Monthly Archives: September 2011

P-G FAIL.

The front page of the Post-Gazette.com was nice enough to show us all Nancy Grace’s nipple!

 

I starred it out for you, because that which has been seen cannot be neuralyzed until they invent the Neuralyzer.

Anyway, nice going, P-G. Maybe you oughta hide the old lady nipples behind a pay-wall?

(h/t @87dodgecharger on twitter)





Random n’at

1. Ladies, and some gents, you are going to love me when you get to the end of this post. Don’t applaud. Throw cash.

2. Jaromir Jagr, Through the Years.

There’s a nice shot of him dying alive with a sad panda expression.

P.S. This season, please expect several requests from me for Jagr’s balls on a stick.

3. Last night on Hawaii Five O, a counterfeiter used plates stolen from the U.S. Mint to make fake money.

In Fayette County, they use a copier and a GLUE STICK.

While he’s in jail, he’ll probably get a book from the library that explains you can print on BOTH SIDES OF A PIECE OF PAPER and he is going to be all, “WHA?!?”

4. Oh, Myron Cope. I wish you were alive to see what ESPN is doing this to honor the Towel.

Go upload your Towel pics and videos, Burghers, for the new ESPN campaign!

Reader Allison tweeted me this one she submitted.

My heart bursts.

5.  Did you know there is a place in Pittsburgh’s West End called Education Partnership where teachers can go to shop for free for supplies for their classrooms?!

EP raises new goods that are donated to schools and teachers, who get to come and shop for free in a store-like atmosphere. Teachers can pick up art supplies, paper, pens, notebooks, incentive items, hand lotion, even furniture for free. This is HUGE for teachers, who typically spend at least $1,200 each year of their own money to supplement classroom supply needs.

How awesome is that?!  Check it out, Wendy Bell!

Yes, that’s a new thing. I don’t write “check it out” without also writing “Wendy Bell!” because it makes me giggle.

6. Email from reader Karen:

So, I know that you are a huge fan of Nutella. Just came home to find that Ray, our 70 lb Boxer just ate an entire jar of it,  and by that I mean, he “Simonized” it. Not a lick left. I think he’s going to have a rough night. #hazelnutshitstorm

#Hazelnutshitstorm is the greatest hashtag ever.

7. The Riverside Church’s Second Annual Craft Show is coming up on November 5 and they’re looking for crafters to sell their wares.  Email rccgirlfriends[at]verizon.net if you’re interested!

8. Vivian has a few new posts up about her trip to Haiti to see the work of Jamie and Ali McMutrie!  Check it out, Wendy Bell!

Also, CUTE PICTURE!

9. Reader Alecia sent me this picture.

I don’t even know what to say, except SEXABS.

 





For once, I wish I could really skate.

You know how much I suck at ice skating on account of, you know, my inner ear problem and by inner ear problem I mean I look like a drunk giraffe walking across a field of bowling balls.

This makes me sad because Mario Lemieux is about to make a whole bunch of hockey geeks’ dreams come freaking true! This from an email I received today from his foundation:

The Mario Lemieux Foundation announced today that NHL great and Pittsburgh Penguins owner Mario Lemieux will hold a fantasy hockey camp on January 4-8, 2012, benefiting the Foundation.  “I am excited about the prospect of this camp,” said Lemieux.  “Not only will this give adults the chance to have an NHL experience, but it will also help raise needed funds for my Foundation’s important cancer projects.”

Participants in the Mario Lemieux Fantasy Hockey Camp will have a truly unique and exclusive team experience of skating with not only Lemieux, but also legends such as Mark Recchi, Mike Eruzione, Gary Roberts, Billy Guerin, Bryan Trottier and Rick Tocchet all serving as team captains.  Participants will receive top of the line hockey gear, equipment and NHL-level hockey instruction, take part in a round-robin tournament, and attend two Pittsburgh Penguins home games at CONSOL Energy Center.  All proceeds will benefit the Lemieux Foundation.  For more information, log on to www.mariolemieux.org.

Thoughts.

1. GARY ROBERTS. You could spend an hour entertaining him with Gary Roberts as Chuck Norris jokes!  “Gary Roberts can slam a revolving door. Gary Roberts clapped with one hand. And heard it.”

2. MARIO. You would share ice with Mario and you wouldn’t have to kidnap him to do it. Not that I would ever dream of doing that. Ahem. Where were we?

3. It’s probably best that I don’t know how to ice skate because there is a billion percent chance I was getting asked to leave anyway for all the sports-butt-slapping I was doing.





That’s entertainment

Remember the “Reality hits you hard, bro” video and how I begged you Burghers to ENTERTAIN US, DAMN IT, the next time you were asked by the local news to recount something that happened to you or something you witnessed?

I’m happy to report that people are taking that advice to heart. Case in point is this Hampton, PA couple, George and Anita Meier who fought off a home intruder and then were gracious enough to re-enact the whole thing for WPXI.

This was a very good attempt at entertainment. Next time let’s just have a little more AND SHE WAS ALL THEN I WAS ALL AND THEN BAM BAM BAM POW WOOWEE WOOWEE WOOWEE THEY RAPIN’ ERRYBODY UP IN HERE.

But A for effort!

P.S. That guy is 74.

He must be a Jedi.

(h/t Dan for emailing me the link. Also, Mikey and Big Bob were all over this story on the radio)





What They’re Really Thinking: I Am Drinking Tequila Edition

I drink a shot of tequila before I sit down to write every WTRT, win or lose. Does this make me an alcoholic?

I see you’re emphatically shaking your head that “NO” that does not make me an alcoholic.

I appreciate your honesty. Salud.

