Monthly Archives: October 2011

What They’re Really Thinking: Footballgasm Edition

I watched this game at Las Velas where my husband put me to work yesterday painting and cleaning, which, SO MUCH FUN IN A NOT FUN IN ANY FUN WAY WAY.

A picture-perfect Pittsburgh day for football. Sunny. Warm. Hopeful that we would turn things around after last week’s suckfest of sucking suck. Suck.

Let’s talk football and butt noms in non-chronological order!

1. After giving up 3,244 sacks last week, the O-line only allowed one single sack on The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross yesterday, thanks in part to Max Starks rejoining the team.

Max was never that awesome of an O-line player, but it’s amazing how much better he plays now that he’s properly motivated.

2. Hines Ward, that geriatric oldster who is younger than me, suddenly plays football again! Suddenly he’s smiling again! Suddenly he’s reminding everyone that he still exists. At one point, he got a little too cocksure (I don’t know if I used that correctly, but, damn, that’s a fantastic word) about his abilities and he did it in Donkey from Shrek fashion.

Yes, the important thing is that Hines Ward can still catch.

Also important, cocksure is a fantastic word.

3. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross deserves the additional title of Prince of Cocksure because after that performance, he can be as cocksure as he wants to be. So long as he doesn’t whip it out in public.

As I was saying, Benny did good. Five touchdowns. One interception that we will now generously neuralyze from our memories. He also did a good job of getting rid of the ball quickly when things got dire.

So selfless of The Duke, Earl, and Prince.

4. Defensively, we’re playing without our Chief of Up Effing, James Harrison, but Woodley, who again I remind you calls himself The Pharoah, which: COCKSURE, stepped in nicely with a sack and an interception.

I’m sure our opposing offensive lines are going to enjoy these few weeks’ reprieve from having the literal poop beat out of them by James Harrison, but really he’s just going to save up all of his anger and aggression, storing it like a rabid squirrel until …


5. And that’s all I want to talk about. See you next week. BYE NOW.



Let’s talk about the most important part of the game! The only part that really matters! The most orgasmic play you have ever seen! The play for the history books! The play for the Hall of Fame! THE PLAY FOR WORLD PEACE.

I’m only slightly exaggerating.

When this play happened, when Daniel faked the punt and then took off running like the most beautiful quarterback since Keanu Reeves, I audibly gasped.

YouTube Preview Image

My paint brush froze. A drop of paint fell to the ground with a gentle plop that might as well have been cannon fire. It echoed in my ears.

I held my breath.


My husband realized I had froze. That paint was dripping to his floor. He asked if I was having a stroke. I asked him to say “focus.’

I tensed.

The ball was thrown.

“Oh please, oh please,” I whispered.

I prayed.

Then … completion for a first down!

The Titans are stunned. Confused.

I went into football-gasm mode. Running around the restaurant while my husband dialed 911 to report my stroke.








Do you have a cigarette I could borrow?

Step off.



A lot happened on the blog in the last 24 hours, so if you’ve missed any of these, you want to bloop-bloop-bloop down:

–Tom Cruise photoshops at ‘DVE make the baby Jesus giggle

— Announcing Crazy Scary Dos 2.0 a Deux de Second II benefiting Make Room for Kids!

— Someone stole a FREAKING STEEL BRIDGE. WUT?!

— Hannah Minge is an Awesome Burgher!

— Slutty Chucky says, “HAPPY SLUTTY HALLOWEEN!”

And with that, let’s head into the nice, warm, sunny weekend with this awesome video of Troysus scaring the Bahtroyseesus out of people at a wax museum in Hollywood!

I’m going to try that with the pigeons in Market Square.

Pigeons: “Look! A PittGirl statue! Let’s go sit on its head and poop on it.”



There’s “What?” like “What day is this? Monday or Purple?”

There’s “WHAT?” like, “Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?” “WHAT?”

There’s “WHAT!?” like “Here’s a Plus-Sized Sexy Anorexia costume. Wait. WHAT?!” (h/t @addiful on Twitter)

And there’s “WUT?!” as in “Somebody stole a bridge. WUT?!”

I will first preface this by saying … NOT FAYETTE COUNTY! WUT?!

State police in New Castle are investigating the theft of an old steel bridge in a wooded area near the Pennsylvania Turnpike in North Beaver Township.

The bridge was 50-feet long and 20-feet wide and spanned a small creek which flows into the Mahoning River.

Someone stole a STEEL bridge. It wasn’t even a tiny wood bridge that couldn’t bear the weight of a stinkbug family. A STEEL BRIDGE. This is what it looked like:

coverts crossing

(found via @adriennemcc on twitter)

I know what you’re thinking:  WUT?!

But I think I know what happened. There are only two real possibilities here:





I’m going with number 2. The bridge is still there. We just can’t SEE IT on account of all the smoke and mirrors.

You gotta watch the KDKA video for Ken Rice’s dramatic pause before “an entire bridge” and then Ralph Iannotti’s face when he’s first on screen looking all, “SOMEONE STOLE  A FREAKING BRIDGE. WUT?!”


