Injurious Bread

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious package, which turned out to be a box of bread.The package was found at the intersection of Smallman and 21st streets in the city’s Strip District.

The box looked suspicious, which is why police brought in the bomb squad.

Now, there are many ways the WPXI writer could have closed out this story.

  • “No injuries were reported.”
  • “No one was injured in the process.”
  • “There were no injuries.”

Let’s see how the WPXI writer CHOSE to end the story:

The bread did not cause any injuries.

The bread did not cause any injuries!

Thoughts:

1. It would be hard for bread to inflict injury, on account of how soft and fluffy it is.

2. I bet the WPXI writer held back a giggle as he or she hit “Publish” on that one.

3. This is one of those times I’d like to have been in on the conversation between the dispatcher and the bomb squad.

Dispatcher: Yeah, we’ve got a 1-9-3 in progress. Smallman and 21st. Suspicious package.

Bomb Squad: Is it ravioli?

Dispatcher: Negative.

Bomb Squad: Another pasta?

Dispatcher: It is not pasta of any sort.

Bomb Squad: We’re enroute. How large is the suspicious package? Would you say it’s bigger than a bread box?

Dispatcher: It is a bread box.

Bomb Squad: FML.

 





11 Comments

  1. Steverino
    September 8, 2011 3:45 pm

    Ahhh, gotta love TV “news.” Breaking news. Only on 11. Disturbing story. Our reporter was the only one on the scene. You’ll see only on 11. Stranger danger. You could get cancer.

    It’s like they take the consultant’s suggested quotes to keep people watching and use them over and over and over and over and over. Actually, I think the consultants give them the scripts alrady done and the interns fill in the blanks.



  2. Christina
    September 8, 2011 4:48 pm

    FOOD? At the intersection of Smallman and 21st? How could THAT happen *blink* *blink*?

    Made my day ROTFLOL!



  3. inBrookline
    September 8, 2011 5:43 pm

    It could have caused a nasty yeast infection.



  4. Sooska
    September 8, 2011 5:58 pm

    First, pasta. Now, bread. Pierogies? your serve…



  5. Cnik
    September 8, 2011 6:45 pm

    Pittsburgh’s war on food continues. No microwave, ravioli or America hating bread is safe!



  6. bluzdude
    September 8, 2011 6:55 pm

    I wonder if it was a rye. Those seeds can get caught in your teeth and cause a wicked toothache. Best not to take any chances and blow the package up.



  7. Pa-Pop
    September 8, 2011 11:49 pm

    New slogan for an old product: “Braun’s on the wrapper means THERE’S A BOMB INSIDE!”



  8. bucdaddy
    September 9, 2011 12:59 am

    You laugh, but there’s a bakery in my town (Nonna’s, to give it a plug) that makes Italian bread loaves the size of a football and so crusty that I have, no lie, cut my lip on it.

    You could die from that, you know, and yet you make fun. Thanks, thanks a lot.

    *Harrrrrump.*



  9. Lauren
    September 9, 2011 8:13 am

    Bucdaddy – Nonna’s bakery? I take it you are in Morgantown then? Me too, and Nonna’s is awesome!



  10. Jules
    September 9, 2011 9:33 am

    Thanks for the laugh this morning. Best line – is it bigger than a bread box :)



  11. bucdaddy
    September 9, 2011 10:24 am

    Lauren,

    Bingo. I have a loaf on my counter right now (Mrs. Daddy made the stuffed peppers and the beef stew this week, and you GOTTA have bread with that).

    I assume you frequent New Day as well.