Monthly Archives: October 2011

It DOES exist!

Remember my genius idea for the Kennywood Jack Rabbit double-dip camera? It turns out that Kennywood DOES have a camera catching terrified kiddies on the Jack Rabbit. My only question is, is the camera at the double dip?!

Here is reader Danielle and her four-year-old son who wanted to try the Jack Rabbit for his first ride.

Oh, little did he know. DOUBLE DIP, WHIPPERSNAPPER.

That’s the face of a kid thinking he’s being ejected into the stratosphere.

I love it!

I want to see more! Send me more, Internet!





What They’re Really Thinking: NSFW? Edition

Yes, Pittsburgh. I attended yesterday’s game, the first game I’ve gone to in a while on account of I’m a baby about being cold. I’m already cold in general as I’m one of those people who is most comfortable when it’s a hazy, hot, humid 99 degrees outside, so sitting outside in the freezing Pittsburgh winter for four hours isn’t really my idea of fun.

I prefer to sit on my couch with my family around me where I can jump up and down and swear and high-five my father and then apologize for the swearing and then swear some more.

But the opportunity to be in the same stadium as Tom Brady and to evil eye him until I got a migraine? To hex him with words I learned in MacBeth? To stab the huevos of his voodoo doll while I have mine eyes upon him? WORTH THE SHIVERS. My hate for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick is beyond biblical. They’d need to add an amendment after Revelations to cover this kind of hate.

I bundled up and I marched to Heinz Field, stopped briefly at the tailgate where the Mexicans, including my husband, were warm with tequila (TEQUILA! Let’s do a shot every time I write “tequila.” TEQUILA!), met Janelle Hall for a hot minute (She is super fine. Holy moly. Gorgeous. I told her so. Then I told her to step off Daniel Sepulveda. Just in case.) and headed into the stadium to get to work on Tom Brady as my pre-stated goal was to have him growing a nipple on his forehead by the fourth quarter.

When asked about my promise at the pregame presser, Tom was his usual douchy self:

They tried to ask Bill Belichick about it, but he was mum:

Let’s talk football and satisfying wins!

1. Heath Miller had a ridiculously monster first quarter, with what seemed like five catches in the first drive alone. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Again and again. He is Chewbacca; hear him ARRRRRRAAA.

2. The entire first quarter and much of the second quarter was just beautiful football and it felt so good to be out in front of the hated Patriots early. And they are HATED. I have never heard so many insults thrown at one person as were thrown at Bill Belichick throughout the entire game.

I tweeted this yesterday, but there was a man sitting behind me and he looked like your dad. Gray hair. Early 60s. Wedding ring. Not even a HINT of yinzer in him. Looked like a business man wearing dockers and a jacket. Very distinguished. At one point when Belichick was arguing a call, screaming on the sidelines at the ref, this man stood up and yelled at the top of his completely sober lungs: “Belichick! You son of a bitch! You’re a piece of shit! I hate you, ya cheating mother*@^#er!”

And I laughed. And I wanted to hug that dad.

And that’s how it went the whole game. Constant trash talking toward Belichick:

And I know what the Pats fans will say. “Stay classy, Pittsburgh.”

You know what’s not classy? Cheating.

Bazinga.

3. I did love watching Troysus on two particular tackles. The one of Wes Welker when Troysus knocked him into 2012, to which the dad behind me screamed, “YOU STAY DOWN! YOU STAY DOWN, WELKER!”

And the tackle where he rode Gronkowski like he was comin’ ’round the mountain.

Clearly my hex was working.

4. The thing I could not hex was the Patriots’ O-line because other than the few times we got to him, Tom Brady was rarely hurried and at one point, he just stood as still as a statue in the pocket, waiting for a receiver to get open. He almost always had all day to throw the ball. That pissed me off so bad. I hexed harder.

5. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross had a stellar game, didn’t buckle under pressure other than that pesky interception that made me all “SON OF A BITCH,” and generally just controlled a great portion of the game and the clock.  He is doing his best to make me not hate him.

Because if we lost to the Patriots at a game I attended due to a Benny interception? They’d have to amend the Bible AFTER the Tom Brady Book of Hate.

Oh, wait! I forgot about that one 3rd and 3, I think it was, pass to GOD KNOWS WHO IN THE ENDZONE. Maybe Casper? Maybe a fan in the stands? Giving the Patriots the ball and a small glimmer of hope to win the game.

