Tom Cruise was apparently in town prepping for his extended stay from October to January, so KDKA did what any news organization worth their wattage (I bet that doesn’t make sense, but I like the way it sounds so just shut up.), would do and headed to the Fairmont, which also housed the Batman cast and crew over the summer, to stalk Tom Cruise with a camera crew.
1. John Shumway notes there are black SUVs near the Fairmont. Because THAT MEANS SOMETHING. Tom Cruise ought to stun the world and arrive at the Fairmont in a white Escalade. It will be as good as camouflage in the jungle.
[white SUV pulls up]
[Tom Cruise steps out]
John Shumway: “Excuse me, small man, have you seen Tom Cruise anywhere?”
2. John Shumway, holding a headshot of Tom Cruise, then goes around Market Square and various surrounding blocks asking random Burghers if they’ve seen “this man.”
The only people in America who wouldn’t recognize Tom Cruise if he walked by them are blind people, but even then, his star power is so strong that Stevie Wonder would be all, “I feel the presence of pint-sized greatness near me.”
3. If Tom Cruise comes to Las Velas to eat, I will scream so loud that penguins in Antarctica will strap their young to their heads to create noise cancelling headphones.
Then I’ll get down on my haunches so Tom and I are eye level.
Get it? ‘Cause he’s short.
TRY THE VEAL.