What They’re Really Thinking: Ballroom Edition

Tony Siragusa makes me want to punch a hot meatball sub.

I can’t explain why any more than I could explain why Tom Brady makes me want to punch a car.

In fact, the announcers in general from yesterday’s game gave me several punchy moments.

When Ben was hit in the knee by a Seahawk, which, first, let’s all imagine an actual seahawk divebombing Ben’s knee.

[blink]

And we’re back.

When Ben was hit, the announcers began a commentary after that penalty that I shall now paraphrase:

“That wasn’t intentional. Clearly that wasn’t intentional. I think when we see the replay in a second here we are going to see that the Seahawk was tripped by a Steeler and the forward force of the fall was what brought him into Ben’s knee. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because again, we are sure that wasn’t intentional. Just an accident. Accidents happen.”

Later in the game, Legursky, I think it was, was called for an illegal block in the back or something like that and I shall now paraphrase the commentary that went with the penalty:

“OH MY DEAR GOD. IS THE SEAHAWK OKAY?! SHALL WE BEGIN CPR?! A PRAYER VIGIL?! A GENTLE WEEPING OVER A SINGLE DYING CANDLE?! That is how you hurt people for life. That is how career-ending injuries happen. We have talked about this. There are rules in place for JUST THIS REASON. TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF GROSS, HORRIFYING, MOTHER OF GOD TRAGEDY. Clearly this was a Steeler hell bent on hurting someone. God have mercy on our souls.”

And I’m really only SLIGHTLY paraphrasing.

Let’s talk football?

1. Bur first, let’s worship at the altar of Troysus, in recognition of the fact that he actually showed up for this game.

YouTube Preview Image

Can I get an AMEN?

LOVED that show.

2.  As we just discussed, The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross was taken down at the knee by a totally well-meaning Seahawk who accidentally aimed low, but Benny managed to get back into the game after just a few snaps taken by Charlie Batch, who as you recall is seven thousand years old.

Note to self: Self, this means you, Ginny, do not Google Charlie’s age because there is a good chance you are older than Charlie Batch. You’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you? Sigh.

SON OF A BITCH! I am older than Charlie Batch by seven months.

[gulps wine] [checks mirror for crows feet and gray hairs] [sobs] [gulps more wine]

2. After the Duke re-entered the game, there were several times I saw him standing in a collapsing pocket with an imminent sack nearing him and he still managed to remain patient, calm, and throw to his man. This is in contrast to last week when he sucked hard enough to drink an ocean through a straw.

Try the veal!

3. We interrupt this WTRT to say, “If Braveheart was a Steelers fan.”

I think those are the Lost numbers on his hat. Or maybe he ran out of paper during a hard addition problem?

Also … *let’s.

Apostrophes are our friends!

4. We further interrupt this WTRT to say, “If Lucha Libre was a Steelers fan.” Who is that masked man!?

I am one thousand percento sure that’s Lukey-o.

Hey! He showed up for something!

5. Hines Ward, who is also seven thousand years old [runs to Google. Sobs. Drinks moar wine.] made an awesome catch during a gadget play, one thrown by Emmanuel Sanders, who is not the quarterback — in case you’re unfamiliar with what a gadget play is.

He also made a stunning, toes-barely-inbounds catch after which one of the stupid commenters said, “You know, people think Hines Ward can dance because he won Dancing with the Stars, but in reality, he can really catch a football.”

Now everything Hines does on the field has to somehow be connected to his stint on Dancing With the Stars?

Lovely.

Actually, Hines, I think that’s the Catcho el Paso.

Let’s ask Ben. He knows all the plays.

Oh. I didn’t know that.

Man, ballroom is hard.

6. Emmanuel Sanders had a hell of a game, not only catching two nice balls as a wide receiver, but also the aforementioned gadget play to Hines Ward.

I have a question though: What is the thing some players do when they make a good catch or they play good pass-defense and they put a hand up in an open bitchslap kind of way and then wave that hand back and forth real fast mere inches from their eyes like a blind man just confirming that YEP! STILL BLIND. AIN’T SEEIN’ THOSE FINGERS TODAY.

What does that mean?! Windshield wipers? I’m toasty warm but also dumb as spit so this is how I try to cool myself off?  Jedi mind trick in hyper-speed? Super fast HAPPY SAD HAPPY SAD HAPPY SAD trick?

WHAT?!

It has been bugging me for years. I’ve even seen Coach Tomlin do it, and before I break it out in a church group, someone educate this oldster and bring me some damn fiber while you’re at it.

6. Daniel Sepulveda. MONSTER PUNTER.

That is all.

7. Mike Wallace has become a huge talent who doesn’t just outrun his pursuers in a straight path anymore. He runs routes and stuff and important sounding football terms and the wine has kicked in and wow, my crows feet look better already!

Wine. The new Oil of Olay.

Anyway, one of Mike’s catches was a beauty in which he caught the ball with his fingertips while running full speed ahead.

