How do you solve a problem like milking a pigeon?

How long has it been, Internet, since we’ve talked about the pigeons?!

Too long.

I haven’t told you about all the pigeons I’ve attempted to kill, like the one I almost ran down this morning in Market Square. I thought for sure I had him lined up properly to go under my tire, but I never felt a bump or heard an angel get its wings, which is what happens when you kill a pigeon, if you didn’t know.

Dead pigeon = hosanna in the highest, is what I remember from Bible school.

I haven’t told you about the time I was about to walk into Nicholas Coffee in Market Square and as I walked into the recessed entry to the doorway, five pigeons that were loitering there, probably with their pants below their butts, smoking tiny cigarettes and talking about bitches and hoes, realized I had them cornered before I realized I had them cornered and they took off and flew around me, their wings flapping mere inches from my face. You could hear my “GOSH DARN SATANIC ASSHOLE BASTARDS!” echoing through the city.

And there’s this as sent to me by a whole bunch of you.

The headline:

A moment of silence to allow you all to properly and violently regurgitate anything you’ve eaten over the last 24-hours.

Let’s continue.

The crop is a little pouch either somewhere just off the bird’s throat or more towards the stomach. Primarily, the crop stores food before it is passed down for digestion. In some birds, it also produces a secretion that the parents regurgitate into the young bird’s mouths. The idea of drinking pigeon milk may bring a shudder to every sane and rational person in the world, but it’s actually quite nutritious.

NUTRITIOUS!?

Let’s list the things we have ever seen a pigeon eat:

1. Old french fries

2. Hamburger buns

3. Roadkill

4. VOMIT

Mmmm. Slap some flattened dead squirrel on a week-old hamburger bun and top it with three-week old french fries then smother it with some alcohol-tainted vomit and you’ve got a demented version of the Primanti’s sandwich that somehow ends up being nutritious once it’s processed through a pigeon’s body AND THEN VOMITED INTO THEIR BABIES’ MOUTHS.

So you see how it would work if this would come to pass: Humans puke. Pigeons eat the human puke. Pigeons puke up milk made from the human puke. Humans drink the pigeon milk. Humans puke …

It’s the circle of life.

IN HELL.

 





10 Comments

  1. lisa
    October 5, 2011 9:34 am

    Oh lordy, you hurt me!!! I unfortunately saw that same article, and immediately thought of you! Hell, yup, I will use that version from here on out!



  2. Beatrice
    October 5, 2011 9:35 am

    Eeeeww.



  3. Baba Wawa
    October 5, 2011 9:43 am

    i think we deserve a picture of daniel s. after that



  4. Butcher's Dog
    October 5, 2011 10:51 am

    I think we deserve a picture of some smokin’ hot woman after that. Just sayin’, Baba Wawa.



  5. Aileen
    October 5, 2011 10:51 am

    How about the feature in the Arts section NY Times a couple of weeks ago? “Portraits of Pigeons.” I kid you not.



  6. Katie
    October 5, 2011 11:06 am

    I saw a dead pigeon on the sidewalk yesterday morning and thought of you. I am pretty sure a cat killed it though.



  7. T
    October 5, 2011 11:07 am

    That’s just foul….



  8. DG
    October 5, 2011 11:10 am

    Seriously? That’s a horrible thing to do to people first thing in the morning.



  9. Dan
    October 5, 2011 11:56 am

    http://twitter.com/#!/feral_pigeon

    Check that twitter feed out – makes me think of Market Square every day!



  10. JennyMoon
    October 5, 2011 12:15 pm

    not the post to read while eating lunch. ugh.