A family email conversation

My parents took a trip to Aruba (jerks) and for the first time ever they had internet access on one of their little excursions out of the country. And it was a real treat.

This was the third dispatch:

Hi Girls,  Well here we are day three of Aruba.  Dad and I are having the most amazing time.  We have met people from all over the world.  We ate breakfast at a place called Salt and Pepper, where we have met the neatest lady.  Her name is Audrey.  She has lived here 33 years.  She is known all over the island.  She has taken a liking to Dad and I.  Tomorrow we are meeting her for breakfast then we are off to her home to see it and have lunch.  I asked the people at Salt and Pepper about her and they said she is one of the neatest people on the island, and by all means go spend the day with her.  So tomorrow should be very interesting.  Today we spend the whole day at the beach.  It is an amazing beach. 

Stacey hope you are feeling a little better today?  Just remember a C is OK.  Don’t make yourself crazy.  We love you.  C or A… Put it into perspective.

Hope all is well with everyone else.  Send us an email.  We love you all and miss you.  BUT WE ARE HAVING AN AMAZING TIME….

Love to all,  Mom and Dad.

I have no idea about the Stacey thing. Apparently my oldest sister Ta-Ta, who returned to school for a tax accounting degree, might have gotten a C on something and if you knew Stacey, you would know that … ARMAGEDDON. I don’t think she’s ever even gotten even a B in her life. My mother used to hide teen-year’s Stacey’s schoolbooks from her to force her to relax.

From Tina Fey, nicknamed Mort:

Are you two dying?  Planning to hurl yourselves into the ocean or something?  You’ve never blogged from your vacations before and you’re starting to worry me.

Have fun and don’t let strange island women hurt you.

Love you!

I chimed in:

Amen. This sounds like the beginning of a CSI: Miami episode. Stay safe!

Also, did Stacey get a C or something? Are we sure she hasn’t flung herself from a Virginia bridge?

C’s are good too, is what my mantra was in high school.


Mom and Dad:

We are not planning on dying.  We have never had internet access before.  We love being able to tell you about our days.  We asked about the local woman and we were told to be honored to be asked to her home.  We will be fine.  Aruba is the most beautiful spot on the planet.  We are having an amazing time.  Will email tomorrow about our wonderful time with Audrey.  We can’t wait to see her home….

Love you guys.  Talk to you later, Mom

Tina Fey:

Did you ever think maybe the locals are in on the plot to rid Aruba of tourists?  Take a shiv just in case.

Princess Aurora of Wexfordhampsminstershire:

I’m saving these emails in case the investigator needs them.  You better send us her last name.

Pens Fan:

Don’t take a lot of money with you.

Mom and Dad:

You guys are killing me.  Audrey is one of the most unique people we have ever met.  She is just a sweet old lady who loves people.  We will email you when we get back.  Not all people are crazy.  Her home is amazing.  She gave us several of her business cards.  The people at the Salt and Pepper love her.  I am sure we will too. Quit worrying.

Stacey quit stressing IT WILL ALL BE OK.

We love you and will talk to you tomorrow.  If Audrey does not do something to us.  You all are crazy…..

Love you and miss you,
Dad and Mom

Still no clue about the Stacey thing.

Tina Fey:

You know who else was described as “unique”?  Charles Manson, right before he committed mass murder.

Pens Fan:

I believe Joran Van Der Sloot was also known around the island.


Could you imagine mom’s reaction if WE sent her an email about a local wanting to show us around?!

Love you guys and glad you are making friends and having fun in Aruba!  Maybe this Audrey person is super rich and will invite us to come stay at her mansion anytime!!!!

Pens Fan:

Oh, yeah! Mom, try to get us all an invite to Aruba!

You see how we did that? We went from parenting the parentals out of concern and swung it around until we were greedy bastards wanting an invite to Aruba from a possible serial killer.

It’s the circle of life.



  1. bluzdude
    November 2, 2011 9:53 am

    Even better… you even got your parents doubting their own judgement!

    Your family would make a much better TV show than the Kardashians.

  2. Jim W.
    November 2, 2011 10:42 am

    Yeah. . . but what’s up with that C?

  3. JoggingJeans
    November 2, 2011 11:02 am

    Your family sounds so fun!
    Let us know *IF* they are okay after the visit. :)

  4. bucdaddy
    November 2, 2011 11:08 am

    Dammit, Pens Fan used my punchline, which was going to be:

    “Audrey … van der Sloot?”

    Now: Shake it off, Stacey. I gave bucdaughter a speech when she was in high school, maybe college, about how one of the many big lies parents tell their children is, “Always do your best, always try your hardest.” I explained to her that learning to prioritize and allocate your time is far more important in life. Let’s say you’re a music major and you have a big recital coming up. You have a Geology 101 exam the same day, part of your well-rounded curriculum. Should you invest the same amount of time studying for the exam as you do practicing for your recital? Of course not. In a couple months nobody is going to care one whit that you got a C on your exam. In 30+ years since I got out of schooling, no one has ever asked to see my transcripts or diplomas.

    The world doesn’t care about your C.

    Unless that’s your cup size.

  5. Christina
    November 2, 2011 11:16 am

    I love this posting.

    And aren’t parents totally inconsistent people? I remember mentioning around the age of 18 that I thought that motorcycles are a cool thing to drive around.

    Dear Lord – the woman that was my mom almost KILLED ME.

    About 15 years later she – at her 50th birthday – she made her motorcycle driver’s licence and bought a Yamaha Dragstar 650. Shaken by disbelieve we gave her a fancy helmet with full face protection and stuff as a present. Only weeks later we found out that it sat untouched on the shelf replaced by this cool but tiny oldschool US police style helmet. When we asked her about it she said: “None of my friends is wearing this full protection thingy. It is not cool. And by the way it makes me claustrophobic.”


