What They’re Really Thinking: Su casa edition

 

The Colts lost to the Saints by a score of 62-7. We beat the Colts in September by three points. Using math and ratios and pi and the square root of an oval, and other shit I am very smarty pants at, I have determined that if we played the Saints, we would lose by 94 points. THAT is why we need to fear the Patriots.

Sunday was my husband’s birthday during which we gifted him with a new pair of Puma sneakers and a Spanish Terrible Towel.

Don’t tell him, but tonight I absentmindedly dried some dishes with it. I’m pretty sure that means those plates are holy ground now.

Let’s talk football:

1. Poor Ken Whisenhunt, who I still love super hard by the way, was coming into the game with a 1-4 record and four straight losses and was doing everything in his power to help his team prior to the start of the game against his old team:

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the Pirates. I mean, have we TRIED an exorcism yet?I don’t think we have. I’ll round up the players and you round up ALL the priests. We’re gonna need ’em.

2.  Everything seemed to be going wrong for Arizona prior to the game. Even their tailgating was a bit off:

I have seen a lot in my life, but I have never seen a woman turn a blender on with her bajingo.

Self-awareness. He needs some.

3. This win sits on The Duke of Fug and The Earl of Gross’s shoulders. Touchdown after touchdown and first down after first down, the Prince of Cocksure (isn’t that what I princed him as last time? He has too damn many thrones, I’m losing track. Also, I’m running out of titles. I might have to use Thane next.), proved why his name deserves to be uttered with the likes of Tom Brady [throws salt over shoulder and stabs a pigeon] and Peyton Manning.

4. This win can also be attributed to the Duke spreading the pass love around to everyone because all the wide receivers had big games, except for Hines Ward who was carted off the field after he broke his hip diving for a Werthers. LOL. Can I beat an elderly dead horse or WHAT?!

Remember when Mike Wallace was just that guy with the Hershey Kiss on his head and Antonio Brown was that dude no one knew who caught that ball to his helmet as he raced down the sideline last year?

A lot can change in a year because now Antonio Brown is the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger version of Mike Wallace’s Double Bacon Deluxe and Hines Ward’s can of Ensure. [kicks the dead horse]

5. Ben overthrew Mike Wallace twice that I saw yesterday, but I don’t think it was because Mike wasn’t running fast enough. I think Mike was intentionally not running as fast as he could so he wouldn’t accidentally outrun the ball. Because when he runs full speed, like he did to outrun the defenders to get the 95-yard touchdown? He was shedding matter.

And there’s pretty much only one thing you can do when you see that Ben has thrown long to Mike Wallace:

And God laughed.

6. One of my favorite parts of yesterday’s game was during the penalty-riddled first half when Ike Taylor had two consecutive dumbass penalties causing Mike Tomlin to forcefully poke his own head repeatedly with his pointer finger, doing the “USE YOUR BRAIN” gesture so hard on his noggin he could get reimbursed for hail damage. Bravo, coach.

7. Lamarr Woodley calls himself the Pharoah and that is pretentious, but after his monster game yesterday, I have no problem with it.

I bow down to the Pharoah.

 

I don’t know how it came to pass that Lamarr Woodley was completely uncovered in an endzone pass situation, but I’d like to buy their offensive coordinator a steak.

8. We interrupt this What They’re Really Thinking to play the sad trombone for this guy:

Wah-wah-wahhhhhhh.

The amount of black and gold in that stadium was equal parts stunning and hilarious.

9. Mendenhall is broken again. Did we get a warranty on that guy?

10. It was nice to watch a game where we didn’t fall apart in the second half, where by the middle of the fourth, the players weren’t desperate on the sidelines and could instead just relax and help a coach with Words with Friends:

If I had the space in the picture, Ben would be thinking, “Or he could use the T and spell turkey. See T-E-R-K-Y.”

11. This game was fun. This game really makes the football world pay attention to Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown. This game is just what we needed to lead us into next week when we play the Patriots.

[crosses self, stabs the Tom Brady voodoo doll in the nuts and burns it in effigy, throws a dart at the Belichick picture hanging on the wall, tosses an extra scrotum of monkey into the hex brew, vomits into a man-Ugg, Googles “juju curses”–]

HEY! Why am I doing all the work here?! Get busy!





19 Comments

  1. Pittsburgh Tom
    October 24, 2011 10:11 pm

    I was at the Steelers/Cardinals game in Arizona 4 years ago and, despite them giving away free white towels to everybody at the game, there were at least as many yellow terrible towels being waved during the game. Penguins/Coyotes games are just as bad. Arizona is definitely Pittsburgh West.



