“Steelers rout turnover-prone Chiefs 37-3”
That’s what the headline SHOULD HAVE been this morning.
Or maybe something with a play on words like “Chiefs tarred and feathered by Steelers” or “Chief Little Big Doofus turns ball over 4 times in rout by Steelers.”
Is that politically incorrect? If so, my people are Arab. Feel free to make “the terrorists have won” jokes. I promise not to be offended and I’ll also let you talk bad about my camel.
That’s not a euphemism.
Let’s talk football.
1. Pre-game tailgate time in Kansas City, which is in Missouri, not Kansas, for the geographically challenged amongst you.
Pre-game fireworks fired up the crowd, which had a healthy dose of yellow towels twirling along with the lame red ones.
One of these things is berzerker than the others.
You might have trouble spotting him though on account of all the camouflage. P.S. it was 32 degrees.
Pre-game was also the time for a skirmish involving some Steelers and Chiefs. I’m guessing it all started with jokes about mamas and then just deteriorated from there. No clue what could have been the catalyst for the rare pre-snap fight.
Luckily, Mike Tomlin stepped in and took care of business and by business I mean BIZNASS, YO.
If whoopass and Mike Tomlin’s badass were hanging up clothes, badass would punch whoopass right in the nose.
I’ve had six-year-old Starbucks liquor, since my house is out of tequila and wine. Does that explain anything yet?
2. First drive of the game, Troysus misses a tackle, then he times the snap perfectly and misses another tackle, then he kinda makes a tackle, and then he tackles himself right into a slight concussion, hitting the turf dead, like someone flipped his off switch.
And that was it for the game. Get better soon, Troysus, so we can forget how injury-prone you are.
[pops up and throws a Starbucks liquor bottle at the Troysus diehards]
3. Lucky for the Steelers though, Tyler Palko, former Pitt quarterback and one-time third-string Steelers quarterback, is throwing for the Chiefs and he is a generous soul who seems confused about this gosh-darned falootin’ game of newfangled football, turning the ball over again and again in the first half.
4. It was so bad that the Chiefs fans were booing Tyler with such great gusto, I almost started feeling bad for him. But he’s so stupid, it’s hard to feel sorry for him.
On the rare occasion that he actually threw the ball to his own teammate, the receivers got very possessive of it.
5. You would think with all those turnovers that the Steelers would capitalize on them and score “boocoo” points, as weirdos write it. But instead, the Steelers couldn’t even capitalize their first names and we went into the half only leading by seven points and we would score not one single additional point the entire rest of the game.
That is Webster’s definition of either “ridiculous” or “batshit bonkers.”
6. Hines Ward came out of the retirement home to start the game and to catch four passes!
But then he got a hankering:
[ducks behind the dead horse’s carcass]
7. The Duke of Fug and Earl of Gross played with a broken thumb and it showed. One of his tosses had a spiral so loose, it looked like my four-year-old daughter threw it. Except I think her spiral is a tad tighter.
However, credit where credit is due, how about his tackle on the gadget play to try to give Antonio Brown some time to try to find a receiver? That was rewind worthy.
Despite a so-so performance, at one point, Chris Collinsworth said, “Ben has just been brilliant this game.”
That’s how you know Chris Collinsworth does a lot of drugs. Allegedly.
8. Max Starks had a big job and he KINDA did it. That’s all I have to say about that.
9. Mike Wallace only had two catches for 17 yards and he dropped two balls. Maybe he should spend less time working on his ballet forms.
10. Unbelievably, the outcome of this game in which the Chiefs turned the ball over like it had the cooties, came down to the final minutes when the Chiefs were marching toward a touchdown and the gross taste of a possible loss to Tyler Palko began to take root in our mouths.
My husband said something about the Steelers deserving to lose the game.
I said something about “fock-yous.”
He said something about “putas.”
But then Tyler Palko-ed it right to a Steeler and all of Steeler Nation gave him an honorary spot on the roster.
11. A win is a win is a win and we’re hanging out atop the AFC North with the Ravens [patooie!].
Mike Tomlin can relax and return his attention to whatever that whole tiff was about prior to the game.