    I miss her. She died eight years later from cancer. We buried her following her last will in her motorcycling leather clothes.

  6. Butcher's Dog
    November 2, 2011 12:23 pm

    bucdaddy, as usual, has the right perspective. For probably the last 25 years I taught I always counselled seniors on their way to college, “Don’t let the school work interfere with your education.” Not sure it applies to adults heading back after a long break, but it should.

  7. Tina Fey
    November 2, 2011 1:22 pm

    bucdaddy, Stacey’s cup size is way better than a C. Her breasts are kind of legendary in our family. She’s going to kill me if she sees that I’ve been talking about her boobs on the internet.

  8. Virginia
    November 2, 2011 1:24 pm

    Unless she’s already flung herself from a bridge, then we don’t need to worry.

  9. LaReina
    November 2, 2011 1:56 pm

    I wish there were no correlation between cup size and grades. I was a straight-A student.

  10. Joe K.
    November 2, 2011 2:21 pm

    “Don’t let schoolwork interfere with your education.”

    Priceless wisdom!

  11. LeeInIrwin
    November 2, 2011 2:39 pm

    Meeting a local who offers to take you to their home and show you around? I don’t know – sounds like a scene out of “Hostel”……..but I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about……

  12. Butcher's Dog
    November 2, 2011 5:43 pm

    @Joe K: Thanks! That was why I made the big money all those years.

  13. Mary
    November 2, 2011 7:00 pm

    Arubans are really friendly. When we were there on our honeymoon twenty years ago wethought people were trying to talk to us to sell us drugs but no… they’re just friendly.

  14. Suzie-Q
    November 2, 2011 8:00 pm

    I got a D in Religion in high school and now I’m a nun!! ha..ha…
    Don’t stress the “c”

    And I think your parents are the original bloggers!!! Go get em mom and dad!!!!

  15. Ginny's Dad
    November 2, 2011 9:01 pm

    Hi Fam

    We are back from Audrey’s House of Horrors. When we got there it looked like a quaint, rustic Caribbean house from the outside, but it was downright hideous and frightful inside.

    She gave us a drink of some local “beverage” which tasted like passion fruit. But next thing we knew, she had us strapped to metal tables with IV’s running out of the veins in our arms. She apparently collects blood from tourists to make fertilizer for her garden and orchard.

    She was ecstatic when she found out we were part of Steeler Nation because as she said, “Yinz have the best blood of any people”. “My cashew tree produces the best nuts when I use Steeler Nation blood fertilizer.”

    I said, “Thanks for the compliment, but am I going to die?” “If you let me and my wife go, I promise I will bring the entire Steeler’s football team here after we win the Super Bowl.”

    Well, that was the worst thing I could have said because she is originally from Boston and is a rabid Patriot’s fan … and I mean “rabid” as in frothing from the mouth.

    She then hooked up some metal rings to our heads and connected 220V cables to the electrodes attached to the rings.

    She said she wanted to analyze the brain of a moron. I reminded her that we were from Pittsburgh and not from Cleveland or Cincinnati. I was also going to include New England but discretion is the better part of valor.

    Just when we thought all hope was gone, Steely McBeam burst thru the door and sacked her for a 5 yard loss. Then he gagged her with a Terrible Towel and whisked us away in a SteelerMobile.

    We decided not to press charges because being a Patriot fan was punishment enough. By the way, her house was wallpapered with pictures of Belichick and Brady and she had voodoo dolls of Polamalu and Ben. We are so thankful to have survived Audrey’s House of Horrors. I told Dottie not to talk to strangers anymore. Fat chance …. or is it slim chance?

  16. empirechick
    November 3, 2011 1:16 am

    Ginny’s Dad FTW!! Now we see where Ginny gets it!

    Well done, sir!!

  17. bucdaddy
    November 3, 2011 1:27 am

    Tina Fey,

    Pictures or you’re lying.

    Ginny’s Dad,

    I figured that was going to end up more “Human Centipede III,” though hat tip to you, sir, Steely McBeam IS more horrifying.

  18. Rich D
    November 3, 2011 9:14 am

    @Ginny’s Dad. Great post!

  19. Butcher's Dog
    November 3, 2011 10:15 am

    Um…Ginny?…dad may have kicked you down to number two in the family in blogging/satire/general smart-assed-ness. Just sayin’. Consider it a challenge.

  20. Jules
    November 3, 2011 10:45 am

    This sounds like an email me and my 5 siblings write on a weekly basis. We quit including the in-laws because they simply don’t get our sense of humor. Thanks for the laugh!

  21. USCMike
    November 3, 2011 4:11 pm

    Well we certainly now know which genes Ginny got from Dad, don’t we?

    h/t to Ginny’s Dad for an awesome response! You two enjoy Aruba!!

    @bucdaddy, good luck with that request for pics of Stacey’s bodaciousness. I believe Gin has discussed her tatas before and was threatened with bodily harm… ;^)

  22. Butcher's Dog
    November 3, 2011 4:25 pm

    @USCMike: I’ve always said that the smart-ass gene is dominant, not recessive. If science wanted to do something really meaningful for us, they’d get to work confirming my suspicion.

  23. USCMike
    November 3, 2011 5:43 pm

    @Butcher’s Dog: The scientists are too busy trying to find intelligent life in D.C. and coming up empty these days…

  24. Bulldog
    November 4, 2011 1:31 pm

    Wow, where to begin? Thanks to Virginia, Ginny’s Dad and all the regulars! Can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at something online, though I have no doubt it was on this blog. Way to go, Ginny’s Dad. Thanks for entertaining us so much during your own vacation.