I spent a bit of time over the weekend stressing that my self-united husband was going to be released from the Steelers and it sure looked that way when Coach Tomlin paired Daniel Sepulveda with Stormy Weathers — wait, I mean Swayze Waters — and then paired that other kicker dude whose name I never learned but that sounds like an island in Greece with Shaun Sure Thing Suisham. Kiss of death, right there. Bad omen. Juju up in the wazoo, to be exact.
I pulled the sackcloth out from storage. I downloaded some mourning chants. I started a short list of names to replace Daniel as my self-united husband. I couldn’t very well not replace him because once you have four self-united husbands, it’s hard to go back to three. I considered who would mesh nicely with David and Matt and Joe. Who would be the brooding, biblical yet hellfire hot to David’s Shakespearean manic-ness, Matt’s dino-brainyness and Joe’s, well, abdominal ab-iness?
I had it narrowed down to three when the news hit.
KAPINOS! That’s his name. I’d like to vacation on the island of Kapinos in Greece someday. Sounds just lovely.
The other good news is that while Tyler Grisham didn’t make the team again, he was quickly signed to the practice squad.
And I saw that Daniel and Tyler would not be going the way of Jeremy Bloom, and I said, behold, it is very good.
Now if Daniel can just stay healthy, for the love of God.
I will seriously cut any bitch that even looks at his bad knee wrong.
P.S. I can’t decide if Swayze Waters is the best porn name, the best romance novel hero name, or the best band name ever to hit the earth.
P.P.S. Step off. [awkward kung fu moves]