Have you seen this man?

Tom Cruise was apparently in town prepping for his extended stay from October to January, so KDKA did what any news organization worth their wattage (I bet that doesn’t make sense, but I like the way it sounds so just shut up.), would do and headed to the Fairmont, which also housed the Batman cast and crew over the summer, to stalk Tom Cruise with a camera crew.

You have to watch the video for these reasons: 

1. John Shumway notes there are black SUVs near the Fairmont. Because THAT MEANS SOMETHING. Tom Cruise ought to stun the world and arrive at the Fairmont in a white Escalade. It will be as good as camouflage in the jungle.

[white SUV pulls up]

[Tom Cruise steps out]

John Shumway: “Excuse me, small man, have you seen Tom Cruise anywhere?”

2. John Shumway, holding a headshot of Tom Cruise, then goes around Market Square and various surrounding blocks asking random Burghers if they’ve seen “this man.”

The only people in America who wouldn’t recognize Tom Cruise if he walked by them are blind people, but even then, his star power is so strong that Stevie Wonder would be all, “I feel the presence of pint-sized greatness near me.”

3. If Tom Cruise comes to Las Velas to eat, I will scream so loud that penguins in Antarctica will strap their young to their heads to create noise cancelling headphones.

Then I’ll get down on my haunches so Tom and I are eye level.

Get it? ‘Cause he’s short.

TRY THE VEAL.





12 Comments

  1. bucdaddy
    September 22, 2011 1:57 pm

    Is there a Scientology center in town? I’d stake that out first.



  2. bored@work
    September 22, 2011 2:08 pm

    There is one in Southside! That’s where my tent will be set up!



  3. kevin
    September 22, 2011 3:47 pm

    I did see a small man, with a huge ego jumping on couches yelling you can’t handle the truth, but alas it was only Lukey



  4. unsatisfied
    September 22, 2011 3:53 pm

    don’t all the stars drive fiats these days?

    that’s what I thought after seeing that JLO commercial.



  5. bluzdude
    September 22, 2011 4:24 pm

    I hope you have some kind of Tom Cruise-shaped Bat Signal rigged up in case he shows up as Las Velas and you’re not there. I suppose you’ll have to train the staff in stalling techniques as well…



  6. LovinPittsburgh
    September 22, 2011 4:37 pm

    Shumway was too early. I saw Mr. Cruise on Tuesday around 6:30p walking towards Market Square from Stanwix.

    I was hoping, for your sake, that he WAS headed to Las Velas. :)



  7. Bram R
    September 22, 2011 5:03 pm

    You are quietly amassing an army of short-to-completely-average sized dudes who loathe you. We are quieter than PETA, but have greater physical stamina.



  8. Pa-Pop
    September 22, 2011 9:18 pm

    Maybe in a fit of nostalgia he’ll head for Johnstown hoping to find Lea Thompson in her band uniform.



  9. Steverino
    September 23, 2011 11:08 am

    I saw him at a Burger King in North Versailles. He was wearing sweat pants and had some food stains running down his sweat shirt. It was pretty gross.



  10. Dan (Not Onorato)
    September 23, 2011 3:10 pm

    @ $. Unsatified

    Come on now…the new fiats just make you want to jump out of the sunroof and dance on a crowded street…



  11. AngryMongo
    September 25, 2011 9:32 pm

    Maybe he’ll be here long enough to jump and down on a burning couch.



  12. efw_west
    September 26, 2011 9:51 am

    honestly, he was spotted yesterday in the North Hill, Soergels.