What They’re Really Thinking: Too Close for Comfort Edition

“Steelers rout turnover-prone Chiefs 37-3”

That’s what the headline SHOULD HAVE been this morning.

Or maybe something with a play on words like “Chiefs tarred and feathered by Steelers” or “Chief Little Big Doofus turns ball over 4 times in rout by Steelers.”

Is that politically incorrect? If so, my people are Arab. Feel free to make “the terrorists have won” jokes. I promise not to be offended and I’ll also let you talk bad about my camel.

That’s not a euphemism.

Let’s talk football.

1. Pre-game tailgate time in Kansas City, which is in Missouri, not Kansas, for the geographically challenged amongst you.

Pre-game fireworks fired up the crowd, which had a healthy dose of yellow towels twirling along with the lame red ones.

One of these things is berzerker than the others.


You might have trouble spotting him though on account of all the camouflage.  P.S. it was 32 degrees.

Pre-game was also the time for a skirmish involving some Steelers and Chiefs. I’m guessing it all started with jokes about mamas and then just deteriorated from there. No clue what could have been the catalyst for the rare pre-snap fight.

Luckily, Mike Tomlin stepped in and took care of business and by business I mean BIZNASS, YO.

If whoopass and Mike Tomlin’s badass were hanging up clothes, badass would punch whoopass right in the nose.

I’ve had six-year-old Starbucks liquor, since my house is out of tequila and wine. Does that explain anything yet?

2. First drive of the game, Troysus misses a tackle, then he times the snap perfectly and misses another tackle, then he kinda makes a tackle, and then he tackles himself right into a slight concussion, hitting the turf dead, like someone flipped his off switch.

And that was it for the game. Get better soon, Troysus, so we can forget how injury-prone you are.


[pops up and throws a Starbucks liquor bottle at the Troysus diehards]

3. Lucky for the Steelers though, Tyler Palko, former Pitt quarterback and one-time third-string Steelers quarterback, is throwing for the Chiefs and he is a generous soul who seems confused about this gosh-darned falootin’ game of newfangled football, turning the ball over again and again in the first half.

4. It was so bad that the Chiefs fans were booing Tyler with such great gusto, I almost started feeling bad for him. But he’s so stupid, it’s hard to feel sorry for him.

On the rare occasion that he actually threw the ball to his own teammate, the receivers got very possessive of it.

5. You would think with all those turnovers that the Steelers would capitalize on them and score “boocoo” points, as weirdos write it.  But instead, the Steelers couldn’t even capitalize their first names and we went into the half only leading by seven points and we would score not one single additional point the entire rest of the game.

That is Webster’s definition of either “ridiculous” or “batshit bonkers.”

6. Hines Ward came out of the retirement home to start the game and to catch four passes!

But then he got a hankering:

[ducks behind the dead horse’s carcass]

7. The Duke of Fug and Earl of Gross played with a broken thumb and it showed. One of his tosses had a spiral so loose, it looked like my four-year-old daughter threw it. Except I think her spiral is a tad tighter.

However, credit where credit is due, how about his tackle on the gadget play to try to give Antonio Brown some time to try to find a receiver? That was rewind worthy.

Despite a so-so performance, at one point, Chris Collinsworth said, “Ben has just been brilliant this game.”

That’s how you know Chris Collinsworth does a lot of drugs. Allegedly.

8. Max Starks had a big job and he KINDA did it. That’s all I have to say about that.

9. Mike Wallace only had two catches for 17 yards and he dropped two balls. Maybe he should spend less time working on his ballet forms.

10. Unbelievably, the outcome of this game in which the Chiefs turned the ball over like it had the cooties, came down to the final minutes when the Chiefs were marching toward a touchdown and the gross taste of a possible loss to Tyler Palko began to take root in our mouths.

My husband said something about the Steelers deserving to lose the game.

I said something about “fock-yous.”

He said something about “putas.”

But then Tyler Palko-ed it right to a Steeler and all of Steeler Nation gave him an honorary spot on the roster.

11. A win is a win is a win and we’re hanging out atop the AFC North with the Ravens [patooie!].

Mike Tomlin can relax and return his attention to whatever that whole tiff was about prior to the game.