It’s amazing how much less I hate the Colts when I don’t have to watch Peyton Manning flap his arms like an injured baby bird before every snap while shouting ridiculous nonsense and pointing and shouting and flapping and pointing and SOMEBODY SHOOT THAT DAMN BIRD.

But just because I don’t hate the Colts, doesn’t mean I don’t want them to suffer miserably and call home to their mommies and whine about those bully Steelers.

Let’s talk football:

1.Pregame. A hungry Larry Foote discovers Casey Hampton’s secret armpit hiding place.

Larry might want to check Casey’s bellybutton for the HoHos.

2. This game started out just swimmingly, if I may use a word that I don’t get why we use to describe when things go well. Swimming sucks. It is exhausting. I’d prefer things go floatingly.

Whoa, tequila. Let’s get this burro back on the dirt path!

Luckily for us, we were up against the oldest quarterback in the history of quarterbacks. Charlie Batch may have known Jesus, but Kerry Collins knew pterodactyls.

And here’s the part where I go google Kerry Collins’ age. Hold my hand.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! He is two years older than me!

[fist pump] [rocker kick!]

Ow! My back!

Kerry looked a bit lost for the first half of the game. Couldn’t seem to make anything happen. Wonder why he was so distracted.

It was either that or he was daydreaming about new tennis balls for his walker.

3.  It was late in the first quarter when the Steelers were up 3-0 thanks to a field goal by Shaun Suisham, when Benny looked over at Mike Wallace and eye-f*#ked him, for lack of a better term.

We should have known right there that something was up. Something good. Something BIG AND LONG AND NOT FRESHLY SHOWERED.

(OMG. How ya doin’, Santonio?! Been forever since I thought about you.)

And BOOM to Mike Wallace for 81 yards because Mike Wallace can outrun anything, see:

Good luck, Superman. You’re going to need it.

Also, I had a thought on twitter last night and it needs to happen for charity: If Andrew McCutchen and Mike Wallace had a footrace, who would win? Mike Wallace’s 40 time is slightly slower than Cutch’s. I’d pay good money for SICK KIDS to see who would actually win.

4. Now 10 to 0, it’s time for Kerry Collins to step up and score some points! Kerry? Kerry?

 

Oh, he’s done for. Once you get Betty White in your head, you can think of nothing else.

It ended up not mattering for Kerry because the defense was about to go to work.

5. Benny fumbles and good ole’ Jonathan Scott, who pretty much stunk his stink all over the field last night, not only allows the fumble to happen by not even touching his man, but then stands there and watches the ball bounce around for a bit all, “Oh! BOUNCY FUN BALL TIME!”

It’s recovered and returned for a touchdown in the 2nd quarter and this is stinky, but not too worrisome.

What is worrisome is that Ben’s very next pass after the kickoff is an interception which lines the Colts up to score and just like that, the Steelers are down 10-13.

And this is where we talk about the offensive line.

Amen.

Where is the offensive line?!

I can’t even find it in my heart to blame The Duke of Fug for his fumbles because the injury-depleted offensive line was as porous as the Mexico/US border.

Something has to be fixed before we face a better team with an actual real quarterback.

6. Motivational poster interlude while I go play Hi Hi Cherry-o with my daughter:

 

And we’re back. Killed it. Queen of Cherry-O shall be my new name.

Princess of Pout shall be my daughter’s.

7. In the third quarter Shaun Suisham has a chance to tie the game up from thirty-something yards after nailing a 48-yard field goal earlier in the game … AND HE MISSES IT WITH A BONK OFF THE UPRIGHT!

AND I DOTH VOMIT!

I DOETH FRET!

Didn’t Skippy start his tailspin this way? Making long field goals and shanking the short?

I wring my hands and fear this is a bad omen. Like we’ll lose the game by three and I’ll be forced to write mean things about Shaun Suisham all, “YOU STINK LIKE WEEK-OLD SUSHI!”

I wonder if Skippy Skeeve sits somewhere stroking his fat belly all, “Mwah-hahah.  Also, I miss sluts.”

8. Kerry Collins is concussed and presses his Life Alert all, “I’ve fallen. And I can’t get up.” He then requests a can of chocolate Ensure from the staff.

9. Hines Ward. For the first time, I really noticed he didn’t have much to do with this game. Is that because he was double-teamed, because Benny just didn’t see him open ever, or because he is finally starting to show his age?

10. Speaking of Troysus. He lives!

He somehow figured out the Colts’ snap count because several times he perfectly timed his crossing of the line of scrimmage. He was everywhere, in all things, up in all the faces and it was beautiful and angels wept and glory, glory, hallelujah.

Interception for a touchdown and we’re up 20-13!

But then Troysus is TOO good and gets to the Colts’ backfield too early on a handoff and has to make a split-second decision. Go for the quarterback and risk he hands off the ball in time. Or go for the running back and risk that the quarterback makes a pass into the endzone.

Troysus chose wrongly. Touchdown Colts ONLY because Troysus is superhuman.

He IS HIS OWN KRYPTONITE!

11. Minutes on the clock. Suisham up to try for a game-winning 38-yard field goal after missing a 36-yarder earlier.

I am vomitous again. Skippy Skeeve is praying to his god of Skank.

I begin begging.

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME MAKE BAD SUSHI JOKES.

PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME HATE YOU.

PLEASE DON’T GIVE SKIPPY A REASON TO SMILE.

Peyton Manning unleashes his Death Stare.

NAILED IT!

I rejoice by jumping up and down on the bed and pointing and laughing at an imaginary Skippy Skeeve while my husband’s sleeping form bounces to and fro.

Him: WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!

Me: We won! Say focus for me!

Steeler Nation rejoices in the win, but frets of how CLOSE of a win it was.

And above all, Shaun Suisham is safe from my wrath.

Provided he STEPS THE HELL OFF FROM MY MAN.