  2. tw
    October 24, 2011 10:48 pm

    “Terky” … I just spit out some of my beer Ginny! LOL



  3. Suzie-Q
    October 24, 2011 10:53 pm

    I do believe Brady should be Fraidy of them Steelerz….



  4. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    October 24, 2011 11:08 pm

    @Pittsburgh Tom beat me to it. I was at that same game and it was amazing to see all of the black and gold. The cool thing was that the Cards parking folks basically shuttled all of the Steelers cars into the same parking lots/areas. I was with two friends and we ended up tailgating with a bunch fans from Mexico and Alaska.



  5. unsatisfied
    October 24, 2011 11:12 pm

    …..and, the verizon center in DC is pittsburgh east.



  6. HorseShoeBend
    October 25, 2011 12:25 am

    No mention of Aaron Smith? WTF? A toast I propose to one of the greatest Steelers of all time!



  7. Moxie Bestos
    October 25, 2011 8:42 am

    Su casa es mi casa in 1997 as well. I was there in Sun Devil Stadium right after Thanksgiving that year. Jerome Bettis rushed for the winning touchdown in overtime. At least 65% of the crowd were Steelers fans at the beginning of the game. I swear the number rose as the game went on. It was awesome.



  8. Erin
    October 25, 2011 8:53 am

    Love the “home game” sign! Also, I love the Whiz with a passion, too.



  9. T
    October 25, 2011 9:05 am

    “proved why his name deserves to be uttered with the likes of Tom Brady [throws salt over shoulder and stabs a pigeon] and Peyton Manning.” = By far my favorite line!

    No love for Heath Miller though? He is seriously underrated and had a hell of a game.



  10. Jim W
    October 25, 2011 9:26 am

    There are a lot of miserable Cardinal fans in that first picture. It’s akin to the Pirates/Phillies game I attended this past Summer, only the red to black and gold ratio is inverse. I remember thinking. . . wtf are these assholes doing in our seats??

    That’s every away game for the Steelers. Gotta love it.



  11. DG
    October 25, 2011 9:39 am

    While I agree that Ben had a FANTASTIC game and will gladly second any and all new titles you bestow upon him, let’s not forget that the only reason he had time to be that great was that the O-line showed up and played. Kudos to those guys. Fantastic effort. Let’s do it again Sunday afternoon.



  12. bluzdude
    October 25, 2011 9:50 am

    The problem with other teams giving away towels at the game is that the fans are not well-versed in the twirling arts. They tend to smack themselves in the face and wrap the towels around their heads.

    I’ll be cooking up some extra special game jersey mojo for the Pats game.



  13. Beth
    October 25, 2011 9:54 am

    I’m using a standee and beef jerky to train my pit bull to bite Tom Brady’s balls. Will that help?



  14. Aileen
    October 25, 2011 10:00 am

    How many times were they going to show Larry Fitzgerald’s face during that game? Larry looked like he was in a state of stunned-ness. Like he hadn’t recovered from that TD catch by Santonio in the Super Bowl.

    Not only did we win on Sunday, but the Jacksonville Jagwires beat the filthy old Dirty Birds last night. Flacco was flaccid.



  15. facie
    October 25, 2011 10:10 am

    I kind of want to give that AZ fan a hug.

    I keep thinking back to 2004, I think it was, when the Steelers beat the Pats on Halloween. It could happen again, though I am not feeling it (yet). Until then, I am going to hold on to this win and the Ravens loss and call it a good week.



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  17. Butcher's Dog
    October 25, 2011 1:16 pm

    You have a Belichick picture on the wall? And Dartboard isn’t specified? ‘Splain yourself, Lucy.

    Not drinking beer, but I too loved the terky spelling. I’m thinking Benny needs to start gettin’ some love here pretty soon, though. Still no mention of playing while wearing the wedding ring.



  18. gunnlino
    October 25, 2011 3:34 pm

    ‘Burghers REPRESENT !
    ( and a whole bunch of are not from the Burgh , can’t be, there’s too many of us still here )
    Ya gotta love the copying of Myrons Towel ( bless him ) The other rags other teams ( think brown in Cleveland ) are the most sincere form of envy .
    B.D. I don’t get the taped up ring thing either or that some wag like Madden hasn’t made a big deal about it .



  19. Vivian
    October 27, 2011 1:22 pm

    Love the first pic.