What They’re Really Thinking: Hittsburgh Edition

If you haven’t read this post about Hittsburgh and the ensuing 176 hilarious comments, many from people defending Hittsburgh, then you are going to be a lost puppy. Go read it first.

__________________

This is the first game of the season where my family was able to get together to watch the game at my parents’ house while binge eating a true “bring what the hell you want” buffet. That meant buffalo chicken dip, honey chicken (mine), sausage and peppers, sloppy joes, and pierogies.

Indigestion. We ALL haz it.

A fun little halftime conversation happened when my husband asked my dad for the house’s WiFi password, and while I won’t tell you what it is in case you’re his elderly neighbor hell bent on scoring some free WiFi, I can assure you it is one of those passwords that you should NEVER EVER use.

Husband: “Dad, what’s the password?”

Dad: [tells the password]

Family: [snickers]

Muchacho: “That is awful. You need to change that.”

Pens Fan: “He’ll just change it to something even easier, like ‘home.'”

Me: “Or ‘Password.'”

Princess Aurora of Wexhampsminstershire: “Whatever, Muchacho. At least it’s better than your ridiculous house password.”

Me: “Oh, my God. It has like 25 characters.”

Princess Aurora: “–x y 2 1 capital-Y u w 1 4 x 2 b c 2 c l q–“

Prince of Wexhampsminstershire: “– ampersand ampersand–“

Princess: “tilde tilde schwa–“

I don’t need to tell you, do I, that Tilde Schwa would make a kickass band name?

Let’s talk football, and yes, captions are taken directly or almost directly from comments to the Hittsburgh post. Because I’m an evil bitch.

1. This game was a must win because 1. It’s the Bengals [ptooie] and 2. we are in a fight with the Ravens [ptooie] and the Bengals [ptooie] for first place in our division and 3. [ptooie].

Prior to the game, Marvin Lewis was feeling very confident, not caring in the least about the trash talk coming from Steelers fans:

2. But that was short lived because after a quick three and out by the Bengals, the Steelers were on the board with a pass to Cotchery, much to Marvin’s dismay:

 

3. Then on our next possession, Mendenhall runs in a touchdown, Steelers are up 14-0 and the Bengals look like the Bungles of old and boy, they were legit not happy:

4. We interrupt this WTRT to say, Dear Wide Receivers of the NFL. CAN WE PLEASE CUT THIS OUT?!

Ugh. Grrrrr. It is an epidemic and it’s starting to look ridiculous.

 

5. Everyone on twitter was all, “Bengals WHO?! These are still the Bungles LOLBBQ!”

Which is was the kiss of death because before you know it, Troysus is in the end zone playing dodgeball and the Bengals score.

Can we talk about that play? WTF was Troysus doing? I’m serious. Go watch it. That is not a man thinking to stop the ball; that is a man thinking the ball has cooties.

But then a few minutes later, he killed a guy and stuff, so I forgave him.

6. Hines Ward had one catch for ten yards and then I think he accidentally pressed his Life Alert necklace because they didn’t let him back in the game again and then he cried over spilled Ensure.

[kicks the geriatric horse that choked to death on a Werthers in the Depends]

7. The offensive line let Benny get sacked five times. Benny wasn’t happy.

Meanwhile, that ginger kid Dalton wasn’t sacked a single time. Tsk. That’s not Steelers football.

8. We interrupt this WTRT to ask Casey Hampton what he thinks about Hittsburgh:

(h/t to @lovesnorthside on Twitter who gave me this idea.)

9. I expect a fine for that helmet to helmet hit on Heath Miller. I heard the birds he heard and I saw the stars he saw.

It’s  a miracle he actually held on to the ball and stood up on his own rather than asking drunkenly, “Is this Monday or Purple?”

10. With the game at 17-17, my whole family felt a little pukey and I think that can only be 30% attributed to the strange concoction of Pierogie Sloppy Joe Honey Buffalo Sausage Cherry Pie we had roiling in our bellies.

We were up 14-0 and now here we are, all tied up.

That really is the grossest.

10. But a Mendy touchdown puts us back on top and we’re breathing again.

And later, what’s this? Something unseen of before. Something strange. Foreign. ET PHONE HOME. It is an interception by Timmons and we are all freaking out and Mike Tomlin is too!

And he WOULD see more because you remember William Gay [ptooie!]? We’ll get to that.

11. Is calling someone a ginger an insult? That ginger kid quarterback tried hard to rally his team as they were down by one touchdown in the fourth quarter, going so far as to try throwing cruel insults at our defensive line:

Way harsh, Tai.

12. We interrupt this WTRT to ask, is this the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?

13. So anyway, fourth quarter and it’s looking like the Bengals are marching to a touchdown to tie this shit up and you remember William Gay again, right?  Who if I had written last week’s WTRT would have been absolutely destroyed with frowny faces and Xs over his stupid face and his stupid hair and his stupid inability to play defense in any fashion worthy of the NFL or even my kid’s flag football team?

BOOM goes the interception from Gay and suddenly all is forgiven!

