What They’re Really Thinking: I Am Drinking Tequila Edition

I drink a shot of tequila before I sit down to write every WTRT, win or lose. Does this make me an alcoholic?

I see you’re emphatically shaking your head that “NO” that does not make me an alcoholic.

I appreciate your honesty. Salud.

It’s amazing how much less I hate the Colts when I don’t have to watch Peyton Manning flap his arms like an injured baby bird before every snap while shouting ridiculous nonsense and pointing and shouting and flapping and pointing and SOMEBODY SHOOT THAT DAMN BIRD.

But just because I don’t hate the Colts, doesn’t mean I don’t want them to suffer miserably and call home to their mommies and whine about those bully Steelers.

Let’s talk football:

1.Pregame. A hungry Larry Foote discovers Casey Hampton’s secret armpit hiding place.

Larry might want to check Casey’s bellybutton for the HoHos.

2. This game started out just swimmingly, if I may use a word that I don’t get why we use to describe when things go well. Swimming sucks. It is exhausting. I’d prefer things go floatingly.

Whoa, tequila. Let’s get this burro back on the dirt path!

Luckily for us, we were up against the oldest quarterback in the history of quarterbacks. Charlie Batch may have known Jesus, but Kerry Collins knew pterodactyls.

And here’s the part where I go google Kerry Collins’ age. Hold my hand.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! He is two years older than me!

[fist pump] [rocker kick!]

Ow! My back!

Kerry looked a bit lost for the first half of the game. Couldn’t seem to make anything happen. Wonder why he was so distracted.

It was either that or he was daydreaming about new tennis balls for his walker.

3.  It was late in the first quarter when the Steelers were up 3-0 thanks to a field goal by Shaun Suisham, when Benny looked over at Mike Wallace and eye-f*#ked him, for lack of a better term.

We should have known right there that something was up. Something good. Something BIG AND LONG AND NOT FRESHLY SHOWERED.

(OMG. How ya doin’, Santonio?! Been forever since I thought about you.)

And BOOM to Mike Wallace for 81 yards because Mike Wallace can outrun anything, see:

Good luck, Superman. You’re going to need it.

Also, I had a thought on twitter last night and it needs to happen for charity: If Andrew McCutchen and Mike Wallace had a footrace, who would win? Mike Wallace’s 40 time is slightly slower than Cutch’s. I’d pay good money for SICK KIDS to see who would actually win.

4. Now 10 to 0, it’s time for Kerry Collins to step up and score some points! Kerry? Kerry?

 

Oh, he’s done for. Once you get Betty White in your head, you can think of nothing else.

It ended up not mattering for Kerry because the defense was about to go to work.

5. Benny fumbles and good ole’ Jonathan Scott, who pretty much stunk his stink all over the field last night, not only allows the fumble to happen by not even touching his man, but then stands there and watches the ball bounce around for a bit all, “Oh! BOUNCY FUN BALL TIME!”

It’s recovered and returned for a touchdown in the 2nd quarter and this is stinky, but not too worrisome.

What is worrisome is that Ben’s very next pass after the kickoff is an interception which lines the Colts up to score and just like that, the Steelers are down 10-13.

And this is where we talk about the offensive line.

Amen.

Where is the offensive line?!

I can’t even find it in my heart to blame The Duke of Fug for his fumbles because the injury-depleted offensive line was as porous as the Mexico/US border.

Something has to be fixed before we face a better team with an actual real quarterback.

6. Motivational poster interlude while I go play Hi Hi Cherry-o with my daughter:

 

And we’re back. Killed it. Queen of Cherry-O shall be my new name.

Princess of Pout shall be my daughter’s.

7. In the third quarter Shaun Suisham has a chance to tie the game up from thirty-something yards after nailing a 48-yard field goal earlier in the game … AND HE MISSES IT WITH A BONK OFF THE UPRIGHT!

AND I DOTH VOMIT!

I DOETH FRET!

Didn’t Skippy start his tailspin this way? Making long field goals and shanking the short?

I wring my hands and fear this is a bad omen. Like we’ll lose the game by three and I’ll be forced to write mean things about Shaun Suisham all, “YOU STINK LIKE WEEK-OLD SUSHI!”

I wonder if Skippy Skeeve sits somewhere stroking his fat belly all, “Mwah-hahah.  Also, I miss sluts.”

8. Kerry Collins is concussed and presses his Life Alert all, “I’ve fallen. And I can’t get up.” He then requests a can of chocolate Ensure from the staff.

9. Hines Ward. For the first time, I really noticed he didn’t have much to do with this game. Is that because he was double-teamed, because Benny just didn’t see him open ever, or because he is finally starting to show his age?

10. Speaking of Troysus. He lives!

He somehow figured out the Colts’ snap count because several times he perfectly timed his crossing of the line of scrimmage. He was everywhere, in all things, up in all the faces and it was beautiful and angels wept and glory, glory, hallelujah.

