- October 10, 2011
- filed under Ben Roethlisberger, Daniel Sepulveda, Mike Tomlin, Steelers, Troy Polamalu
I watched this game at Las Velas where my husband put me to work yesterday painting and cleaning, which, SO MUCH FUN IN A NOT FUN IN ANY FUN WAY WAY.
A picture-perfect Pittsburgh day for football. Sunny. Warm. Hopeful that we would turn things around after last week’s suckfest of sucking suck. Suck.
Let’s talk football and butt noms in non-chronological order!
1. After giving up 3,244 sacks last week, the O-line only allowed one single sack on The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross yesterday, thanks in part to Max Starks rejoining the team.
Max was never that awesome of an O-line player, but it’s amazing how much better he plays now that he’s properly motivated.
2. Hines Ward, that geriatric oldster who is younger than me, suddenly plays football again! Suddenly he’s smiling again! Suddenly he’s reminding everyone that he still exists. At one point, he got a little too cocksure (I don’t know if I used that correctly, but, damn, that’s a fantastic word) about his abilities and he did it in Donkey from Shrek fashion.
Yes, the important thing is that Hines Ward can still catch.
Also important, cocksure is a fantastic word.
3. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross deserves the additional title of Prince of Cocksure because after that performance, he can be as cocksure as he wants to be. So long as he doesn’t whip it out in public.
As I was saying, Benny did good. Five touchdowns. One interception that we will now generously neuralyze from our memories. He also did a good job of getting rid of the ball quickly when things got dire.
So selfless of The Duke, Earl, and Prince.
4. Defensively, we’re playing without our Chief of Up Effing, James Harrison, but Woodley, who again I remind you calls himself The Pharoah, which: COCKSURE, stepped in nicely with a sack and an interception.
I’m sure our opposing offensive lines are going to enjoy these few weeks’ reprieve from having the literal poop beat out of them by James Harrison, but really he’s just going to save up all of his anger and aggression, storing it like a rabid squirrel until …
5. And that’s all I want to talk about. See you next week. BYE NOW.
Let’s talk about the most important part of the game! The only part that really matters! The most orgasmic play you have ever seen! The play for the history books! The play for the Hall of Fame! THE PLAY FOR WORLD PEACE.
I’m only slightly exaggerating.
When this play happened, when Daniel faked the punt and then took off running like the most beautiful quarterback since Keanu Reeves, I audibly gasped.
My paint brush froze. A drop of paint fell to the ground with a gentle plop that might as well have been cannon fire. It echoed in my ears.
I held my breath.
My husband realized I had froze. That paint was dripping to his floor. He asked if I was having a stroke. I asked him to say “focus.’
The ball was thrown.
“Oh please, oh please,” I whispered.
Then … completion for a first down!
The Titans are stunned. Confused.
I went into football-gasm mode. Running around the restaurant while my husband dialed 911 to report my stroke.
OMG OMG OMG!!!!
HE DID IT!
HE DID IT!
HE DID IIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you have a cigarette I could borrow?