My family is cheering and burping weird buffalo sausage sloppy joe honey cherry burps!

Everyone asks for Tums and a juice cleanse!

Benny offers kind words to that ginger kid!

That she does, Benny. That she does.

We’re atop the AFC North now, but we’ve got the Ravens [ptooie] and Bengals [ptooie] breathing down our necks.

We won’t talk about the Browns, who like the Blackberry, insist on still being a thing.

Next week, BYE WEEK!

Thank God. It might take me two weeks to recover from the pierogie honey sausage cherry buffalo pepper sloppy poops.

Also, it will give me time to have the fat sucked out of my cankles.





44 Comments

  1. Jill M
    November 14, 2011 4:15 pm

    That was classic! And to boot, I got some good recipe ideas for my husband’s surprise birthday party this weekend – a little something for everyone. (I will not be rocking my Hittsburgh gear though…)



  2. Jen
    November 14, 2011 4:17 pm

    SNORT LAUGHED like 6 times. Though I may need to Chlorox my eyeballs after that belly button shot. argh.

    GO STEELERS!



  3. SpudMom
    November 14, 2011 4:19 pm

    Best comment to caption choice? “I SLIGHTLY DISAGREE WITH SOME OF THE THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID HERE SO I THOUGHT I’D MENTION IT!!!!!!!”

    Awesome.



  4. WIMom
    November 14, 2011 4:21 pm

    At #11- being a ginger myself (BTW, only 2% of the world’s population are true redheads- there is your triva fact for today), calling him Ginger is a he**uva lot better than calling him Opie.
    Another great posting, Ginny. They make me smile on Mondays, especially when we win.



  5. DG
    November 14, 2011 4:22 pm

    I second that snort. I really needed that laugh today. FANTASTIC post.



  6. Cassie
    November 14, 2011 4:24 pm

    Ba ha ha! I died from the laughing. DIED.



  7. bluzdude
    November 14, 2011 4:24 pm

    That’s Dalton? I thought he’d be bigger.



  8. WIMom
    November 14, 2011 4:28 pm

    bluzdud- I thought I heard them say during the game that Dalton was 6ft7.



  9. kate
    November 14, 2011 4:30 pm

    I read this comments the other day and avoided that cute turd like a stripper avoiding a spilled drink. But this made me laugh so much the parents in the other cars are giving me the “gonna avoid you at the next PTA meeting” look so I had to say how awesome this was!



  10. red pen mama
    November 14, 2011 4:30 pm

    *crying with laughter*



  11. Beth
    November 14, 2011 4:36 pm

    I can’t believe you went there. Awesome!!



  12. Butcher's Dog
    November 14, 2011 4:39 pm

    You really had to ask if #12 was the ugliest thing we’d ever seen like 30 seconds after the belly button shot? You really think our attention spans are that short? Thanks for using my favorite “wish I had two of those” quotes, even though someone beat me to the use of it in the Hittsburgh thread.



  13. Sara
    November 14, 2011 4:44 pm

    That’s hilarious–because Ben actually WOULD say that…



  14. Monty
    November 14, 2011 4:46 pm

    Damn GIRL, this POST is FUNNY as SEXYHELLA Yo-Yo Ma! Them turd-BURGLARS in CincyFATTY can keep Bailey’s friend from Part-ay of 5 as their QB. HOLLA!

    This will never get old. A special thank you to Virginia for throwing fuel on the fire.



  15. Wendie
    November 14, 2011 4:47 pm

    “way harsh, Tai”

    Crying, I’m crying.



  16. Rich D
    November 14, 2011 4:55 pm

    Why do you have to hate on the Werthers? Maybe your man would pay more attention to you if you tasted like caramel!



  17. unsatisfied
    November 14, 2011 5:11 pm

    the whole WTRT was super CUTE!!!! (though, seeing casey’s umbilical cord hole was not….)

    stop the HATE haters!!!



  18. empirechick
    November 14, 2011 5:16 pm

    @Monty – nice Party of 5 reference! You could have gone E.R., but obviously you made the right choice.



  19. Scott
    November 14, 2011 5:25 pm

    I’m digging Ben’s athletic tape wedding band in the last picture. Super stylish, classy and a clear sign of some self-imposed austerity measures…also easy to dispose of when he runs into some Hittsburgh-wearing ho-bags up in da club.



  20. Moxie Bestos
    November 14, 2011 5:38 pm

    1. Someone needs to tell the wide receivers that their Warrior Ones are kind of sloppy. 2. I noticed the athletic tape wedding band too. Has he already lost his ring from fiddling with it too much? (My husband lost his down one of our return vents. He wouldn’t stop spinning it on the table like a top.) 3. Casey Hampton’s belly button is a thing of echoing awe. Maybe Ben’s ring is in there?



  21. empirechick
    November 14, 2011 5:43 pm

    I think Ben’s actual ring is under the tape. Cuz it’s true love and he never ever ever wants to take it off. ‘n at.



