What They’re Really Thinking: NSFW? Edition

Yes, Pittsburgh. I attended yesterday’s game, the first game I’ve gone to in a while on account of I’m a baby about being cold. I’m already cold in general as I’m one of those people who is most comfortable when it’s a hazy, hot, humid 99 degrees outside, so sitting outside in the freezing Pittsburgh winter for four hours isn’t really my idea of fun.

I prefer to sit on my couch with my family around me where I can jump up and down and swear and high-five my father and then apologize for the swearing and then swear some more.

But the opportunity to be in the same stadium as Tom Brady and to evil eye him until I got a migraine? To hex him with words I learned in MacBeth? To stab the huevos of his voodoo doll while I have mine eyes upon him? WORTH THE SHIVERS. My hate for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick is beyond biblical. They’d need to add an amendment after Revelations to cover this kind of hate.

I bundled up and I marched to Heinz Field, stopped briefly at the tailgate where the Mexicans, including my husband, were warm with tequila (TEQUILA! Let’s do a shot every time I write “tequila.” TEQUILA!), met Janelle Hall for a hot minute (She is super fine. Holy moly. Gorgeous. I told her so. Then I told her to step off Daniel Sepulveda. Just in case.) and headed into the stadium to get to work on Tom Brady as my pre-stated goal was to have him growing a nipple on his forehead by the fourth quarter.

When asked about my promise at the pregame presser, Tom was his usual douchy self:

They tried to ask Bill Belichick about it, but he was mum:

Let’s talk football and satisfying wins!

1. Heath Miller had a ridiculously monster first quarter, with what seemed like five catches in the first drive alone. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Again and again. He is Chewbacca; hear him ARRRRRRAAA.

2. The entire first quarter and much of the second quarter was just beautiful football and it felt so good to be out in front of the hated Patriots early. And they are HATED. I have never heard so many insults thrown at one person as were thrown at Bill Belichick throughout the entire game.

I tweeted this yesterday, but there was a man sitting behind me and he looked like your dad. Gray hair. Early 60s. Wedding ring. Not even a HINT of yinzer in him. Looked like a business man wearing dockers and a jacket. Very distinguished. At one point when Belichick was arguing a call, screaming on the sidelines at the ref, this man stood up and yelled at the top of his completely sober lungs: “Belichick! You son of a bitch! You’re a piece of shit! I hate you, ya cheating mother*@^#er!”

And I laughed. And I wanted to hug that dad.

And that’s how it went the whole game. Constant trash talking toward Belichick:

And I know what the Pats fans will say. “Stay classy, Pittsburgh.”

You know what’s not classy? Cheating.

Bazinga.

3. I did love watching Troysus on two particular tackles. The one of Wes Welker when Troysus knocked him into 2012, to which the dad behind me screamed, “YOU STAY DOWN! YOU STAY DOWN, WELKER!”

And the tackle where he rode Gronkowski like he was comin’ ’round the mountain.

Clearly my hex was working.

4. The thing I could not hex was the Patriots’ O-line because other than the few times we got to him, Tom Brady was rarely hurried and at one point, he just stood as still as a statue in the pocket, waiting for a receiver to get open. He almost always had all day to throw the ball. That pissed me off so bad. I hexed harder.

5. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross had a stellar game, didn’t buckle under pressure other than that pesky interception that made me all “SON OF A BITCH,” and generally just controlled a great portion of the game and the clock.  He is doing his best to make me not hate him.

Because if we lost to the Patriots at a game I attended due to a Benny interception? They’d have to amend the Bible AFTER the Tom Brady Book of Hate.

Oh, wait! I forgot about that one 3rd and 3, I think it was, pass to GOD KNOWS WHO IN THE ENDZONE. Maybe Casper? Maybe a fan in the stands? Giving the Patriots the ball and a small glimmer of hope to win the game.

That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Luckily it was hot chocolate.

6. Hines who?

[ducks]

Nine receivers had catches and Antonio Brown was all over the place. So, really, Hines who?

[ducks] [pops up and throws rotten eggs]

7. I did not get to see Daniel Sepulveda punt until the very very last seconds of the game. Yay for the Steelers that they didn’t need him. But BOO FREAKING HOO FOR ME.

8. Suisham is making me all nervous anymore, you guys. First with the wonky kickand then I knew he was going to miss the 42-yarder.

I said it to my husband. “He is going to miss this.”

My husband said, “There’s no wind. He’s got this.”

I said, “He’s going to miss it. I can’t watch.” I covered my eyes.

He said, “Oh. He missed it.”

I said, “Scream ‘focus, Suisham’ for me.”

It’s a miracle my real husband puts up with me.

Also, if we lost this game by three points or less, they would have had to just write a new bible all about hate, rage, smiting, and forehead nipples.

9. The last few minutes of the game, when it looked like we would win, but that there was still a chance Tom could pull a victory out with one nice long pass, I was shivering and it wasn’t because I was cold. It was stress. Pure stress and the exertion of hexing. All of my muscles were tight and aching. My stomach was roiling at the prospect, however small, of leaving the stadium with a loss and no nipple on Tom Brady’s forehead.

