Parenting 101: How to create abandonment issues in your child

Let’s have some Parenting 101 here as I’m about to drop some knowledge up in this piece [throws signs]:

1. If your seven-year-old misbehaves at school, taking him to a parking lot of a Taco Bell and leaving him standing there crying and screaming while you drive away after telling him he can “go find another family,” will probably only result in police charges, a still misbehaving son with all new and improved separation anxiety and abandonment issues.

2. If you choose to leave your seven-year-old son screaming in a Taco Bell parking lot while you drive away after telling him to go find another family because you’re trying to teach him a lesson, whatever you do, DO NOT SPEAK TO THE LOCAL MEDIA ABOUT IT because we the people will write about you in our blogs and even chuckle a little bit that you thought it was okay to calmly tell a television reporter that you told YOUR SON TO GO FIND ANOTHER FAMILY in the same tone of voice that you would tell a reporter about a nice way to make applesauce.

3. If you choose to speak to reporters after admitting you left your child in a Taco Bell parking lot to teach him a lesson, do not then lie your face off and say the kid was laughing because there is not a seven-year-old on the planet who finds this funny. This weekend at the Science Center, a ten-year-oldish girl came into the gift shop where I was, screaming and crying her head off all, “MOMMY!” I had never seen anything like it. She was frantic. Running as fast as she could with tears streaming down her face, through the store and back out, screaming MOMMY!?!? until I managed to stop her and calm her for a second before an employee took her away to find her mother. KIDS ARE TERRIFIED OF BEING ABANDONED. They do not know, in any way, shape, or form, that you will never leave them, no matter what you say or how often you reassure them. They always fear the abandonment. Actually allowing a child to realize that fear is just begging for emotional issues.

4. Chalupas are delicious.

5. Ari Hait is a peanut.

6. This lady did wrong.

Knowledge. Dropped.





21 Comments

  1. SpudMom
    October 19, 2011 12:58 pm

    HOLY. SHITBALLS.

    Oh that poor kid.



  2. Chris P
    October 19, 2011 1:11 pm

    While we’re talking about Parent’s of the Year:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4km5eDfIkA&feature=share



  3. bluzdude
    October 19, 2011 1:17 pm

    Many moons ago, my buddy’s young son (younger than the boy in this story) took a swing at his mother. When my buddy got home, he made the boy pack all his things into a suitcase and told him a boy that swings at his mother couldn’t live there any more. He even went so far as to get him into the car and begin “driving to the police station,” where he would have to stay.

    Obviously, they turned around before getting to the police station. That may be right and it may be wrong, but that kid never raised his hand to his mother again.



  4. Sue
    October 19, 2011 1:33 pm

    Comment on item #6 – That’s Church!



  5. spoon
    October 19, 2011 1:34 pm

    When duct tape and tasers don’t work, leave them at a taco bell.



  6. Butcher's Dog
    October 19, 2011 1:46 pm

    Could have been worse. She could have fed him at Taco Bell and indicated that was where all his meals were coming from in the future. Just sayin’.

    Didn’t really have to teach 37 years to realize some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Price of living in a free country, I guess.



  7. Carpetbagger
    October 19, 2011 1:56 pm

    I have separation anxiety from the Taco Bell chihuahua. Bring him back!



  8. Leslie in Dayton
    October 19, 2011 2:06 pm

    My son got lost for about 10 minutes in our Science Museum when he was 4 or 5. He’s 13 and still remembers it vividly. I’m glad she was charged. Awful.



  9. Too ashamed to post my name
    October 19, 2011 2:46 pm

    It was my 8th birthday. My dad took me to a swimming pool to go swimming. I’m a lousy swimmer, and he wanted me to get in deeper water and practice, or something. I didn’t want to, because I just plain suck at swimming, so I got out and sat by the ledge.

    He got mad and left me there. ON MY BIRTHDAY.

    My mom came and picked me up.

    What the hell was wrong with him?



  10. MizzPenz
    October 19, 2011 2:53 pm

    First of all, this woman in an idiot. We have all had moments as parents where we think irrationally, but come to our senses. Trust this: That child will NEVER let her forget what she did to him.

    Sorry, have to share the following:
    A long time ago (back in the 70’s), my girlfriend’s son got lost at the mall. She was frantic and went to customer service at Lord and Taylor and told them to contact mall security to see if anyone had found him. About five minutes later, over the loudspeaker in the mall, she hears the following: “Will the mother of OJ Simpson, please report to the security office”

    No lie, this kid’s hero was OJ Simpson and refused to be called anything else at the time.

    Still makes me laugh to this day.



  11. Cassie
    October 19, 2011 2:54 pm

    My oldest kid can remember back when she was 18 months old and I tripped and fell down the stairs and yelled “Damnit” at the bottom.

    She repeats it to me often. Except she censors me.

    Kids don’t forget shit.



  12. Noelle
    October 19, 2011 3:12 pm

    I have forgotten everything save for getting paddled for talking during show and tell in the 2nd grade. Apparently humiliation is my hot button.



  13. AngryMongo
    October 19, 2011 3:43 pm

    My kid remembers the time at Walmart when I broke her arm…which I didn’t.. but she tells people that.



  14. HappyBurghTroll
    October 19, 2011 4:36 pm

    My Mom used to lose us On Purpose in Hills so she could use the Lay-Away for the stuff from Santa. We went to the front desk and called for her every time!



  15. Mimi
    October 19, 2011 4:37 pm

    Apropos of nothing, and I realize that this is linking off of a serious subject…but I just came across this and wanted to share: World Nutella Day, February 5, 2012. http://www.nutelladay.com.



  16. bucdaddy
    October 20, 2011 1:45 am

    I have a vague memory of being maybe 5 or 6 and getting separated from my grandparents in the old J.C. Penney in Great Southern Shopping Center in Bridgeville. IIRC, I went to the front of the store by the doors and waited for them to show up, figuring that was the only way out and they had to leave sometime.



  17. TripleC
    October 20, 2011 8:32 am

    Further proof that stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to screw.



  18. Burgh Bird
    October 20, 2011 10:09 am

    HappyBurghTroll- My sister and I also had my mom paged in Hills. She was sooooo ticked!

    Bucdaddy- Very smart. And thank you for the reminder of a place no longer there that I still miss….

    I used to hide inside the clothing racks all the time when we were shopping with mom and grandma…they got so mad…



  19. red pen mama
    October 20, 2011 11:05 am

    My second daughter regularly threatens to go find another family to live with. It sends her big sister into a sobbing frenzy. Me, not so much. OTOH, she (2nd daughter) is attached to me, follows me from room to room, and sleeps in my bed when she has a bad dream, so it’s hard to take her seriously.

    I understand frustrating parenting moments, but this lady is doing it wrong. :(



  20. Butcher's Dog
    October 20, 2011 11:33 am

    @TripleC: I’m holding out for the scientific breakthrough that makes birth control retroactive.