I continue to be going to hell

I would like to apologize in advance for anyone who takes offense to what I am about to write, but I gotta be me.

The latest in WEIRD NEWS FROM THE AMISH PEOPLE!

Four Amish men have been arrested, charged in one of four bizarre attacks on other Amish people.

The attackers barge into homes and use scissors to cut the beards and hair of the victims.

Surprisingly, these Amish men were not drunk, just motivated.

Apparently, the motive was to punish people who had weak faith, and the attackers would take back hair to prove they had carried out the assaults.

This is starting to sound like an M. Night Shamalamadingdong plot.

And anyway, I’m going to hell for laughing at this story at all because apparently, it is a very big deal to the Amish when their hair gets cut, but COME ON, KDKA! Don’t make it so funny!

First, David Highfield’s expression when he talks about the rogue group gathering up the hair:

Hee.

Then this shot of a beard being “terrorized” by scissors:

HAH!

Then they show us the beard again only this time, the scissors are MOVING. EEK!

It kinda looks like they are at a gas station or something, and since I don’t think the Amish hang out at gas stations nor drive vehicles that run on gas, that KDKA must have driven around looking for a man with a big beard to film near some giant fabric shears.

HILARIOUS.

Then KDKA shows us female hair that clearly does not belong to an Amish woman.

Then, the true horrors. Scissors. Just scissors. Opening and closing, slowly. Menacingly.

 

Now we’re in Stephen King territory. Then they feature the beard and the hair and the scissors again for good measure!

Thanks for making such a serious story so chuckle-worthy, KDKA!

And that’s why I continue to be going to hell despite my best efforts to be a good person. I bet you a billion bucks when I get there I’m going to find my TV has 1,000 stations and every single one of them is KDKA: Your Helltown Advantage.

P.S. The New York Daily news is no better, captioning a picture with “Sam Mullet, whose sons are accused of waging facial hair war on another Amish man.” THEN starting the article with, “You can blame these bad haircuts on the Mullets.”

P.P.S. I’d love to see the mug shots because Amish mug shots are HIGH-LARIOUS!

P.P.P.S. Pretty sure one of those is the Dwarf known as Doc.

 





27 Comments

  1. Cassie
    October 11, 2011 3:48 pm

    I’ll bring the ice, Ginny.



  2. DG
    October 11, 2011 4:00 pm

    The only good news is, you probably don’t have a lot of Amish readers.



  3. inBrookline
    October 11, 2011 4:00 pm

    Another great band name?

    The Amish Mug Shots



  4. Sooska
    October 11, 2011 4:09 pm

    Brett Keisel’s Beard has gone on strike in solidarity with the shaven beards and the threats of further scissors action.



  5. cmd_45
    October 11, 2011 4:12 pm

    I think I saw Dwight Schrute’s brother, Mose in that lineup!



  6. L-A
    October 11, 2011 4:21 pm

    I call him M. Night Shamalamadingdong, too!



  7. BroJack
    October 11, 2011 4:46 pm

    V,

    I’ll be there with you, looking for Mojitos!! :-)

    http://modifiedliving.com/amishporn.htm



  8. bluzdude
    October 11, 2011 4:53 pm

    I think I saw the guy in the upper right in Lord of the Rings. They clearly didn’t want to do that guy any favors when framing the shot. The guy in the lower left is just as tall, but the pic is framed differently.



  9. CarolineFB
    October 11, 2011 5:46 pm

    Amish on Amish crime. Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.



  10. k
    October 11, 2011 6:04 pm

    they kind of look like the half faun half man character james mcavoy played in chronicles of narnia mr. tumnus.



  11. Monty
    October 11, 2011 6:25 pm

    All 8 of them were arrested for coming after me Lucky Charms.



  12. Rachel
    October 11, 2011 6:39 pm

    If you’re going to Hell even with all the good you do for sick kids, then we’re all in trouble



  13. Noelle
    October 11, 2011 9:05 pm

    CarolineFB, I’ve never wanted to “like” a comment more then yours.



  14. Rich D
    October 11, 2011 11:55 pm

    Did anyone else notice that most of the men in the mugshots were shorter than average? Are Amish men all short or just the Mennonite Mafia?



  15. empirechick
    October 12, 2011 12:17 am

    @Noelle (and CarolineFB): 10000% agree!! Seriously, ‘Amish on Amish crime’?? That is win thru and thru.

    Attention bloggerland: Though FB is the devil in many areas, ‘liking’ (or google +1) is the easiest way for people to express their agreement of a comment. Let’s do that!!



  16. Cnik
    October 12, 2011 6:36 am

    Next we’ll be seeing Amish drive-by shootings. Grab the horses and the muskets!



  17. AiXeLsyD13
    October 12, 2011 9:46 am

    Woah. Amish mug shots. Are they going to hell for allowing graven images of themselves?

    Dude in the bottom left is NOT amused.

    The beard up top… is that Joel form the 31st Street Pub? Ha ha.



  18. Matt
    October 12, 2011 10:53 am

    You and KDKA can make fun of it all you want. It’s not like any Amish are going to see it.



  19. AngryMongo
    October 12, 2011 11:53 am

    Amish version of Jackass.



  20. Guido
    October 12, 2011 12:07 pm

    Relax – I’m going to hell for the same thing. BTW, this is my hometown! I’ve been gone for 17 years and if someone had told me then it would turn into Amish Gangland I’d have laughed my ass off. Wait… I am!!



  21. bucdaddy
    October 12, 2011 1:25 pm

    I can’t be the only one who sees the scissors and hears in his head the shark music from “Jaws.”



  22. AiXeLsyD13
    October 12, 2011 1:27 pm

    @bucdaddy That’s hilarious!



  23. Butcher's Dog
    October 12, 2011 2:26 pm

    Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a beard.



  24. Pingback: Amish on Amish crime. | World (and Lunar) Domination

  25. WIMom
    October 13, 2011 8:25 am

    Looking at those pictures, it is pretty obvious that the family tree grows straight upwards- they all look very much alike.



  26. lovesnorthside
    October 13, 2011 9:44 am

    “blame it on the mullets” is a kickass band name, no?



  27. unsatisfied
    October 13, 2011 1:23 pm

    why do these mug shots remind me of “kingpin”?