The Colts lost to the Saints by a score of 62-7. We beat the Colts in September by three points. Using math and ratios and pi and the square root of an oval, and other shit I am very smarty pants at, I have determined that if we played the Saints, we would lose by 94 points. THAT is why we need to fear the Patriots.
Sunday was my husband’s birthday during which we gifted him with a new pair of Puma sneakers and a Spanish Terrible Towel.
Don’t tell him, but tonight I absentmindedly dried some dishes with it. I’m pretty sure that means those plates are holy ground now.
Let’s talk football:
1. Poor Ken Whisenhunt, who I still love super hard by the way, was coming into the game with a 1-4 record and four straight losses and was doing everything in his power to help his team prior to the start of the game against his old team:
Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the Pirates. I mean, have we TRIED an exorcism yet?I don’t think we have. I’ll round up the players and you round up ALL the priests. We’re gonna need ’em.
2. Everything seemed to be going wrong for Arizona prior to the game. Even their tailgating was a bit off:
I have seen a lot in my life, but I have never seen a woman turn a blender on with her bajingo.
Self-awareness. He needs some.
3. This win sits on The Duke of Fug and The Earl of Gross’s shoulders. Touchdown after touchdown and first down after first down, the Prince of Cocksure (isn’t that what I princed him as last time? He has too damn many thrones, I’m losing track. Also, I’m running out of titles. I might have to use Thane next.), proved why his name deserves to be uttered with the likes of Tom Brady [throws salt over shoulder and stabs a pigeon] and Peyton Manning.
4. This win can also be attributed to the Duke spreading the pass love around to everyone because all the wide receivers had big games, except for Hines Ward who was carted off the field after he broke his hip diving for a Werthers. LOL. Can I beat an elderly dead horse or WHAT?!
Remember when Mike Wallace was just that guy with the Hershey Kiss on his head and Antonio Brown was that dude no one knew who caught that ball to his helmet as he raced down the sideline last year?
A lot can change in a year because now Antonio Brown is the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger version of Mike Wallace’s Double Bacon Deluxe and Hines Ward’s can of Ensure. [kicks the dead horse]
5. Ben overthrew Mike Wallace twice that I saw yesterday, but I don’t think it was because Mike wasn’t running fast enough. I think Mike was intentionally not running as fast as he could so he wouldn’t accidentally outrun the ball. Because when he runs full speed, like he did to outrun the defenders to get the 95-yard touchdown? He was shedding matter.
And there’s pretty much only one thing you can do when you see that Ben has thrown long to Mike Wallace:
And God laughed.
6. One of my favorite parts of yesterday’s game was during the penalty-riddled first half when Ike Taylor had two consecutive dumbass penalties causing Mike Tomlin to forcefully poke his own head repeatedly with his pointer finger, doing the “USE YOUR BRAIN” gesture so hard on his noggin he could get reimbursed for hail damage. Bravo, coach.
7. Lamarr Woodley calls himself the Pharoah and that is pretentious, but after his monster game yesterday, I have no problem with it.
I bow down to the Pharoah.
I don’t know how it came to pass that Lamarr Woodley was completely uncovered in an endzone pass situation, but I’d like to buy their offensive coordinator a steak.
8. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to play the sad trombone for this guy:
The amount of black and gold in that stadium was equal parts stunning and hilarious.
9. Mendenhall is broken again. Did we get a warranty on that guy?
10. It was nice to watch a game where we didn’t fall apart in the second half, where by the middle of the fourth, the players weren’t desperate on the sidelines and could instead just relax and help a coach with Words with Friends:
If I had the space in the picture, Ben would be thinking, “Or he could use the T and spell turkey. See T-E-R-K-Y.”
11. This game was fun. This game really makes the football world pay attention to Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown. This game is just what we needed to lead us into next week when we play the Patriots.
[crosses self, stabs the Tom Brady voodoo doll in the nuts and burns it in effigy, throws a dart at the Belichick picture hanging on the wall, tosses an extra scrotum of monkey into the hex brew, vomits into a man-Ugg, Googles “juju curses”–]
HEY! Why am I doing all the work here?! Get busy!