Clearly, the ball loves Mike Wallace as much as we ladies do, and it performed amazing acrobatics just to find itself in Mike’s strong embrace.

Well, this has turned uncomfortable. Let’s look away.

8. While we’re looking away, let’s not talk about a couple of things. Let’s not talk about Shaun Suisham missing a 41-yarder and let’s not talk about that goal line stand the Seahawks had against us.

Let’s just go ahead and mindwipe those now.

IS THAT WHAT IT IS?!

Last week’s debacle against the hated Ravens is a distant memory now and next week we take on the Indianapolis Colts who haven’t won yet this season. They’ll be in it to win it, but I’m not worried.

We’ve got the Paso el Catcho, the Catcho el Paso, the Pointo en Dos and the Mindwipe on our side.

Oh, and God too.

What? I would know. I’m seven thousand years old. God and I go way back.





30 Comments

  1. John Q. Public
    September 19, 2011 6:33 pm

    Gotta say, Heinz Field is already looking worn dahn. What’s up wit dat?



  2. SteelersDieHard
    September 19, 2011 6:38 pm

    It means “You can’t see me!”

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=YOU%20CAN%27T%20SEE%20ME!

    YOU CAN’T SEE ME! – Another way of saying that you are untouchable and put everybody else to shame. Basically means you are unstoppable because if a person or thing can’t see you they can’t catch and/or attack you. Even though you are entirely visible it is a way of telling somebody that they can’t fuck with you and they are not on your level.



  3. Lauren
    September 19, 2011 6:43 pm

    Didn’t John C. Reilly’s character in Talladega Nights do that thing? The Magic Man: “Now you see me. *Hand in front of face swipe thing* Now you don’t.”



  4. Leslie in Dayton
    September 19, 2011 7:44 pm

    I love, love, LOVE that video.

    Also, I remember when the announcer said that about Hines, and I think I had the same expression. Ugh!

    Nice job as always, Ginny. :)



  5. Bitter
    September 19, 2011 7:59 pm

    What is moar wine? lol



  6. Larry
    September 19, 2011 9:52 pm

    Bitter,

    “Moar wine” is everything after the first bottle is kicked. Everything after that has no vintage, appelation, or, for that matter, taste. It’s just moar wine…



  7. Burgh Bird
    September 19, 2011 10:24 pm

    Ginny, you must have been sitting in my living room and heard me screaming at fatass Siragusa and his friends after they were using Legursky as a poster child for low blocking the QB. And when Siragusa said that Ben just doesn’t “have it” after last week, right before he completed one of those passes that makes me pray to the Blessed Mother.

    And PS: By all means, do NOT Google the birth years of the Penguins rookies at camp, who were all born AFTER I graduated high school.



  8. Craig
    September 19, 2011 10:43 pm

    They don’t need to do the Braggo too Mucho, whether we can see them or not.



  9. bucdaddy
    September 20, 2011 12:42 am

    Y’know, there’s this little thing on your remote that controls the volume on the TV, and it goes down to 0, which means no sound comes out.

    And there’s this other thing called a radio, and it has a volume control too! Plus it has numerous things called “stations,” at least one of which, I’m sure, carried the Steelers’ game and also has announcers that have a far more favorable POV toward the Steelers on every single play that occurs. These announcers are probably even paid by the Steelers to maintain that POV, and by “POV” I mean that they assume a kneeling position with mouths wide open at the sound of the word “Steelers.” And even in Pixsburgh there’s no law against having your radio and your TV tuned to the Steelers game simultaneously.

    So stop annoying the hell out of me complaining about the announcers because it’s 2011 and you have, y’know, other, more homer-ier options, if you choose. If you listen to network crews, then you’re just looking for something to get punchy about.



  10. Rachel
    September 20, 2011 8:17 am

    Except the Tunch is annoying as hell and Hilgrove doesn’t know (or can’t see) the difference between a completion, an interception or a incomplete pass



  11. Queen Bee
    September 20, 2011 8:35 am

    TV/radio combo used to be the way to go except when you watch it in “fancy HD”, the “old timey” radio has a 2-5 second time delay. Even more annoying!

    Also, Lukey certainly did show up for something that day…as we were walking back to our car, we passed him waiting on line at McFadden’s to drink with all the younguns. It’s nice to see that he’s really a “man of the people”. So wish I would have snapped a picture…next time.



  12. Moxie Bestos
    September 20, 2011 8:43 am

    Moar wine indeed. I remember, back in the day, thinking that Mark Recchi would want to go out with me because I was only four years younger than he was. Then it was, cool, Jaromir Jagr and Jerome Bettis are only four months older than I am. Now I am old enough to be Sidney Crosby’s mother, if I had had him at 15. If Charlie Batch needs Depends, I need an undertaker with my chardonnay.



  13. christh0mas
    September 20, 2011 8:56 am

    I always thought that hand waving in front of the face thing (at least when done by the coach) meant to watch for the screen play. Seeing as how all of the players now, even the offensive ones, are doing it I’m thinking that I have been wrong.

