You’ll want to familiarize yourself with the “At first/But Then” meme if you aren’t already.
Also, short little recap today because I spent the morning getting a hearing aid repaired — I know what you’re thinking: SEXY! — and now I’ve got craploads to do before heading to Mt. Washington for the Cookies and Cards event!
A balmy 58 degrees in the Burgh in early December for the Steelers versus Bengals and I think we can all agree that we heart global warming just a little bit. Yes, even you, tree hugger. Just a little bit?
Oh, go hug a tree.
Anyway! Football! A meaningful game against the hated Beagles — the black and orange scurvaceous infection of the AFC North. The putrid putrescence of Ohio. The mangy feline mutts of …
You get the picture. We patooie on them with gusto.
Let’s talk football!
1. First drive of the game, the Steelers have the ball and boom, boom, boom. Three and out because Mendenhall got zero yards and then Mike Wallace got a whopping negative three yards and then Antonio Brown was all “What ball? Where?”
This is no bueno.
Ugly ugly ugly.
Then the Bengals get the ball and that ginger kid throws a 43-yard reception and all the Bengals fans in my husband’s section started chanting “WHO DEY WE DEY WHO DEY WE DEY” and they loaded up some Extra Strength Obnoxious onto the Karma Boomerang and whipped that bitch into the wind of Heinz Field forgetting one very important thing.
Boomerangs … come back.
And come back it did with a penalty that negated a Cincy touchdown and what had been a jubilant ginger (OMG. Great band name!) became a sad ginger panda (ALSO A GOOD BAND NAME!)
And his receiver went all one-eighty too:
2. And from there, things just got worse for Cincinnati. As they go to put the first points on the board with a field goal attempt, not only are they penalized five yards for delay of game, which REALLY pissed off Marvin Lewis:
… but they also managed to have their field goal attempt blocked by Cameron Heyward!
You guys, in my little notebook of game notes — in which I actually wrote out in cursive “Mrs. Conrad Lamanna Sepulveda Manganiello Montanez” — I asked myself if I’ve ever seen the Steelers block a field goal attempt before. If I have, I’ve erased it from my memory. Much as I erased from my memory the time I peed my pants in the fourth grade. You think I’m lying, but I have the emotional scars to prove it.
3. Hines Ward again refusing to stay in the nursing home and play strip cribbage, strapped on his Depends and pulled in a solid five catches!
Either he’s LOLing or the Metamucil just kicked in.
[throws a calling card on the dead horse’s carcass]
Hines broke a record yesterday by becoming only the 19th player in the NFL, and the first Steeler, to gain 12,000 yards. Wait’ll he tells Mildred, Edna and and Elmer about that!
4. When Mike Wallace went for negative yardage early on in the game, and then couldn’t haul in a pass shortly after, I began to fear for his future as a double-teamed butterfingered wide receiver. When he drew a pass interference flag, I said, “BEST THING HE’S DONE ALL DAY!” and I golf-clapped for him. Like I meant it.
I needn’t have worried because he redeemed himself by catching two touchdowns yesterday. Amazing transformation.
5. Rashard Mendenhall started the game kinda zzzzzzz. Three yards. Six yards. One yard. One yard. KAH-CHING KAH-CHING! RACKING UP THE YARDS HERE, BAYBEES!
Good thing he has that Incredible Hulk gene, because he transformed from a harmless ball of fluff into a touchdown-scoring monster, earning the Steelers two touchdowns off of his legs.
The Steelers had 21 points on the board before the Bengals managed to finally score a touchdown, and that’s all the points we would allow them to score, with Antonio Brown running a punt back for a touchdown shortly thereafter, helping the Steelers in walloping Cincy to the tune of 35-7, afterwhich the commentators were all, “Cincy can’t let this game get to them. It’s just one game. It’s not the end of the season. They’re still in the hunt. They don’t need to hang their heads. They’ll get ’em next time.”
Whereas if the Steelers had lost, they’d have been all, “My God, the carnage of this season for the Pittsburgh Steelers is rank with the fetid stench of decaying hopes and rotting dreams. These men need to go home. Kiss their wives. Kiss their kids. Pray to their gods. Their season is as good as done.”
This Thursday, Cleveland comes for a little visit and not to jinx it, but I’m predicting we win by a margin of 142. Ben will throw for 750 yards. EVERYONE will score a touchdown, even Shaun Suisham. Prayers will be prayed. Pants will be shat. The NFL will consider instituting a mercy rule.
It’s going to be a beautiful thing.