Evil eyes.

I can’t sleep in a room where there are baby-dolls on account of I find baby-doll eyes and faces very soul-suckingly terrifying.

 

That’s the face of a toy that will lick your cheek while you sleep.

I once slept in my niece’s room while visiting my sister in Virginia and she had a six-foot shelf high up on the wall, upon which rested two dozen dead-eyed baby-dolls. The lights were out. I laid there. In the glow of the moonlight, the dolls looked down at me. Their eyes bore into me. That doll that was smiling before seems to be angry now. That doll just blinked. That doll is crying. That doll is possessed and will wait until I fall asleep and then whisper directly into my ear, “Won’t you come out and play with me?”

It’s a miracle my niece didn’t come into her room the next morning to find carnage — every single doll beheaded and each with a tiny Bratz heel impaled in one eyeball.

All that said, those dolls have got nothing on this terrifying thing:

Yeah, give THAT to your young child or niece or nephew. Let THEM try to figure out if Steely has had his legs chopped off in a tragic steel beam accident or if he’s just been naughty and is now waiting for his spanking.

Let them figure out if those are Steely’s angry eyebrows or his happy eyebrows. Let them figure out why he doesn’t have lower teeth. Let them figure out if Steely is laughing with joy or roaring before the kill. Let them figure out if this is the kind of toy that just silently blinks at you or the kind that eats your vital organs while you sleep. Let them figure out WHO ON GOD’S EARTH THOUGHT THIS NEEDED TO BE MADE.

I would sleep in a room with a hundred blinking baby-dolls that look like this:

… before I’ll ever be left alone with the monstrosity that is the Steely McBeam Pillow Pet.

As God is my witness, that is church.

(h/t Tracy)





23 Comments

  1. Zach
    August 24, 2011 3:10 pm

    this post totally reminded me of this really old, but still amazing site: http://disturbingauctions.com/

    look at the bottom of the index for “terrifying dolls”

    also, this (sorta NSFW) gem: http://disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=11



  2. Ali
    August 24, 2011 3:23 pm

    The bottom baby doll has to be possessed. That’s just plain creepy.



  3. Magnus Patris
    August 24, 2011 3:40 pm

    Looks like this girl I went out with once; once.



  4. me123
    August 24, 2011 3:41 pm

    I haven’t seen the Steely pillow pet in person but in the picture, before I read your text underneath, I thought it was a decent pillow likeness of Brett Keisel. Look at the pics on Brett’s fan page, you’ll see what I mean!



  5. AngryMongo
    August 24, 2011 3:52 pm

    Hands up if you were scared to the bejeezus by the clown/doll scene in Poltergeist…

    http://youtu.be/yc7oJhvNr4w



  6. WIMom
    August 24, 2011 4:38 pm

    Sorry, Ginny, but I would pick Steely over that second doll anytime- that one is EVIL!!!



  7. Baba Wawa
    August 24, 2011 4:46 pm

    that last doll picture actually scared me



  8. Erin
    August 24, 2011 4:49 pm

    Oh my God, what the eff.
    Hilarious!



  9. Pa-Pop
    August 24, 2011 5:07 pm

    The other half of Steely is laying next to the tracks in the PAT transit tunnel.



  10. Leslie in Dayton
    August 24, 2011 10:21 pm

    A tragic steel beam accident. Ha ha ha!



  11. bucdaddy
    August 25, 2011 12:22 am

    “My name is Talky Tina, and I’m going to kill you.”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSy8Ko1vSKQ



  12. AngryMongo
    August 25, 2011 7:54 am

    This floated around the net about 8 or 9 years ago. LOL.

    http://www.castleofspirits.com/hauntedpainting.html

    The Hands Resist Him



  13. Paul
    August 25, 2011 9:20 am

    That last doll photo joins Sid Bream sliding into home plate in a place in my mind that will haunt my nightmares forever. Happy Thursday to you too.



  14. Sue
    August 25, 2011 9:48 am

    That second doll picture is freaking me out. And I think we’ll stick with the lavender unicorn pillow pet that we already have thankyouverymuch.



  15. Pa-pop
    August 25, 2011 10:46 am

    And another thing about that second doll … she related to Marty Feldman by any chance?



  16. red pen mama
    August 25, 2011 10:47 am

    I HATE baby dolls. HATE. Thank you for contributing to my nightmares for the coming weeks. I might as well go see “Don’t be Afraid of the Dark” now because that last image will pop up in my mind’s eye just as I am drifting off to sleep. And I will huddle under my blankets, clutching my pillow, convinced that doll is coming to suck out my soul with her dead eyes.

    I’ll take the steely mcbeam stuffie ANY DAY.



  17. red pen mama
    August 25, 2011 10:48 am

    @angrymongo: *raises hand*



  18. bluzdude
    August 25, 2011 12:35 pm

    Looks like a genetic mutation of Steely McBean and a seal. When you’re not looking, it comes flopping after you. If baby seals ever (d)evolve into something with THAT face, I won’t mind the Canadians beating them with clubs.



  19. bluzdude
    August 25, 2011 12:36 pm

    Oh, and Mongo, my hand is up and waving like Arnold Horschack.



  20. Janelle
    August 25, 2011 12:44 pm

    I had a similar experience in a friend’s room, except I didn’t have to sleep in there. I did, however, once sleep in an only bedroom in an old house with really, really old porcelain dolls that were terrifying. They were my great-grandmothers and I think at one point some relative said something about giving them to me. NO THANKS.

    My roommate is not only afraid of these dolls but also mascots, so I pray she never sees this Steely business.



  21. MattDC
    August 27, 2011 4:45 pm

    Doll No. 2 in a Steely McBeam helmet would render most of us incontinent.