Let’s see. We have the Enthusiastic Rogue Tree Pruner, the Petunia Desperado, and the Sharply Dressed Penny Thief wreaking their havoc on Gotham.
Today, a new villain was discovered. This one the most fearsome. The most threatening. The most … roll-y.
Police in Pittsburgh are looking for a man in a wheelchair who robbed a person near the city’s Greyhound station. According to police reports, a man told them he was robbed early Tuesday morning in the 1000 block of Liberty Avenue. The victim told police that a man in a wheelchair, who had only one leg, accosted him and claimed to have a gun, though the victim said he never saw it. The robber then fled the scene.
1. The GIANT COJONES of this bandit to even think he could ever pull off a robbery with one leg, no visible weapon, while seated in a wheelchair … AND THEN TO SUCCEED. We should bronze his balls and put them in the Smithsonian.
2. On a scale of “Hella!” to “Crawl in a hole and die,” how embarrassed would you be to have to tell the cops you were robbed by a one-legged man in a wheelchair who showed no visible weapon before taking your wallet and then casually rolling away?
3. If wheelchairs had license plates, this case could be solved so fast, but since they don’t, I guess we’ll have to hope the police can narrow down the list of suspects to ALL THE PEOPLE IN PITTSBURGH WITH ONE LEG.
4. Honestly, if a one-legged man in a wheelchair came up to me and told me he was robbing me, I’d probably have looked at him, looked at his leg, looked at him again, and then said either, “Am I having a stroke?” or “Am I on Candid Camera?”
5. Someone call Batman. Maybe next time the One-Legged Wheelchair Bandit strikes, he can, I don’t know, grab the push-handles when the perp tries to roll away.
[swishes cape and runs off in dramatic fashion]