That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Luckily it was hot chocolate.

6. Hines who?

[ducks]

Nine receivers had catches and Antonio Brown was all over the place. So, really, Hines who?

[ducks] [pops up and throws rotten eggs]

7. I did not get to see Daniel Sepulveda punt until the very very last seconds of the game. Yay for the Steelers that they didn’t need him. But BOO FREAKING HOO FOR ME.

8. Suisham is making me all nervous anymore, you guys. First with the wonky kickand then I knew he was going to miss the 42-yarder.

I said it to my husband. “He is going to miss this.”

My husband said, “There’s no wind. He’s got this.”

I said, “He’s going to miss it. I can’t watch.” I covered my eyes.

He said, “Oh. He missed it.”

I said, “Scream ‘focus, Suisham’ for me.”

It’s a miracle my real husband puts up with me.

Also, if we lost this game by three points or less, they would have had to just write a new bible all about hate, rage, smiting, and forehead nipples.

9. The last few minutes of the game, when it looked like we would win, but that there was still a chance Tom could pull a victory out with one nice long pass, I was shivering and it wasn’t because I was cold. It was stress. Pure stress and the exertion of hexing. All of my muscles were tight and aching. My stomach was roiling at the prospect, however small, of leaving the stadium with a loss and no nipple on Tom Brady’s forehead.

Then Brett Keisel performed a miracle and Troysus saw the miracle and he punched that miracle into the endzone.  Ziggy Hood ran down the miracle, scooped it into his arms, and SAFE-TYYYYYYYYYY!

CHAOS IN THE STADIUM! The dad behind me was screaming “YES, YES, YES, YOU MOTHERF*#@ERS!”

I was jumping up and down and hugging my real husband for joy. Not just joy that we won. But joy that it was the hated Patriots we beat. The demons were slayed. Good killed evil. And most importantly, the hex worked.

You’re welcome.

Also, YOU TRY TO PUT A NIPPLE ON A FOREHEAD IN MS PAINT!

This was the best game I could have chosen to attend and I’m so so glad I did.

However, next week is going to be just as much a battle. We have the Ravens (spits) and we’re facing them without Woodley and possibly without Hines or James Harrison or Farrior and more.

I wonder if I can get a foot to grow out of Ray Lewis’ butt.

TEQUILA, TEQUILA, TEQUILA!





[headdesk] [facepalm] [hulksmash]

Every time I write a post in which I use my blog to scoldingly click my tongue at a city council member, I worry there will be a surprise health inspection at the restaurant the following week (Doesn’t matter. We always nail ’em). The perils of writing a blog and owning a city business. It’s like navigating the Fireswamp. I’ll let you figure out who the R.O.U.S.s are.

Okay, so let me catch you up.  The city firefighters it seems are sent to the City County building to get flu shots and when the members of one fire station showed up in their fire trucks to get their flu shots while council members were at lunch, they parked their fire trucks in spaces reserved for councilpersons, spaces marked “Special Permit Parking.”

Darlene Harris didn’t like that.

Firefighters tell KDKA’s Marty Griffin that City Council President Darlene Harris asked one truck to move and the police officer followed with her ticket book. The council president says she had nothing to do with it.

Um, ya kinda did, lady.

But anyway, the firetrucks got parking tickets and now the fire department is fighting the ticket and hoping for leniency because they were city vehicles parked in city spots and now the city is taking the city to parking court and THIS IS THE BEST SNL SKIT EVAH!

Nowhere does it say whether or not Darlene Harris had to park somewhere else. For all we know, she was in the building at the time. But let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she arrived and couldn’t park next to the building as usual.

My thought is this:

If I’m on city council and I arrive at work to find a City of Pittsburgh fire truck in my precious preciousssss parking spot that I paid for, I’m going to find another spot and I’m going to go in and find out why the truck is parked there. Maybe there was an emergency. Maybe there’s a fire. Maybe the Mayor got stuck when he tried to fit in the mail chute.

