Where’d you get those peepers?

October 2011 006

(Mindy Heisler’s Horror Cupcakes)

There are two movies that truly freaked me out, wait, no, three.

Three movies that have truly freaked me out and affected my behavior.

1. Signs. You recall that for two months I couldn’t look into the screen of a turned-off TV because I knew I would see the creature in there.

2. The Blair Witch Project: I sometimes go into my basement and think, “What will you do if you see someone down here standing with their face to the wall?”

3. Jeepers Creepers: Shit. That movie. To this day, sometimes when I’m driving a dark road at night, or a see a cornfield, I freak myself out enough that the monster is running alongside my car sizing up my delicious eyeballs.

So you understand why this thing freaked me out last night at Crazy Scary:

October 2011 002

(all photos courtesy of Michelle/Burgh Baby)

The murderous bunny is a ray of golden sunshine compared to this thing. This zombie followed me around moaning my name and begging me for a hug and yes, I know it’s fake, but that doesn’t help when you’re standing around chatting with folks and suddenly there’s something breathing on your neck and you turn around and JEEPERS MOTHEREFFING CREEPERS!

I won’t even tell you how it came to pass that I ended up rubbing my hands all over his face. [shudder]

Crazy Scary was a great success!

Highlights:

1. Scott Harbaugh and Tall Cathy had to be blindfolded and guess what was in a box after feeling it for a minute. Tall Cathy said, “I know what is in the box” in the same tone of voice one would say, “I DON’T WANT TO DIEEEEE!” It was a Huggabunch.  A naked Huggabunch with dead eyes, which is apparently Tall Cathy’s worst nightmare. She guessed right. Scott Harbaugh loses and has to eat some disgusting fishy smelling thing with little mealworms or tiny dead fish in it. VOMIT.

2. I went through the Scarehouse and I only screamed 3,490 times. So, progress! A reader I had never met before was in front of me and I almost pulled all of her hair out in fright. Pro tip: Don’t be the last in your group. You will be followed by screaming, moaning things. Also, I should have taken their picture, but the two readers who were in my group had painted on black eyes and t-shirts with a giant P on the front. THE BLACK-EYED PEAS!!!!!  Brizzilliant. Worth the excessive exclamatory punctuation. It’s no slutty turtle, but still good.

3. Michelle tried to make me speak into the microphone, but I can’t do public speaking on account of my inner ear thing, so Scott Harbaugh stepped in and did a wonderful job greeting the crowd. He also mentioned something about snow next week. Dear God he better have been kidding. I will punch a salt truck.

4. Here’s me and Michelle standing in front of ourselves on the Primanti’s Wall:

October 2011 013

See that foot? That is a dead or dying guy or zombie laying gutted on the Primanti’s counter with his intestines hanging out. He kicked me in the boob as soon as that picture was taken. True story. Asshole.

5. I need a haircut. Gotta call my girl.

6. My purple sweater? $14 at Marshalls. [throws pennies and makes it rain in here]

7. Here’s Mikey and Big Bob and Cathy:

October 2011 015
Bob’s ears > Casey Hampton’s bellybutton.

8. Michelle and I had 30 seconds to raise as much cash as possible from the room and whoever lost had to eat something awful. I had 28 dollars and I thought for sure I was going to win and I seriously planned to scream BOOYAH in her smug face.

She had $73.

PEOPLE WANT TO SEE ME SUFFER.

I ate some weird brown “candy” that looked like chunks of poop and since I’ve once accidentally tasted my baby’s poop (don’t ask), I can tell you it ALSO TASTED LIKE POOP. Awful taste that I couldn’t get out of my mouth no matter how much beer I drank. I was told afterwards that it is a candy from Japan. WTF is wrong with Japan? God. Call it “SUPER HAPPY CANDY SEXY FUN TIME” and they’ll eat anything.

9. I have to thank Margee Kerr, Scott Simmons, Barb Simmons and Dad Simmons of the Scarehouse for their amazing generosity and wonderful planning of last night’s event. And Laura Kelly for doing what she does: everything, awesome. And Scott and Tall Cathy and Rob Johnston for their good humor and help. And Mindy for baking and everyone who donated items for raffle and to Clique Vodka and Spaghetti Warehouse. And to every single one of you who came and donated. I will let you know soon how much we raised for the kids!

GROUP HUG! Except for you Jeepers Creepers Zombie. Back away from my eyeballs.

P.S. Before you comment about what a big baby I am to be scared by movies, who among you hasn’t at least once in your adult life pulled your hand in from hanging over the bed at night on account of, you know, the sharks?





13 Comments

  1. Summer
    October 20, 2011 10:58 am

    We tell all the new reporters not to go down to the pressroom at night, because one of the pressmen got caught in the press and haunts that place. No idea if it’s an urban legend or something someone started to mess with the newbies, but that place is creepy in the middle of the day, let alone at night.



  2. bluzdude
    October 20, 2011 11:07 am

    Sharks? Don’t be silly. Everybody knows that it’s alligators that live under your bed. They fit perfectly. I always suspected they fed on dust bunnies.



  3. red pen mama
    October 20, 2011 11:14 am

    This is such a great event, and I’m going to make it there one of these days. Dammit. Although I won’t go through the Scarehouse. Sorry. And the bunny is WAY, WAY scarier than the zombie. Have you seen Donnie Darko?

    Don’t.

    One of these days, I’ll post about Stephen King and his short story The Bogeyman, and why TO THIS DAY I can’t sleep if a closet is open.

    Also: those cupcakes look delicious, pretend severed body parts notwithstanding.



  4. bucdaddy
    October 20, 2011 11:15 am

    “I know what is in the box”

    Gwyneth Paltrow’s head?



  5. gunnlino
    October 20, 2011 11:22 am

    Not sharks , the THING under the bed .



  6. Butcher's Dog
    October 20, 2011 11:38 am

    If the kicked boob requires rubbing and/or caressing to bring it back to perfect health, I’m available most afternoons. Just sayin’.



  7. WIMom
    October 20, 2011 12:59 pm

    Not sharks, it is a giant snake that will swallow your arm whole. Everyone knows that.



  8. TracyinSC
    October 20, 2011 1:24 pm

    Snakes. I had that 70’s green shag carpet and under the dim bulb of my night light, it looked like a carpet of slithering snakes.



  9. Margaret
    October 20, 2011 2:40 pm

    I’m not sure if I’m comforted or not knowing that I’m not the only one who has pulled my hanging arm or leg back onto the bed EVEN THOUGH I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! Right? RIGHT??



  10. Burgh Bird
    October 20, 2011 3:41 pm

    My mom never liked to stretch her feet out to the bottom of the bed for fear of snakes….



  11. tehamy
    October 20, 2011 3:49 pm

    I kept meaning to ask where you got your sweater! I’m totally headed to Marshalls to see if I can find one.

    PS The zombies aren’t scary. Of course when someone *ahem* pushes you into a hug with said zombie you tend to not really be scared of them.



  12. Jonathan
    October 22, 2011 8:20 am

    When you throw pennies it’s called making it hail, strippers tend to be dramatically less impressed.



  13. Gina
    October 24, 2011 12:07 pm

    I loved that sweater. I have an almost identical one from Gabe’s in blue.

    And I have never pulled my hand from hanging over the side of the bed because of sharks. I do it because of the alligators. True story.