If this was a disaster flick, I would be the chick about to meet her death while on the phone with a 911 operator all, “There is just so much suck. So. Much. Suck. Oh, God. THE SUCKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkk……”
Everywhere you look … suck.
Here a suck. There a suck. Everywhere a suck suck.
I looked for a bright spot, and I found one:
In the case of yesterday’s game, the bright spot isn’t the light at the end of the tunnel; it’s the hole of suck we were being sucked into.
How did people properly emote before the word suck?
I guess we should talk football?
1. The first thing that went wrong was the National Anthem. SING ALONG!
Ohhhhhhhh saycanyou seeeeeeeeeeeeee byyyyyyyyyyyy theeeeeeeeee dawnsearlylight? Whatttttttttttt soproudly weeeeeeeeeeeeee hailedatthe twiiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-”
2. The second thing that went wrong was Joe Flacco and The Duke of Fug switched bodies and Joe became the stand-tall-in-the-pocket-and-find-your-man quarterback throwing missile after missile:
While Benny threw like a color-blind princess wearing five-inch heels:
Elle Freaking Woods throws with more masculinity than that and she has a fluffy pink rotary phone.
And then just when you thought Benny might be getting some mojo, some good juju, some momentum, some unsuck:
3. The game basically looked like the Steelers spent four quarters trying in vain to catch Flubber:
Even Hines got mad.
4. You know things are going poorly when Troysus gets so frustrated with his inability to make a play that he not only starts fighting, but resorts to Jedi Mind Tricks.
Surprisingly ineffective and totally against his religion.
5. You know things are going really poorly when the refs get so bored with the lack of a competitive game that they start working on their planking.
Um, ref. You’re doing it wrong. Good thing McFadden was there to instruct him on the proper technique:
6. We interrupt this WTRT to ask if this is the highest you’ve ever seen anyone jump to express joy at a touchdown?
I believe she can fly.
7. With Ben’s three interceptions, one of which he threw to Reed as if Reed was wearing a Steelers jersey, and two fumbles, the Steelers turned the ball over SEVEN times. SEVEN TURNOVERS.
“They obviously had a better game plan than we had,” said NT Casey Hampton.
Hmm. That must be true. Let’s take a look at the Steelers game plan.
8. Yesterday’s game occurred on the tenth anniversary of 9-11-01, and the Ravens’ cheerleaders paid appropriate respects:
Daisy Dukes, mid-riff baring shirts, hooker makeup, patriotic pom-poms.
America. Eff yeah.
9. The three bright spots yesterday were Daniel Sepulveda’s monster punts, Mike Wallace’s 100-yard game, and Antonio Brown’s kick returning.
Other than that, complete and total abject suck.
Amen, Flubber. Amen.
Okay, now you’re just being mean to them.