- September 26, 2011
- filed under Ben Roethlisberger, Daniel Sepulveda, Mike Tomlin, Steelers, Troy Polamalu
I drink a shot of tequila before I sit down to write every WTRT, win or lose. Does this make me an alcoholic?
I see you’re emphatically shaking your head that “NO” that does not make me an alcoholic.
I appreciate your honesty. Salud.
It’s amazing how much less I hate the Colts when I don’t have to watch Peyton Manning flap his arms like an injured baby bird before every snap while shouting ridiculous nonsense and pointing and shouting and flapping and pointing and SOMEBODY SHOOT THAT DAMN BIRD.
But just because I don’t hate the Colts, doesn’t mean I don’t want them to suffer miserably and call home to their mommies and whine about those bully Steelers.
Let’s talk football:
1.Pregame. A hungry Larry Foote discovers Casey Hampton’s secret armpit hiding place.
Larry might want to check Casey’s bellybutton for the HoHos.
2. This game started out just swimmingly, if I may use a word that I don’t get why we use to describe when things go well. Swimming sucks. It is exhausting. I’d prefer things go floatingly.
Whoa, tequila. Let’s get this burro back on the dirt path!
Luckily for us, we were up against the oldest quarterback in the history of quarterbacks. Charlie Batch may have known Jesus, but Kerry Collins knew pterodactyls.
And here’s the part where I go google Kerry Collins’ age. Hold my hand.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! He is two years older than me!
[fist pump] [rocker kick!]
Ow! My back!
Kerry looked a bit lost for the first half of the game. Couldn’t seem to make anything happen. Wonder why he was so distracted.
It was either that or he was daydreaming about new tennis balls for his walker.
3. It was late in the first quarter when the Steelers were up 3-0 thanks to a field goal by Shaun Suisham, when Benny looked over at Mike Wallace and eye-f*#ked him, for lack of a better term.
We should have known right there that something was up. Something good. Something BIG AND LONG AND NOT FRESHLY SHOWERED.
(OMG. How ya doin’, Santonio?! Been forever since I thought about you.)
And BOOM to Mike Wallace for 81 yards because Mike Wallace can outrun anything, see:
Good luck, Superman. You’re going to need it.
Also, I had a thought on twitter last night and it needs to happen for charity: If Andrew McCutchen and Mike Wallace had a footrace, who would win? Mike Wallace’s 40 time is slightly slower than Cutch’s. I’d pay good money for SICK KIDS to see who would actually win.
4. Now 10 to 0, it’s time for Kerry Collins to step up and score some points! Kerry? Kerry?
Oh, he’s done for. Once you get Betty White in your head, you can think of nothing else.
It ended up not mattering for Kerry because the defense was about to go to work.
5. Benny fumbles and good ole’ Jonathan Scott, who pretty much stunk his stink all over the field last night, not only allows the fumble to happen by not even touching his man, but then stands there and watches the ball bounce around for a bit all, “Oh! BOUNCY FUN BALL TIME!”
It’s recovered and returned for a touchdown in the 2nd quarter and this is stinky, but not too worrisome.
What is worrisome is that Ben’s very next pass after the kickoff is an interception which lines the Colts up to score and just like that, the Steelers are down 10-13.
And this is where we talk about the offensive line.
Where is the offensive line?!
I can’t even find it in my heart to blame The Duke of Fug for his fumbles because the injury-depleted offensive line was as porous as the Mexico/US border.
Something has to be fixed before we face a better team with an actual real quarterback.
6. Motivational poster interlude while I go play Hi Hi Cherry-o with my daughter:
And we’re back. Killed it. Queen of Cherry-O shall be my new name.
Princess of Pout shall be my daughter’s.
7. In the third quarter Shaun Suisham has a chance to tie the game up from thirty-something yards after nailing a 48-yard field goal earlier in the game … AND HE MISSES IT WITH A BONK OFF THE UPRIGHT!
AND I DOTH VOMIT!
I DOETH FRET!
Didn’t Skippy start his tailspin this way? Making long field goals and shanking the short?
I wring my hands and fear this is a bad omen. Like we’ll lose the game by three and I’ll be forced to write mean things about Shaun Suisham all, “YOU STINK LIKE WEEK-OLD SUSHI!”
I wonder if Skippy Skeeve sits somewhere stroking his fat belly all, “Mwah-hahah. Also, I miss sluts.”
8. Kerry Collins is concussed and presses his Life Alert all, “I’ve fallen. And I can’t get up.” He then requests a can of chocolate Ensure from the staff.
9. Hines Ward. For the first time, I really noticed he didn’t have much to do with this game. Is that because he was double-teamed, because Benny just didn’t see him open ever, or because he is finally starting to show his age?
10. Speaking of Troysus. He lives!
He somehow figured out the Colts’ snap count because several times he perfectly timed his crossing of the line of scrimmage. He was everywhere, in all things, up in all the faces and it was beautiful and angels wept and glory, glory, hallelujah.
Interception for a touchdown and we’re up 20-13!
But then Troysus is TOO good and gets to the Colts’ backfield too early on a handoff and has to make a split-second decision. Go for the quarterback and risk he hands off the ball in time. Or go for the running back and risk that the quarterback makes a pass into the endzone.
Troysus chose wrongly. Touchdown Colts ONLY because Troysus is superhuman.
He IS HIS OWN KRYPTONITE!
11. Minutes on the clock. Suisham up to try for a game-winning 38-yard field goal after missing a 36-yarder earlier.
I am vomitous again. Skippy Skeeve is praying to his god of Skank.
I begin begging.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME MAKE BAD SUSHI JOKES.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HATE YOU.
PLEASE DON’T GIVE SKIPPY A REASON TO SMILE.
Peyton Manning unleashes his Death Stare.
I rejoice by jumping up and down on the bed and pointing and laughing at an imaginary Skippy Skeeve while my husband’s sleeping form bounces to and fro.
Him: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
Me: We won! Say focus for me!
Steeler Nation rejoices in the win, but frets of how CLOSE of a win it was.
And above all, Shaun Suisham is safe from my wrath.
Provided he STEPS THE HELL OFF FROM MY MAN.