Interception for a touchdown and we’re up 20-13!

But then Troysus is TOO good and gets to the Colts’ backfield too early on a handoff and has to make a split-second decision. Go for the quarterback and risk he hands off the ball in time. Or go for the running back and risk that the quarterback makes a pass into the endzone.

Troysus chose wrongly. Touchdown Colts ONLY because Troysus is superhuman.

He IS HIS OWN KRYPTONITE!

11. Minutes on the clock. Suisham up to try for a game-winning 38-yard field goal after missing a 36-yarder earlier.

I am vomitous again. Skippy Skeeve is praying to his god of Skank.

I begin begging.

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME MAKE BAD SUSHI JOKES.

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HATE YOU.

PLEASE DON’T GIVE SKIPPY A REASON TO SMILE.

Peyton Manning unleashes his Death Stare.

NAILED IT!

I rejoice by jumping up and down on the bed and pointing and laughing at an imaginary Skippy Skeeve while my husband’s sleeping form bounces to and fro.

Him: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!

Me: We won! Say focus for me!

Steeler Nation rejoices in the win, but frets of how CLOSE of a win it was.

And above all, Shaun Suisham is safe from my wrath.

Provided he STEPS THE HELL OFF FROM MY MAN.

 





34 Comments

  1. Cassie
    September 26, 2011 8:29 pm

    OMG, your smiley face with the ! at the end about killed me from laughter.



  2. Rachel
    September 26, 2011 8:31 pm

    I do believe Daniel’s muscles have muscles!! <3



  3. Jen
    September 26, 2011 8:52 pm

    I did that can’t-breathe-laugh like five or six times during this. I love you. God bless Troysus. The end :)



  4. Burghthing
    September 26, 2011 9:01 pm

    What in Troysus’s name is wrong with his arm?!



  5. Clementine
    September 26, 2011 9:08 pm

    Oh, god of Troysus, that was funny! #8 did me in — and just the thought we almost lost to the 2000 Year Old Man and Jeff Spicoli. Why must football be so painful (for me?)

    Could someone please photoshop Max Starks out of the final photo? He’s detracting from the nom-nom sandwich (of which I would like to be the spread!)

    That sounded way dirtier than I intended (not.)



  6. mfj
    September 26, 2011 9:21 pm

    #1. I thought the HoHos all left town when they cut Jeff Reed,



  7. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    September 26, 2011 9:36 pm

    Thanks for making an awful day end on a happy note! We need to play much better next week.

    @Clementine – not sure who is wearing 78 this year, but it’s not Starks. The Steelers released him prior to the start of training camp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he got a call from the Steelers this week. Our O-line could use some help and I’m not sure if there’s much out there. At least he knows the system.



  8. Noelle
    September 26, 2011 9:46 pm

    NO CHEERLEADER MENTIONS!?? Dang it, of all the cheerleaders out there, they actually have the most decent boots. (If there weren’t white. White after labor day???? barf.) http://www.colts.com/cheerleaders/index.html



  9. Noelle
    September 26, 2011 9:48 pm

    P.S. Confession time: as much as I loath the Indianapolihoes, I’d give anything to have those abs.



  10. unsatisfied
    September 26, 2011 9:52 pm

    that’s betty white?

    I thought it was nick nolte.



  11. Peggy
    September 26, 2011 10:22 pm

    Great recap. Love #3 – “when Benny looked over at Mike Wallace and eye-f*#ked him, for lack of a better term”. I think I gotta start using that one.

    Also, I would pay money to see Mike Wallace (love the Hershey Kiss hair) vs. McCutchen in a foot race. I’m putting my money on Wallace.



  12. bucdaddy
    September 26, 2011 11:38 pm

    Larry might want to check Casey’s bellybutton for the HoHos.

    He could hide an ENTIRE Santa Claus in there, hohoho.

    And I knew Collins was old but I didn’t think he was 56.



  13. Eric Williams
    September 27, 2011 12:10 am

    Is that Shaggy from Scooby Doo in the pillow pets picture?



  14. Dan (Not Onorato)
    September 27, 2011 7:31 am

    #7 Skippy Skeeve and “shanking the short” Is that what he’s resorted to these days since his hos be gone?

    Jussayin..



  15. WIMom
    September 27, 2011 8:29 am

    Great, great post, Ginny- one of the best. And I have felt the same way about Peyton Manning for years- all that flapping and yapping make it impossible for me to watch him.



  16. Monty
    September 27, 2011 9:20 am

    I challenge every male here to look at the Betty White picture and not cross your legs.



  17. Sue
    September 27, 2011 9:47 am

    Outstanding post, Ginny! I also have to rejoice in the knowledge that I was not the only one who thought that Jonathan Scott sucked the big suck on Sunday!! How can one hurt himself if he appears to never touch another player??



