The Prodigal Suck Returns

First, an aside. Whenever I meet new people and I am introduced as a blogger who writes a site called “That’s Church,” the person I’m being introduced to invariably gets a look on his or her face like, “So she’s a Jesus-freak.” I bet I’d get less of a reaction if I’d named it That’s Satan.

Second! This:

I have selective memory or something because when I heard this news I was all, “Wait. Don’t we hate Nate McLouth? Didn’t he suck as a Pirate?!”

I had to go back and hunt through my blog to find this post that shows that no, apparently, Nate didn’t suck that bad when he was traded away:

Regis says, “Every time they get a good player, like Jason Bay, they lose him…”

Um, we don’t lose our good players, Reeg. The Buccos management is not running around the clubhouse all, “Have you seen Jason Bay?  Freddy Sanchez? Nate McLouth?  I left them right here and now they’re gone.  Check the closets!”

The management traded those good players away because the management has dollar signs for brains.

Apparently what happened, you guys, is that Nate McLouth started sucking upon his departure from the Pirates, which is unusual because when players leave the Pirates, they often start playing their Best Baseball Ever. “I’m HEALED!” That’s Satan.

Granted we got Charlie Morton in the McLouth trade, and depending on the month, that makes you either say, “Best trade ever!” or “God. Charlie Morton is a black hole of suck that is sucking more suck into its gaping abyss-like hole of suck.”

So, how’s Nate been doing? Well! SUCKY!

He hit .190 with the Braves in 2010, then – and this is the really scary part – only batted .234 after being demoted to Class AAA. Then he hit .228 with the Braves in 2011. I’m not saying his batting average is the best indicator of his value, obviously, only pointing out that a guy who provides little defensive value and repeatedly struggles to hit .230 as he heads into his 30s doesn’t seem likely to contribute.

Pirates management said to themselves we let a good player go and he finally started sucking, and that means we can welcome him back into the familial fold of suck. 

Not that I won’t root for Nate, because I will, HARD. I’ll have a Nate’s Nutsos section on the bandwagon, but the management sure seems like they are doing their damndest to keep the Suckitude in the Buccos of Suckitude.

That’s Satan.

Also, Familial Fold of Suck. BAND NAME!

P.S. If Nate McLouth bats higher than Pedro Alvarez, I will uglycry-laugh so hard, they’ll commit me.


  1. Zach
    December 7, 2011 10:51 am

    He’ll be a fourth outfielder, and may benefit from playing at PNC Park again. I don’t expect that he’ll start that often, or I’ll ugly cry too.

  2. Paul
    December 7, 2011 1:11 pm

    As long as they don’t give him a ton of money, he won’t be any worse than any of the other “talent” that has patrolled the outfield of Ye Olde Pnc Park.

  3. unsatisfied
    December 7, 2011 1:11 pm

    next year’s the year!

  4. Butcher's Dog
    December 7, 2011 1:59 pm

    Um, I kind of liked Xavier Paul when he wasn’t pinch-hitting. At least he could throw like a professional. And it would be a case of Pedro hitting less than Nate, not the other way around.

  5. spoon
    December 7, 2011 2:09 pm


    its gonna happen… someday.

  6. AngryMongo
    December 7, 2011 3:33 pm

    Why don’t they just send the entire franchise to AAA and then we can sit back and count the championships? It could happen… right?

  7. Ed
    December 7, 2011 4:38 pm

    I don’t think the opposite of “That’s Church” is actually “That’s Satan”. I defy anyone to find more than one of two silly Satan worshipers in the ‘burgh, or anywhere else.

    I think the real opposite is something more like “That’s Humanist Cultural Center”. Apparently a study found that religious or the sort of religious I go on holidays and some Sundays view atheists as no more trustworthy than rapists ( I think you would be safe from anyone thinking you were a Jesus freak if you renamed your blog That’s Humanist Cultural Center.

  8. bucdaddy
    December 7, 2011 4:55 pm

    If I said that Nate played way over his head that year and really wasn’t THAT good, or that he didn’t really deserve his Gold Glove, or that we didn’t get just Charlie Morton, we also got a couple guys who have been toiling in the minors and whose ETAs are “Any minute now,” or that it’s pretty evident we completely hosed the Braves in that deal, would that help?

    Nate’s fine for what he’ll be, a 4th/5th outfielder and backup plan for when Tabata and Presley (inevitably) get hurt for a few weeks.

  9. Sam's Dog
    December 7, 2011 8:07 pm

    @ Spoon, got into that homebrew already, huh?

  10. Duncan
    December 7, 2011 8:17 pm

    Wait – wasn’t it you holding the reins to the Pirates band waggon last summer? LOL. Bring back the Buccos of Suckitude! With one glimpse at doing well (that obviously corrected itself and then straight back to sucking) I’m not holding my breath.

  11. spoon
    December 9, 2011 10:05 pm

    @Sam’s Dog I’m loving it!

  12. Sam's Dog
    December 10, 2011 5:22 am

    Spoon, you do realize ’tis the season of sharing, right?