    Oh well. certainly not the first time.



  14. Beth
    September 20, 2011 9:32 am

    My favorite part was Siragusa yapping about how the Steelers were “missing something” when they were up 14-0 and driving down the field yet again. HIGHLY annoying.

    Also, Darryl Johnston, who, after the Seahawks were flagged for delay of game, observed that “Seattle just took too much time.” DH and I laughed for a good ten minutes about that one.

    @bucdaddy – I would LOVE to listen to Billy and Tunch while watching the broadcast…however, as Queen Bee pointed out, the delay is completely awful. Whether you’re watching in HD or not.



  15. bucdaddy
    September 20, 2011 10:28 am

    Here’s an idea: Turn the sound all the way down and hire a broadcast major from the J-school at Point Park (full disclosure: bucdaddy PPC/U J&C ’79) to come to your house on Sundays and do private play-by-play for you. He/she would probably work for food and be grateful for the chance to practice for an audience.



  16. DG
    September 20, 2011 10:28 am

    At the beginning of the game, when Ben’s first pass went high and wide, a guy about 5 rows behind us stood up and shouted “SEE!! THAT’S what happens when you get married! You lose all control of your balls!!”

    I almost peed myself laughing. SO glad the entire game did not go that way.



  17. bluzdude
    September 20, 2011 10:36 am

    Sounds like I was fortunate to be in a sports bar and the Steelers game was not the one with the audio feed. Unfortunately, the audio was for the Ratbirds game. And back to Fortunately, they got their assed kicked, so that’s what I got to hear about.



  18. facie
    September 20, 2011 11:04 am

    Loved the Lost reference. I still miss that show.

    You know you are old when the oldest Steeler is three years younger than you. Where is Vinny when you need him?



  19. red pen mama
    September 20, 2011 11:09 am

    First: Glad to hear you can drink alcohol again.

    Second: SHOOSH. I am older than you, your husband, and most professional athletes — not all put together. And I look great! (and I drink often.)

    Third: CAn I count this week as the opening week of NFL season?



  20. elvis has just re-entered the building
    September 20, 2011 12:22 pm

    it’s got a name? the “you can’t see me” move?

    it’s just as annoying as hearing ike say “swaggin'”.



  21. Butcher's Dog
    September 20, 2011 1:02 pm

    Benny gets no love for playing while wearing his wedding ring?! Left hand ring finger has been heavily taped for both games so far. Don’t see any other Bands of Gold out there.

    If you have TIVO I’m told you can do a delay so the sound and video link up perfectly. Up here in Mercer County, though, we don’t get the radio feed anyway. Easier to argue back with the network announcers; at least it’s better than listening to Greg Brown some 100 times a summer.



  22. mrc
    September 20, 2011 1:24 pm

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed the announcers vilifying Legursky for the same type of hit that was an accident when a seahawk did it. I was sitting there thinking, is he serious? Gotta be a joke…

    Has anyone seen the Steely McBeam pillow pets at Target?



  23. Leigh
    September 20, 2011 1:32 pm

    @mrc — I spotted the Steely McBeam pillow at my local Walgreens right next to the register. Can’t imagine this would be an impulse purchase!



  24. mrc
    September 20, 2011 1:41 pm

    @ Leigh – I can’t imagine waking up in the middle of the night & seeing that! EEK!

    Now the Iceburg? I might have to invest!



  25. PittinDC
    September 20, 2011 3:25 pm

    Fox always has the NFC games, so they are generally biased against AFC teams. Well, that and the Fox team are just not very good at their jobs!



  26. Clementine
    September 20, 2011 6:37 pm

    #6 I can see you, Emmanuel. Yes, I can.

    #6 (er, 6.1) No monster punter nom-nom pics makes Clementine sad :(

    #7 Wine, Oil of Olay and Mike Wallace makes Clementine happy :)

    #8 Still there, Emmanuel.



  27. Christine H
    September 20, 2011 8:10 pm

    My favorite part of this post is that you reminded me the name of the show “Amen.” I was thinking about it last week (really) and hadn’t a clue what the name was. Thank you (and I am way older than you, in case that makes you feel better).



  28. Julie
    September 21, 2011 8:35 am

    What is the purpose of the Breathe Right strip on the spikey hatted fan?? Some other place to write?



  29. NAM
    September 22, 2011 3:37 pm

    Thank you!! This is exactly how I felt on Sunday- from the Troy slow-motion “Baywatch” moment, to the ridiculous references about Hines and Dancing with the Stars, to everything about Siragusa. I, also, was confused about the hand gesture that I now know as “you can’t see me”. And, don’t even get me started about the hit on Ben’s knee! You know, if that happened to Tom Brady, they’d make a rule about it! Oh, wait…they already did!



  30. Xena
    September 23, 2011 1:29 am

    Ginny, football years are like dog years, so you don’t have to worry.