Have Fun Until You Pee!

(Art by Nick Polowy who also painted the new Zombie Primanti’s wall)

There are three times a person with otherwise solid bladder control will pee themselves.

1. Too drunk to notice.

2. Too hysterical with laughter.

3. Too bejeesussly scared.

If you join me and Burgh Baby and Scott Harbaugh from WPXI and Tall Cathy from 96.1 KISS FM on October 19 at the ScareHouse, you have a very good chance of peeing your pants thanks to numbers 2 and 3. We will stop you from reaching number 1. Because we care. Fingerhearts.

ANNOUNCING CRAZY SCARY DOS 2.0! As I’m calling it. And that’s before tequila. AFTER tequila I’ll probably call it “Crazy Scary Dos 2.0 a Deux de Second II.” See. Tequila makes everything awesomer.

Crazy Scary is a fundraiser hosted by the ScareHouse wherein they donate proceeds from the day’s sales to Make Room for Kids and Burgh Baby’s Christmas Crazy for Kids. Last year, that meant Make Room for Kids was given over THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

This is a great way for us to put the first dollars in the pot for the next phase of Make Room for Kids. You recall we have already taken care of the transplant kids and the “Frequent Fliers” and the Mario Lemieux Foundation will soon be announcing the next ward of the hospital to benefit from gaming out the wazoo, which is what the brochure would say if I was allowed to write it.

Last year was a contest between Michelle and I wherein we both, mysteriously, ended up losing. This is the part of the post where I should put the picture of Michelle in a horrifying princess gown and Mommy Dearest makeup, but she will come to my house and unleash pigeons into it if I do. I got enough problems with stinkbugs.

This year we’re roping other local celebs into the shenanigans and it promises to be a fantastic time in the VIP room at the ScareHouse.

Here are the details of Crazy Scary Dos 2.0 a Deux de Second II on October 19 at 7:00 p.m.

Cost: $35. FOR SICK AND NEEDY KIDS! And yes, every single cent goes to our charities!

What you get:

  • Access to the RIP lounge! This is where the fun happens as we mingle, chat, eat, imbibe, and try not to pee as scary monsters mingle with us. This will also be the site of various shenanigans throughout the evening including challenges with less than savory punishments for the loser. I plan to punish Burgh Baby this year, so you better show up on MY SIDE, Internet. None of that losing crap like last year.
  • 1 free Clique Vodka Zombitini! Clique Vodka will be there running a cash bar and just being awesome at Vodka. I’m awesome at tequila.
  • FOOD! Las Velas, Cafe Solstice, and Mindy Heiser are all on hand to provide amazing food.
  • RIP access to the ScareHouse. All three haunts including the new Pittsburgh Zombies haunt. RIP means you don’t have to wait in line, and trust me, ScareHouse has a line these days. NO LINE FOR YOU! If you choose to do it. You don’t have to walk the haunt if you’re a giant scaredy-cat baby. If you don’t plan to do it, can I suggest a few Zombitinis and THEN you decide? I bet after two or three you’ll be all, “LET’S HAUNT THIS BITCH.”
  • Prizes! Of course we have prizes thanks to Access Closing, @expatpghgirl, the Mario Lemieux Foundation, the Ghost Hunters, and @scarletfire have donated some really amazing stuff.

I promise you’ll have a wonderful time and meet wonderful new people!

There are only 75 tickets available for the RIP Room so you’ll want to hurry up and purchase your tickets by clicking here.

If you ONLY want to do the ScareHouse minus the fun and RIP treatment, or if you don’t snag an RIP ticket, you can purchase regular tickets by clicking here and using the code CRAZY. A portion of those proceeds will also go to Make Room for Kids.

So make plans now to join me and a bunch of awesome Burghers for Crazy Scary Dos 2.0 a Deux de Second II!

And bring some Depends!

For me.  I’ll be the curly-haired chick hiding in a corner screaming, “I DON’T WANT YOU TO EAT MY BRAINS! I THINK I’M PEEING!”


Hilarious Mission Possible

Tom Cruise and family, as you know, are in and out of town a lot these days, with sightings happening mostly in downtown and the North Hills areas of the city.

Rather than stalk the Cruise-Potter family (What? She’ll always be Joey Potter to me.) as they experience our city, you can just photoshop them into all sorts of awesome Burgh situations, which is what ‘DVE called for in their recent Tom Cruise Photoshop Contest and the results are HILARIOUS.

A few of my favorites shared with permission:

HAH! Tom Cruise WOULD take the pierogie race this seriously.

Black and yellow and manic!

Going to pee my pants.

Peeing my pants.



Looks like Tom may have “disrupted” the arena.






You have to go check out the whole gallery of over 250 photoshops of Tom Cruise doing Pittsburgh stuff. He’s a furry! He’s a construction worker! He’s a Penguin! He’s a Steeler! A zombie! Steely McBeam! Mister Rogers! Andy Warhol! Too short to ride Kennywood rides!

The list goes on and on.

I love the Internet.