What They’re Really Thinking: Flubber Edition

If this was a disaster flick, I would be the chick about to meet her death while on the phone with a 911 operator all, “There is just so much suck. So. Much. Suck. Oh, God. THE SUCKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkk……”

Everywhere you look … suck.

Here a suck. There a suck. Everywhere a suck suck.

I looked for a bright spot, and I found one:

In the case of yesterday’s game, the bright spot isn’t the light at the end of the tunnel; it’s the hole of suck we were being sucked into.

Suck.

How did people properly emote before the word suck?

I guess we should talk football?

1. The first thing that went wrong was the National Anthem.  SING ALONG!

Ohhhhhhhh saycanyou seeeeeeeeeeeeee byyyyyyyyyyyy theeeeeeeeee dawnsearlylight?  Whatttttttttttt soproudly weeeeeeeeeeeeee hailedatthe twiiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-”

Awful.

2. The second thing that went wrong was Joe Flacco and The Duke of Fug switched bodies and Joe became the stand-tall-in-the-pocket-and-find-your-man quarterback throwing missile after missile:

While Benny threw like a color-blind princess wearing five-inch heels:

Elle Freaking Woods throws with more masculinity than that and she has a fluffy pink rotary phone.

And then just when you thought Benny might be getting some mojo, some good juju, some momentum, some unsuck:

 (source: Peter Diana/P-G)

3. The game basically looked like the Steelers spent four quarters trying in vain to catch Flubber:

 (source: Peter Diana/P-G)

 (source: Peter Diana/P-G)

Even Hines got mad.

4. You know things are going poorly when Troysus gets so frustrated with his inability to make a play that he not only starts fighting, but resorts to Jedi Mind Tricks.

Surprisingly ineffective and totally against his religion.

5. You know things are going really poorly when the refs get so bored with the lack of a competitive game that they start working on their planking.

Um, ref. You’re doing it wrong. Good thing McFadden was there to instruct him on the proper technique:

6.  We interrupt this WTRT to ask if this is the highest you’ve ever seen anyone jump to express joy at a touchdown?

I believe she can fly.

7.  With Ben’s three interceptions, one of which he threw to Reed as if Reed was wearing a Steelers jersey, and two fumbles, the Steelers turned the ball over SEVEN times. SEVEN TURNOVERS.

“They obviously had a better game plan than we had,” said NT Casey Hampton.

Hmm. That must be true. Let’s take a look at the Steelers game plan.

8. Yesterday’s game occurred on the tenth anniversary of 9-11-01, and the Ravens’ cheerleaders paid appropriate respects:

Daisy Dukes, mid-riff baring shirts, hooker makeup, patriotic pom-poms.

America. Eff yeah.

9. The three bright spots yesterday were Daniel Sepulveda’s monster punts, Mike Wallace’s 100-yard game, and Antonio Brown’s kick returning.

Other than that, complete and total abject suck.

Amen, Flubber. Amen.

Okay, now you’re just being mean to them.

Go on.

 





30 Comments

  1. Rachel
    September 12, 2011 2:49 pm

    LOL!! This is the only Steeler related review of the game that I am able to stomach today!



  2. Magnus Patris
    September 12, 2011 3:07 pm

    When I first looked at the picture of the Raven’s drag queen cheerleaders, all I could think of was “Turn your head and cough”.



  3. Carpetbagger
    September 12, 2011 3:12 pm

    I can’t believe that ref was upside down planking.



  4. Baba Wawa
    September 12, 2011 3:16 pm

    you are awesome



  5. CMA
    September 12, 2011 3:18 pm

    #5 … tremendous.
    #8 … you stay classy Baltimore!
    …Like screaming at the refs like a raving lunatic when you are winning 32-7 in the 4th Qtr of the 1st game of the season (I’m talking to you Coach Harbaugh!)



  6. Jen M
    September 12, 2011 3:26 pm

    i’ve been waiting for this since the 2-minute warning in the 4th quarter. you rock.



  7. spoon
    September 12, 2011 3:34 pm

    Cheerleader on the far left in the last pic looks like you photoshopped the lower half of her body in.



  8. bucdaddy
    September 12, 2011 3:37 pm

    Everywhere you look … suck.

    Here a suck. There a suck. Everywhere a suck suck.

    Aaaaaaaand now I have to go find Mrs. Daddy.



  9. Matthew
    September 12, 2011 3:41 pm

    The photo of the ref “planking” is HIIII-larious! He’s either planking or doing grass angels. So funny.



  10. Al Lambrini
    September 12, 2011 4:02 pm

    a good old fashioned ass whooping was what we got



  11. gunnlino
    September 12, 2011 4:04 pm

    Steelers this past Sunday , kinda remind me of the Pirates on any day .



  12. WIMom
    September 12, 2011 4:13 pm

    You know, I think if I were Seattle coming in to play next week, I might be a bit nervous, cuz I think the Steelers are going to be in a pissy mood. That should mean really bad things for those Seahawks. Or rather- it better mean some really bad things for those Seahawks. (Who are STILL whining about 2005 SB)



  13. bluzdude
    September 12, 2011 4:27 pm

    Those aren’t the Ravens Cheerleaders… Jeff Reed was holding auditions.