If I then find out that the city firefighters are in the building getting flu shots, I’m going to basically say something like this to myself, “These people are out there every day putting their lives on the line and while they work for the city, I work for them. And we’re having them come here to get flu shots to stay on the job and healthy, so I can loan them my parking space and sit my ass down for the five minutes it takes for them to do that because it’s not like we made it easy on them by just sending a nurse around to their stations with a bag of Flu Mists. If I’m feeling bitchy, maybe I’ll say something to them about parking elsewhere next time. What I’m not going to do is ASK THE FIREFIGHTERS TO MOVE THEIR TRUCK IMMEDIATELY. And I’m certainly not going to stand there and allow those firefighters to get a parking ticket all because it was my whiny piehole that opened up and complained in the first place.”

Shit. Whiney piehole. I just went there. CLEAN THE PLACE GOOD, HONEY!

“It’s really silly,” Ravenstahl said. “And when I was first briefed on it, I didn’t believe that it happened. I couldn’t believe that somebody would actually ticket a fire truck especially when we’re encouraging them to get a flu shot and stay healthy.”

Man, I wish I could have been the one to brief Lukey on this.

“Hizzoner dude. Sit down. You’re going to LOVE THIS.” Then I’d tell him and we’d fall down laughing and accidentally spill our juice boxes all over ourselves.

City Hall done lost its damn mind.





Random n’at

1. I’m sitting here watching WQED’s Pittsburgh From the Air (Thursday at 8! Never forget! PHG!) and I had a thought as we were flying over Kennywood.

Don’t you think Kennywood should have cameras that automatically snap pictures as people hit the double dip in the Jack Rabbit? The resulting photos of the contorted faces of terrified kiddies being popped out of their seats would win the Internet.

2. As we expected, the NHL Draft will be held in Pittsburgh next year. Expect an influx of puck bunnies unseen since ever.

I object to this headline:

Did you rejoice? Did you praise Bettman on high and fall down and weep into your hands? Did you run around your office high-fiving all of your co-workers? Did you shred paper and throw confetti at your mailman?

Or did you just go, “Oh. Cool!”

I thought so.

3. Another local paranormal investigation. Another dead end. Fuzzy pictures. Maybe some noises. Nothing too odd. Nothing conclusive.

Just once I’d like to have a paranormal team be filming and all of the sudden a very clear ghost appears out of thin air and then shouts directly into the camera, “BOO, MOTHEREFFERS!”

I would pee.

4. This year I’m co-chairing the Community Human Services Holiday Gift Card drive which aims to provide a gift card to 550 individuals living in CHS assisted housing programs. Everyone who celebrates Christmas should have a gift this year and CHS is making sure that those who would otherwise have none, receive a gift that allows them to buy what they need for themselves, with dignity.

There is a kickoff event happening in December that I’ll of course be attending and telling you more about, but first there’s a smaller event on November 3 at Hough’s. Entry is only costing you a gift card or a cash donation to enjoy auction items and fun. Details are here! My goal is to swing into this event immediately prior to the Steelers event that night. I CAN DO IT.

5. At first I thought this was a tattoo on this pregnant Steelers fan’s belly and I was like, man, that is going to look like Rainbow Brite on meth when it deflates, but it’s just body paint and I have no words anymore.

(h/t Matt)

6. Do you have a pressing question you’d like to ask Brett Keisel? Beard grooming tips? What to do when you lose a bagel in your beard? Or maybe you have football questions? He’s holding an online town hall for an hour on November 3 starting at 5:30 p.m. on Concert-Oh, which is a locally based internet company. You just need to go snag a free account and add bkeisel99 as a friend to take part!

It is also mentioned on Brett’s official page, just scroll down!

7. I forgot to include this picture in What They’re Really Thinking! There was a slutty referee at the Arizona game:

I’ll allow it.

8. Finally, Random.org chose comment #51 to win the tickets to the CASA event with Mike Wallace. The winner has been emailed. If that’s not you, you can buy tickets here!

Just don’t come dressed as a slutty referee or I’ll pretend I don’t know you.

 





Steelers merchandise gone nuts

When I first saw these boots after reader Lara sent me the link, I hated them:

It looks like an Ugg ate a Wellie and is both pooping and puking it out.

However, this picture makes me think, “These would look so cute at a tailgate!”

What do you think? OMG CUTE FOR THE TAILGATE or Ugg puking and pooping out a Wellie?

While we’re talking about Steelers merchandise, here’s a picture I snapped from a coupon circular and threw onto Twitter a few weeks ago, and then forgot to share it here with you!

Yeah, put that on your Christmas tree and Santa will be all, “MOTHER OF GOD!”

Also, pretty sure that bottom ornament is pooping in your tree.

Festive!