  18. LovinPittsburgh
    September 27, 2011 9:51 am

    @unsatisfied – LOL

    Ginny, you outdid yourself again. I hurt myself laughing at this:

    [fist pump] [rocker kick!]

    Ow! My back!



  19. bluzdude
    September 27, 2011 10:07 am

    2 points:

    1) I think someone replaced old Kerry Collins with an even older Gary Cole. I bet he took all the staplers in the front office.

    2) Cutch may win a 40 against Wallace, but I’d take #17 in the 100.



  20. bucdaddy
    September 27, 2011 10:36 am

    Chase d’Arnaud might beat them all.

    And Presley isn’t slow either.

    We need a match race.



  21. facie
    September 27, 2011 11:17 am

    I have slightly over a year on Kerry Collins, and I am certain if we were out in public, people might mistake him for my dad. For the love of Pete, what the H happened to him?!

    As for Peyton the player, I am all grr. But Peyton the overexposed TV commercial dude? Now him I like.

    Great post as always. Who knew tequila was your muse? ;-)



  22. Butcher's Dog
    September 27, 2011 11:47 am

    @bucdaddy: The match race would be great, but it’s ain’t ever gonna happen. Corporate suits would shit blue bricks over the chance that one of these guys would blow out a hamstring for something as frivilous as sating the fans’ curiosity. And really, who wants a house made out of blue bricks?
    (still stinging from latest rejection for Mercer County of 10-year-old girl catching place on fire by smoking under her bed)



  23. bucdaddy
    September 27, 2011 12:00 pm

    Wait, the vote on that was YES. The football fight was rejected.

    I was at Sunday’s game when d’Arnaud hit a two-run triple to left center. My eyes followed the flight of the ball until it hit the ground, and then I looked in the infield and saw a guy rounding second and heading to third. I thought it was one of the runners already on base. Turned out it was d’Arnaud.

    Jeebus, he’s fast.



  24. Chrissy
    September 27, 2011 12:24 pm

    Ahhh Kerry Collins….tis a far cry from those wild days at PSU when you were the big bad quarterback. My room mates would point and whisper to each other when they saw you saying how hot you were.

    I’m sure you don’t remember me but I was the lowly sophmore that would point and laugh at you as your were laying in your own puke outside of the Shandy Gaff.

    Oh how the mighty have fallen and are totally washed up.



  25. Joe K.
    September 27, 2011 12:40 pm

    My God the Shandy Gaff saloon, can’t believe I actually drank beer in that place, LOL.

    It’s the beard that makes Collins look older. Pro tip for men: if you’re starting to get gray hair, there’s just going to be more of it showing if you let your beard grow.



  26. Joe K.
    September 27, 2011 12:43 pm

    Now that I think about it one of my roommates met his wife in the Shandy Gaff, so it’s been 12 years of marriage now, so far so good I guess!



  27. Dan (Not Onorato)
    September 27, 2011 1:22 pm

    Loved every Thursday night at the Gaff

    Is it weird that I can still smell beer and smoke everytime “Come on Eileen” is on the radio?



  28. Butcher's Dog
    September 27, 2011 1:49 pm

    @bucdaddy: Then Mercer’s score should be 3; last posting I saw had us stuck at 2. To recap, it’s the jewel thief who called offering assistance in catching the thief to collect the reward, the Amish sexual harrassment at the horse auction, and the girl smoking under (instead of in) her bed.

    d’Arnaud can definitely fly. If he can field and hit a little, he’ll be around a while. He may not beat the others in a straight line, but I think he burns both ‘Cutch and Wallace going from home to third.



  29. Joe K.
    September 27, 2011 3:25 pm

    @ Dan #27:

    Ah, the good old days when smoking was allowed in bars…



  30. unsatisfied
    September 27, 2011 11:56 pm

    shandy gaff?

    hot damn.

    I think I puked there once myself.



  31. Trinity
    September 28, 2011 9:22 am

    My husband is known for saying, “You can’t over throw Mike Wallace.” I scoffed. Until Sunday.



  32. Ginny's Dad
    September 29, 2011 1:14 pm

    A little late with this, but am I the only one to note your little faux pas? Troy scored on a fumble recovery and not an interception. I’m sure you did it on purpose to see if your readers are really reading your posts. Do I win a prize like free Margaritas at Las Velas?

    Luv ya



  33. Butcher's Dog
    September 29, 2011 1:51 pm

    @Ginny’s Dad: I noticed that too. Ginny not being my daughter and all, I abstained from correcting her. That’s still your job, right?



  34. Ginny's Dad
    September 29, 2011 1:58 pm

    @ Butcher’s Dog: Absolutely. I’m sure others noticed it and, being more gracious than me, didn’t want to be nitpicky. I don’t want her to get a big head so I exercised my patriarchal authority. Sorry, Gin.