If you haven’t read this post about Hittsburgh and the ensuing 176 hilarious comments, many from people defending Hittsburgh, then you are going to be a lost puppy. Go read it first.
This is the first game of the season where my family was able to get together to watch the game at my parents’ house while binge eating a true “bring what the hell you want” buffet. That meant buffalo chicken dip, honey chicken (mine), sausage and peppers, sloppy joes, and pierogies.
Indigestion. We ALL haz it.
A fun little halftime conversation happened when my husband asked my dad for the house’s WiFi password, and while I won’t tell you what it is in case you’re his elderly neighbor hell bent on scoring some free WiFi, I can assure you it is one of those passwords that you should NEVER EVER use.
Husband: “Dad, what’s the password?”
Dad: [tells the password]
Muchacho: “That is awful. You need to change that.”
Pens Fan: “He’ll just change it to something even easier, like ‘home.'”
Me: “Or ‘Password.'”
Princess Aurora of Wexhampsminstershire: “Whatever, Muchacho. At least it’s better than your ridiculous house password.”
Me: “Oh, my God. It has like 25 characters.”
Princess Aurora: “–x y 2 1 capital-Y u w 1 4 x 2 b c 2 c l q–“
Prince of Wexhampsminstershire: “– ampersand ampersand–“
Princess: “tilde tilde schwa–“
I don’t need to tell you, do I, that Tilde Schwa would make a kickass band name?
Let’s talk football, and yes, captions are taken directly or almost directly from comments to the Hittsburgh post. Because I’m an evil bitch.
1. This game was a must win because 1. It’s the Bengals [ptooie] and 2. we are in a fight with the Ravens [ptooie] and the Bengals [ptooie] for first place in our division and 3. [ptooie].
Prior to the game, Marvin Lewis was feeling very confident, not caring in the least about the trash talk coming from Steelers fans:
2. But that was short lived because after a quick three and out by the Bengals, the Steelers were on the board with a pass to Cotchery, much to Marvin’s dismay:
3. Then on our next possession, Mendenhall runs in a touchdown, Steelers are up 14-0 and the Bengals look like the Bungles of old and boy, they were legit not happy:
4. We interrupt this WTRT to say, Dear Wide Receivers of the NFL. CAN WE PLEASE CUT THIS OUT?!
Ugh. Grrrrr. It is an epidemic and it’s starting to look ridiculous.
5. Everyone on twitter was all, “Bengals WHO?! These are still the Bungles LOLBBQ!”
Which is was the kiss of death because before you know it, Troysus is in the end zone playing dodgeball and the Bengals score.
Can we talk about that play? WTF was Troysus doing? I’m serious. Go watch it. That is not a man thinking to stop the ball; that is a man thinking the ball has cooties.
But then a few minutes later, he killed a guy and stuff, so I forgave him.
6. Hines Ward had one catch for ten yards and then I think he accidentally pressed his Life Alert necklace because they didn’t let him back in the game again and then he cried over spilled Ensure.
[kicks the geriatric horse that choked to death on a Werthers in the Depends]
7. The offensive line let Benny get sacked five times. Benny wasn’t happy.
Meanwhile, that ginger kid Dalton wasn’t sacked a single time. Tsk. That’s not Steelers football.
8. We interrupt this WTRT to ask Casey Hampton what he thinks about Hittsburgh:
(h/t to @lovesnorthside on Twitter who gave me this idea.)
9. I expect a fine for that helmet to helmet hit on Heath Miller. I heard the birds he heard and I saw the stars he saw.
It’s a miracle he actually held on to the ball and stood up on his own rather than asking drunkenly, “Is this Monday or Purple?”
10. With the game at 17-17, my whole family felt a little pukey and I think that can only be 30% attributed to the strange concoction of Pierogie Sloppy Joe Honey Buffalo Sausage Cherry Pie we had roiling in our bellies.
We were up 14-0 and now here we are, all tied up.
That really is the grossest.
10. But a Mendy touchdown puts us back on top and we’re breathing again.
And later, what’s this? Something unseen of before. Something strange. Foreign. ET PHONE HOME. It is an interception by Timmons and we are all freaking out and Mike Tomlin is too!
And he WOULD see more because you remember William Gay [ptooie!]? We’ll get to that.
11. Is calling someone a ginger an insult? That ginger kid quarterback tried hard to rally his team as they were down by one touchdown in the fourth quarter, going so far as to try throwing cruel insults at our defensive line:
Way harsh, Tai.
12. We interrupt this WTRT to ask, is this the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?
13. So anyway, fourth quarter and it’s looking like the Bengals are marching to a touchdown to tie this shit up and you remember William Gay again, right? Who if I had written last week’s WTRT would have been absolutely destroyed with frowny faces and Xs over his stupid face and his stupid hair and his stupid inability to play defense in any fashion worthy of the NFL or even my kid’s flag football team?
BOOM goes the interception from Gay and suddenly all is forgiven!
My family is cheering and burping weird buffalo sausage sloppy joe honey cherry burps!
Everyone asks for Tums and a juice cleanse!
Benny offers kind words to that ginger kid!
That she does, Benny. That she does.
We’re atop the AFC North now, but we’ve got the Ravens [ptooie] and Bengals [ptooie] breathing down our necks.
We won’t talk about the Browns, who like the Blackberry, insist on still being a thing.
Next week, BYE WEEK!
Thank God. It might take me two weeks to recover from the pierogie honey sausage cherry buffalo pepper sloppy poops.
Also, it will give me time to have the fat sucked out of my cankles.