How long has it been, Internet, since we’ve talked about the pigeons?!
I haven’t told you about all the pigeons I’ve attempted to kill, like the one I almost ran down this morning in Market Square. I thought for sure I had him lined up properly to go under my tire, but I never felt a bump or heard an angel get its wings, which is what happens when you kill a pigeon, if you didn’t know.
Dead pigeon = hosanna in the highest, is what I remember from Bible school.
I haven’t told you about the time I was about to walk into Nicholas Coffee in Market Square and as I walked into the recessed entry to the doorway, five pigeons that were loitering there, probably with their pants below their butts, smoking tiny cigarettes and talking about bitches and hoes, realized I had them cornered before I realized I had them cornered and they took off and flew around me, their wings flapping mere inches from my face. You could hear my “GOSH DARN SATANIC ASSHOLE BASTARDS!” echoing through the city.
A moment of silence to allow you all to properly and violently regurgitate anything you’ve eaten over the last 24-hours.
The crop is a little pouch either somewhere just off the bird’s throat or more towards the stomach. Primarily, the crop stores food before it is passed down for digestion. In some birds, it also produces a secretion that the parents regurgitate into the young bird’s mouths. The idea of drinking pigeon milk may bring a shudder to every sane and rational person in the world, but it’s actually quite nutritious.
Let’s list the things we have ever seen a pigeon eat:
1. Old french fries
2. Hamburger buns
Mmmm. Slap some flattened dead squirrel on a week-old hamburger bun and top it with three-week old french fries then smother it with some alcohol-tainted vomit and you’ve got a demented version of the Primanti’s sandwich that somehow ends up being nutritious once it’s processed through a pigeon’s body AND THEN VOMITED INTO THEIR BABIES’ MOUTHS.
So you see how it would work if this would come to pass: Humans puke. Pigeons eat the human puke. Pigeons puke up milk made from the human puke. Humans drink the pigeon milk. Humans puke …
It’s the circle of life.