  1. Tampa Amy
    November 28, 2011 10:52 pm

    FIRST! :)
    Almost spat out my rootbeer when I read “couldn’t even capitalize their first names” – that’s a keeper!

  2. bucdaddy
    November 28, 2011 11:26 pm

    “Hittsburgh” references will never get old.

    And many football fans impress me as being mentally ill.

  3. aunt penny
    November 29, 2011 12:15 am


    Whatever it is he’s eating, they need to feed it to the Stillers pronto.
    And he needs to teach them his superman workout.

    Imagine a stillers team of letang beast men!

  4. avsbackupguy
    November 29, 2011 12:37 am

    I want to hear the “You get an interception” part in @fsmikey’s Opra voice! lmao

  5. PG Wodehouse
    November 29, 2011 7:36 am

    So your husband called you a goddess?


  6. Moxie Bestos
    November 29, 2011 8:52 am

    I would like beaucoup – er, boocoo – Starbucks liquor, please. I’m still laughing Tomlin’s Badass and my whoopass needs some help. Coincidentally, I drank some Godiva cappuccino liqueur this weekend. The bottle was just opened. It was the same bottle that sat on the counter last Thanksgiving, unopened.

  7. Michelle B
    November 29, 2011 9:24 am

    Possibly your best WTRT ever. Bravo!

  8. bluzdude
    November 29, 2011 9:53 am

    I think that “Jete M’er F’er” should be on your next tee shirt. I’m going to be laughing about that all day.

  9. unsatisfied
    November 29, 2011 11:00 am

    first of all — nice work using the ted knight comedy. I still have the hots for lydia cornell.

    second — pity balls would make an awesome band name.

    third — splitting hairs again here, but ben didn’t make a tackle on that play. it was a block. the tackle was 6 years ago…and, it was probably the best tackle in steelers history.

    fourth — it’s cris collinsworth…not chris. he’s such a dick, he doesn’t use the “h” in his first name.

    last but not least — the hittsburgh team should be finding their way back here to fill up your comments section with all kinds of non-english, thanking you for the continued publicity….which is still funny as hell, btw.

  10. Butcher's Dog
    November 29, 2011 11:11 am

    I’m not sure whose hands Mike Wallace borrowed to play this game with, but I hope he gives them back and gets his own from the dry cleaners or wherever they were. The Bungles won’t be this easy to help self-destruct.

    @unsatisfied beat me to the correction of block/tackle. I need to type faster.

    No mention of Ike Taylor’s interception? I mean, Ike Taylor actually caught a ball. Cleanly. This could be the final sign that the apocalypse is upon us. Just sayin’.

  11. Julia
    November 29, 2011 12:26 pm

    What an interesting game that was. There were so many yellow penalty flags. I think I could count on one hand the number of plays that didn’t receive a flag.

  12. Jete'!
    November 29, 2011 1:39 pm

    Don’t know how to get accent aigues, or whatever they are, on my keyboard for my jete””?

    ANYway, @Julia, don’t you mean “what an annoying game that was”? My husband was marveling at how long we went, one stretch of the second half, without a cleanly completed play. (Maybe the refs just wish they could twirl Terrible Towels…) I responded that they’re turning this into a game for wusses. At 138 pounds, I could be on the O-line and not worry about getting hurt…

    The end of the game was looking like a repeat of our most recent loss to the Ravens, but Palco saved us!

  13. Owen
    November 29, 2011 9:16 pm

    I’m not sure what right you have to call Tyler Palko stupid when I doubt you’ve ever even met him. I suppose it’s easy to make judgments from where you sit while ignoring all that he and his family have done for the community that you claim to so proudly support. Nevermind him having a degree from a local high school and a local university, those don’t count for anything. Neither does the charity that he set up to help local children with Down Syndrome. He can’t run the offense of an opposing team to your satisfaction so let’s all sit around and rag on his IQ now.

    Next time I have that lousy waiter that I had at Las Velas last week, I’ll be sure to tell him what I really think of his IQ as well.

  14. Burghgwen
    November 29, 2011 11:25 pm

    @owen who shat in your Cheerios this morning? Are you a stealth part of the Hittaburgh crew? Get a sense of humor.

  15. Burghgwen
    November 29, 2011 11:26 pm

    *HittSburgh. Stupid iPhone.

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