    As a displaced ‘Burgher living in Baltimore, it’s days like this when I’m thankful that my cube sits in a back corner where no one goes, surrounded by women that don’t follow sports.



  14. Monty
    September 12, 2011 4:41 pm

    bluz — are you a dj in a strip club?



  15. Vivian
    September 12, 2011 5:25 pm

    I just moved & my cable won’t be on until Wednesday. I was upset that I couldn’t get an earlier appointment but now I’m relieved that I didn’t witness all the suck that went on yesterday.



  16. Suzie-Q
    September 12, 2011 5:32 pm

    Excellent description of the game….I’d say its a good grass whoppin!!!



  17. POLITICALPARTYPOOPER
    September 12, 2011 6:28 pm

    Pertaining to your Princess Ben picture, isn’t there some kind of law against having a torso that’s two times as long as your legs?

    If there isn’t, there ought to be.



  18. tokenintexas
    September 12, 2011 9:09 pm

    being exiled out here, i could only tolerate listening to about 5 minutes when I discovered my statistics homework was infinately more interesting than the game. thankfully the cowgirls lost as well, but not like we did. serious suckage. ugh! Thankfully this column makes the pain suck less-ish.



  19. Fan in texas
    September 12, 2011 9:50 pm

    Glad to be a Steeler fan AND a That’s Church fan, so I have one thing to celebrate today…For this week only (I don’t hold a grudge), I will be thinking of our qb as Big Ben Cutler.



  20. unsatisfied
    September 12, 2011 10:08 pm

    gee. flubber’s kind of an asshole.



  21. facie
    September 13, 2011 10:18 am

    On the bright side, surely the Steelers can’t play any worse on Sunday. Right? Right?

    After the game, I was thinking back to 2001 when in the first game, the Steelers got their butts kicked at the hand of Jax. Then 9/11 happened, and the sports guys were worried that the next (easy) game against the Brownies could be canceled, and everyone panicked. If my memory serves me correctly, the Steelers went on to the AFC Championship game (and lost, but let’s not dwell on that).



  22. Julie
    September 13, 2011 10:18 am

    Wow, those cheerleaders have a surprising amount of backfat. LOL



  23. bucdaddy
    September 13, 2011 11:02 am

    Julie,

    Your comment is going to lead to those girls having poor self-esteem and flinging themselves barely clothed at random paunchy 54-year-old guys while cooing, “Do you think these shorts and this pose make my back look fat?”

    Especially the chunky one in the middle with the muffin top.

    So by all means, keep it up.



  24. Pa-Pop
    September 13, 2011 11:19 am

    I was expecting a “Defying Gravity” comment for #6. Let’s call her Elphablonde.



  25. MJ
    September 13, 2011 11:35 am

    So my father sends me a link to the WTWRT posting, ostensibly in case I “hadn’t tracked it down yet” but in reality to irritate me. The following is our ensuing email exchange. I can give you his name and address if you want to put a beat down on him.

    Me: Did [Father’s Charleston WV-residing colleague] tell you to send that to me?
    Dad: Nope. All my doing.
    Me: [Father’s Charleston WV-based colleague] referred to the “squealers” yesterday. I told him that he was welcome to come to Pittsburgh to see what a championship parade looks like.
    Dad: I don’t even know if he knows about this lady. He looks for any way he can to get under your skin and mine. He’s a sissy
    Me: She’s not a lady. She’s my age. [Perhaps some clarification is in order. I’m 36. I was not referring to your manners, decorum, etc. I was rejecting the notion that anyone my age can be a “lady” or, more specifically, should be called a lady by a 61 year old. I might be wrong or not politically correct about that, but the point of this comment is in the next email from the old man…]
    Dad: She’s middle aged – like you – she’s a lady (Tom Jones?)
    Me: I’m going to tell her you said that



  26. Craig
    September 13, 2011 11:46 am

    I had to do a two hour polka power walk to get that one out of my brain. I should apologize, you see, whenever my daughter relocates to a new city things go bad for the Steelers at the hands of the new town’s team. Her last relocation was to Nashville, you’ll remember the Terrible Towel episode, and now she is in Baltimore. The good news is the curse doesn’t last long, if only the birds had pooped on the Terrible Towel, this nightmare would be over.



  27. MattDC
    September 13, 2011 2:20 pm

    Ditto, Bucdaddy. I knew there had to be something good coming out of that game.



  28. jann
    September 13, 2011 3:14 pm

    Love the Hines Ward comment!



  29. Virginia
    September 13, 2011 3:44 pm

    MJ, MIDDLE-AGED?! MIDDLE-AGED!?

    [shakes cute little fist]



  30. VAgirl
    September 13, 2011 7:13 pm

    all around sad day! I cried watching the 911 services and didn’t stop until I went to bed. Thanks for providing the laughter Virginia, I needed to get out of my doldrums (sp?)