  22. rickh
    November 14, 2011 6:19 pm

    Clever post, one of the best. But we all want to know: Which super sexy Hittsburgh outfit did you wear to watch the game with el marido?



  23. Leenyburgh
    November 14, 2011 6:38 pm

    I love the Clueless reference.



  24. tokenintexas
    November 14, 2011 7:47 pm

    i learned a very important lesson with today’s WTRT, do NOT read while getting over viral bronchitis. I started laughing with the first picture and ended up hacking up a lung by the end of post. Thank you for the love in BOTH columns. HILARIOUS



  25. Clementine
    November 14, 2011 7:50 pm

    Hittsburgh = the gift that keeps on giving.

    I just want to say that I slightly disagree with how this made me pee my pants laughing, but Ginny is super-sexy and super-cute for writing it, and that’s church.

    Now, can we get Casey’s belly-button animated? Because I really want it to move when it’s talking to me…



  26. facie
    November 14, 2011 8:36 pm

    Heath gets the game ball. Sure he bobbled that one ball, which resulted in the INT, but I don’t think he could have come up with it being Monday or purple after that hit that somehow did not cause the ball to leap from his hands.

    Go Willie Gay!



  27. Pensgirl
    November 14, 2011 9:20 pm

    In the U.K., where prejudice against redheads is common, “ginger” is an insult, and sadly it has been catching on here. Here’s a story from earlier this year.

    Otherwise, SUPER CUTE post! Love “Way harsh, Tai.” (Can’t say much about the game what with only seeing snippets on Red Zone.)



  28. Ginny's Dad
    November 14, 2011 9:25 pm

    First of all, I didn’t pick that password – one of your brothers-in-law picked it when he setup the wifi. I wanted to use “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.

    Secondly, don’t be too hard on William Gay. The Sunday Trib had a good article about him and the adversity he had to overcome as a youth. His mother was murdered by his step-father when he was 7. When he’s not playing football, he donates his time (and probably his money) to help shelters for abused women. He has a heart for these women because of the abuse his mother endured before being murdered.

    I don’t care how many touchdowns he gives up, he stands tall in my eyes. I was so thrilled that he made the interception that preserved the victory.



  29. Beatrice
    November 14, 2011 11:14 pm

    Brilliant!



  30. bucdaddy
    November 14, 2011 11:44 pm

    Well played.



  31. Pa-Pop
    November 15, 2011 1:02 am

    Excellent work. But as for that Tilde Schwa crack, step off. She was my first. Yep. Her. Me. And the Subaru. Ah, memories…



  32. SteelCityMagnolia
    November 15, 2011 10:12 am

    Hilarious. Freaking HI-LAR-I-OUS!!!!

    Damn it, I spit coffee all over my monitor reading this!!!!



  33. Butcher's Dog
    November 15, 2011 11:25 am

    Ben’s been wearing the ring every game since pre-season with tape over it. I’ve mentioned it several times here. If you just noticed that by looking at these pictures, I suspect your attention’s wandering at times.

    BTW, my wedding ring has been on for 38 years. It’s never come off since my wife put it there on a very warm June afternoon. Finger’s probably gonna have to come off for the ring to come off. Just sayin’.



  34. Pinky
    November 15, 2011 1:00 pm

    Awesome post, Ginny.

    Re: the ring/tape. The tape over the ring is to make sure nothing gets caught on or in it, which could really, really hurt. Hospitals do this when people can’t remove their rings before surgery. It’s mostly to protect the finger, rather than the ring.



  35. Bigs
    November 15, 2011 4:32 pm

    Can someone explain where all the love for Ben is coming from on this site… I thought this used to be a safe place from all his minions?



  36. Dan (Not Onorato)
    November 15, 2011 4:43 pm

    @ #7 Bluzdude….Well done…

    Excellent Roadhouse reference! Cant believe theres no other mention of it!



  37. Paul
    November 15, 2011 4:46 pm

    @Bigs – playing winning football heals all wounds it seems.



  38. NAM
    November 15, 2011 4:46 pm

    That. Was. Awesome. My favorite: “This is what Pittsburgh Sexy Fans have been waiting for! Where can I see more?!” Absolutely brilliant post. Thank you for the laughs!!



  39. Butcher's Dog
    November 15, 2011 4:54 pm

    @Bigs: not only winning, but Ben has been a model of good behavior really for the last year and a half. Getting married seems to have sealed that deal. Most of us here are willing to let people improve and give them second chances. As for the winning football, the haters were loud and prominent even after two Super Bowl wins. So I’m thinking my explanation works best.



  40. Bigs
    November 15, 2011 5:07 pm

    @Butcher: I suppose a lot of people believe it and that’s their right. I reserve mine to remain skeptic.
    @Paul: Yeah so it seems.



  41. Jenny
    November 15, 2011 8:58 pm

    “You know YOUR rockin it” should be you’re
    just saying



  42. Virginia
    November 15, 2011 9:15 pm

    Jenny, I’m aware. I kept it wrong intentionally because that’s the way it was written in the comment to the Hittsburgh post.



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