Monthly Archives: December 2011
Let’s finish up a look at the memorable posts from 2011!
Don’t forget to suck it!
(That is some white white.)
— The Buccos Bandwagon gets illustrated in perfect fashion.
— A local mother gets pissed at new height requirements at Sandcastle so she calls Wendy Bell and I roll my eyes so hard I almost re-tear my carotid arteries.
— The formerly first-place Buccos are in a free-fall and I go … poop.
Bullies steal the hearing aids out of a kid’s ears and I go … BOOM!
“The bread did not cause any injuries.” Let’s all fall down laughing together!
Wicked comes to Pittsburgh and blows my mind and now I want to be a green girl.
I explode the bandwagon and Calvin has something to say about it.
Bob Pompeani gets his FREAK ON.
Someone stole a bridge. A BRIDGE. [blink] A BRIDGE!
Arron Asham goes too far.
The Bigfoot conference comes to town and brings The Squatchdetective with it.
The city gives itself parking tickets and then sues itself. Hilarity ensues.
The Penn State scandal breaks and I call for Joe Paterno’s everything.
The very next day, I discover the glory of super-cute, super-sexy Hittsburgh and the comments proceed to rock my world to the fullest.
What They’re Really Thinking: Hittsburgh Edition. ‘Cause I’m a bitch. “Way harsh, Tai.”
We just had December! If you need a recap, I suggest you get your short-term memory problems diagnosed.
It’s been a wonderful year thanks to you all and I’m looking forward to more amazing stuff to write about in 2012. I imagine the end of the world is going to bring some kickass blog fodder, especially when Lukey heads for Seven Springs just as the end times start to get burny.
I guess we have to talk about this … this … putrescence, don’t we?
The Pens lost.
The Flyers [patooie!] [stabs the Jaromir Jagr voodoo doll in the adorable damn dimples] won.
And freaking Jaromir Jagr scored a goal.
Here’s his goal. Try not to puke too violently while you watch it:
See how he skates over there and salutes someone, which is his standard goal celebration?
Guess who he chose to salute?
THE KNITTING LADY!
Guess what she did back to him?
She wins. She wins the Internet today. She wins hockey. She wins it all.
Had that been me in that chair when this happened, I would either have done some of this or gone all [BOOBS] on him.
Who can know?
God, I hate/love that gorgeous, miserable, traitorous son of a bitch.
Yeah, I hear you whining. “I hate these lists. I don’t want to read a recap or a ‘best-of’ list or wah wah wah.”
Call the wahmbulance and suck on this: A look back at 2011 on That’s Church.
Did I say “suck it” yet? Because, SUCK IT.
— Ben Roethlisberger gets engaged and I go all BLLLLLLL on the local media.
— The Steelers play the Ravens and I get scared and go all “Hell hath no fury like a Pittsburgh blogger desirous of Tom Brady’s balls on a stick.” There’s a connection.
—What They’re Really Thinking: Shit List Edition. Gotta admit, that second picture made me LOL. I can be a funny bitch when I want to be. This is also the first appearance of RANDOM DUDE NAMED BROWN. That dude just won his team’s MVP award. Wow.
— I got lost in Giant Eagle and OMG did I go OFF ON THOSE BITCHES.
— What They’re Really Thinking: AFC Championship Edition. I LOL’d again. I AM a funny bitch! I AM! Also, sorry no WTRT after last week’s game. It was Christmas Eve Day. I barely watched that game.
— The Steelers go to the Super Bowl, and the strip clubs. Bow-chicka-bow.
—What They’re Really Thinking: Super Bowl XLV Edition. Sad panda. But boy, that Christina Aguilera … WTF was she smoking?
— I start getting excited for Pirates ball. WTF was I smoking?
— An EMT gets her job back and I EXPLODE.
— I discover Fabian lives in Pittsburgh and I FREAK THE EFF OUT.
— Punxsutawney Phil was in a parade and he played possum.
— A tornado touches down in Hempfield and some yinzer dude caught in on tape in a glorious yinzer accent.
— I really really regret admitting I’m a republican.
— My brother-in-law caught a foul ball and CHANGED THE WORLD.
— Make Room for Kids 2.0 rolls out, outfitting the Frequent Fliers ward at Children’s Hospital.
— Don’t piss Dave Bondy off, people. He will whip his phone at you!
— Rashard goes all stupid on Twitter and I go crazy mad.
— My graduation party picture displays some amazing hair and my mother’s atrocious decorating skills.
— The Pirates are playing .514 ball on May 9, 2011 and I celebrate with Psych.
— My husband and BIL try to assemble a Cozy Coupe Car and hell breaks loose. This post was hit a lot this Christmas.
— Free range diaper-clad toddler take over the streets.
— Drunk Amish are kinda funny.
— I tear both of my carotid arteries (yes, we now know I tore both, which is SUPER RARE. Blockage of 50% in one and 65% in the other) and take a medical leave.
Later, we’ll look at July through December.
Jaromir Jagr is back in town tonight, as is Max Talbot, both of them playing for the hated Flyers [patooie] [stabs the Marian Hossa voodoo doll in the throat].
You have a couple of choices:
- You can choose to not boo Jagr.
- You can boo Jagr a little bit on the inside.
- You can boo Jagr a little bit on the outside. Boo.
- You can boo Jagr until your guts spill out of your mouth.
- You can boo Jagr until your vocal cords seize.
- You can boo Jagr until you forget to suck air back in, and pass out, pulling a “Friend of Jeff Reed’s.” That’s not a euphemism.
- You can boo Jagr until your face goes all Raiders of the Lost Ark facemelt and your children scream, “DADDY’S SCARING ME!” Or in my case, “MOMMY’S SCARING ME!”
But what you cannot do, what you shall not do, what you must not do, Pittsburgh, is boo Max Talbot.
I won’t allow it.
[awkward kung fu moves]
But my God, I won’t judge you one bit if you boo that Jagr jackass until your eardrums rupture at the same time your spleen does.
You know that scene in the Matrix: Revolutions where Neo is engaged in his final battle with Agent Smith and he extends his hand out and then uses his fingers to beckon the It as in “bring It?”
This post on Pittsburgh Magazine may prove that I am Neo and the Karma Boomerang is Agent Smith, except I don’t think I’ll be able to bend over backwards at the waist to avoid the boomerang’s return path.
The Post-Gazette actually led their winter weather forecast article with “Apocalypse! Doomsday! Armageddon!” and then proceeded to warn us of “Below-average temperatures. Above-average precipitation. A cold snap for the holidays—all of them.” They reported we should expect a brutally cold December with temperatures five to 10 degrees below normal.
There’s a bonus punkin’ chunkin’ video in there too!
Also up on the site is my January column in which I take a look at some lists Pittsburgh made in 2011. A snippet:
(wink) We’re the most flirtatious city in the whole country. (eyelash flutter) No. 1! (“accidental” caress of your arm) In my opinion, this is just fine, as long as you aren’t using that ridiculous “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” line — unless you’re talking to Sidney Crosby … because it may have really hurt when he fell from heaven.
Also new this month is that the column now appears on the inside back page, so it will be easier for you to find in the mag, and it now features cartoons by Wayno!