I’ve explained why she’s wearing sunglasses at night.

    (((Tina Fey)))



  25. bucdaddy
    August 20, 2011 1:25 am

    Wild thing.

    You make my heart sing.

    You make everything

    Groovy.



  26. unsatisfied
    August 22, 2011 8:51 pm

    tina fey….if it makes you feel any better….

    that last pic of you….

    rrrrrowr!