Then Brett Keisel performed a miracle and Troysus saw the miracle and he punched that miracle into the endzone.  Ziggy Hood ran down the miracle, scooped it into his arms, and SAFE-TYYYYYYYYYY!

CHAOS IN THE STADIUM! The dad behind me was screaming “YES, YES, YES, YOU MOTHERF*#@ERS!”

I was jumping up and down and hugging my real husband for joy. Not just joy that we won. But joy that it was the hated Patriots we beat. The demons were slayed. Good killed evil. And most importantly, the hex worked.

You’re welcome.

Also, YOU TRY TO PUT A NIPPLE ON A FOREHEAD IN MS PAINT!

This was the best game I could have chosen to attend and I’m so so glad I did.

However, next week is going to be just as much a battle. We have the Ravens (spits) and we’re facing them without Woodley and possibly without Hines or James Harrison or Farrior and more.

I wonder if I can get a foot to grow out of Ray Lewis’ butt.

TEQUILA, TEQUILA, TEQUILA!





19 Comments

  1. hello haha narf
    October 31, 2011 1:48 pm

    job well done!
    now you simply must attend the ravens (spits) game. all there is to it.



  2. JoggingJeans
    October 31, 2011 2:49 pm

    Your WTRT posts make me look forward to Mondays. Brilliant!



  3. BBandG
    October 31, 2011 2:53 pm

    I know you didn’t draw that nipple. Did you have to google it to find an image to use?
    Does it belong to someone we know?
    IS IT SEPULVEDA’S?!?!?!



  4. Jann
    October 31, 2011 3:04 pm

    Thank you for making me laugh out loud with this post. And thank you for putting the curse on Brady.
    Bellicheat sucks too!



  5. bucdaddy
    October 31, 2011 3:11 pm

    Drinking tequila, sitting/standing in the cold for four hours screaming obscenities: There’s something wrong with you football fans, something very very wrong, something seriously wrong.

    Warm summer days, cold beers and girls in shorts is the way to go.

    And I don’t get the Brady hate, he’s really pretty for a girl, certainly prettier than his (hacks up hairball) wife.

    But what the (NSFW), I’m glad you had a good time anyway.



  6. Butcher's Dog
    October 31, 2011 3:40 pm

    Lucifer and Michelle Bachmann are two different beings? Seriously? Who knew?



  7. unsatisfied
    October 31, 2011 3:43 pm

    I know that some nipples really look instead like zits…but, DAY-yum.



  8. ErinPatricia
    October 31, 2011 4:19 pm

    I was so looking forward to this TWTRT!! Thanks for the giggles, and the never ever will unsee it image of Tom Brady with a nipple on his forehead!



  9. bluzdude
    October 31, 2011 4:29 pm

    That nipple looks like it was grafted onto him, Frankenstein-style. In other words, it’s perfect.

    But you gotta admit… there’s nothing like the energy of 65,000 black and gold maniacs screaming at the top of their lungs. How can one possibly be cold?



  10. Magnus Patris
    October 31, 2011 4:59 pm

    MS Paint? (Welcome to 1994) You really need to get Photoshop. It has a built in “nipple filter”.



  11. POLITICALPARTYPOOPER
    October 31, 2011 7:18 pm

    Seriously Ginny, I come here every Monday just to see your recap of the game…even though I’m a Packer fan.

    Maybe we’ll meet again in the Super Bowl. We’ve already lost one key player for the season. Just need to lose a couple more here and there and we’ll have the rest of the league right where we want them …just like last year.



  12. Bram R
    October 31, 2011 11:47 pm

    MS Paint. That’s deep.



  13. aunt penny
    November 1, 2011 12:05 am

    yinz knows

    what this means?

    Ginny, yinz needs to go to every game now with hexin and voodooin and tekillya. Just git yourself one of them Stillers Snuggies.



  14. Suzie-Q
    November 1, 2011 1:42 am

    Awesome recap of an awesome game!! Nip, nip hooray!!!!



  15. Scott
    November 1, 2011 2:08 am

    I’m calling it right here and now:

    Best. WTRT. Ever.



  16. jann
    November 1, 2011 8:59 am

    Good one Suzie-Q!

    Someone please help me though – what does NSFW mean? (Yes, I am older than Hines Ward, whom I still love so please give him a break, Ginny!)



  17. Virginia
    November 1, 2011 9:11 am

    Jann,

    NSFW means “Not Safe For Work.”

    Also, I am older than Hines too. ;)



  18. WIMom
    November 1, 2011 10:06 am

    Hey, Ginny, if he keeps playing like he has, you might be giving Ben a new nickname. Maybe after we bury the Ravens. (please,please,please let that happen)



  19. MattDC
    November 1, 2011 12:35 pm

    I thought my dockers and jacket were quite distinguished. Sorry about the colorful language, which is only motivated by that #%!hole Belichick.




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