I would like to apologize in advance for anyone who takes offense to what I am about to write, but I gotta be me.
The latest in WEIRD NEWS FROM THE AMISH PEOPLE!
The attackers barge into homes and use scissors to cut the beards and hair of the victims.
Surprisingly, these Amish men were not drunk, just motivated.
Apparently, the motive was to punish people who had weak faith, and the attackers would take back hair to prove they had carried out the assaults.
This is starting to sound like an M. Night Shamalamadingdong plot.
And anyway, I’m going to hell for laughing at this story at all because apparently, it is a very big deal to the Amish when their hair gets cut, but COME ON, KDKA! Don’t make it so funny!
First, David Highfield’s expression when he talks about the rogue group gathering up the hair:
Then this shot of a beard being “terrorized” by scissors:
Then they show us the beard again only this time, the scissors are MOVING. EEK!
It kinda looks like they are at a gas station or something, and since I don’t think the Amish hang out at gas stations nor drive vehicles that run on gas, that KDKA must have driven around looking for a man with a big beard to film near some giant fabric shears.
Then KDKA shows us female hair that clearly does not belong to an Amish woman.
Then, the true horrors. Scissors. Just scissors. Opening and closing, slowly. Menacingly.
Now we’re in Stephen King territory. Then they feature the beard and the hair and the scissors again for good measure!
Thanks for making such a serious story so chuckle-worthy, KDKA!
And that’s why I continue to be going to hell despite my best efforts to be a good person. I bet you a billion bucks when I get there I’m going to find my TV has 1,000 stations and every single one of them is KDKA: Your Helltown Advantage.
P.S. The New York Daily news is no better, captioning a picture with “Sam Mullet, whose sons are accused of waging facial hair war on another Amish man.” THEN starting the article with, “You can blame these bad haircuts on the Mullets.”
P.P.S. I’d love to see the mug shots because Amish mug shots are HIGH-LARIOUS!
P.P.P.S. Pretty sure one of those is the Dwarf known as Doc.