City Paper Best of 2011

City Paper released their Best of 2011 list today and here’s my assessment of some of the rankings:

1. He waz robbed.

Sorry. Always vote for Patrick Jordan. He steals the show without trying to and his comedic timing is beyond brilliant.

2. WOO!

You know I love me some Mace Ballard and not just because I made the liner notes of their latest release, but since I did and we’re here, let me be an egomaniacal bitch for ten more seconds. Ahem. Are you looking at me? Directly into my eyeballs?! Also, I asked for next Thursday’s edition of the Post-Gazette and I don’t see it anywhere! RED ROSES?! RED ROSES!? I specifically demanded Hello Kitty-pink roses! Heads will roll! Eyeballs will be ejected from their sockets. Tongues will–“

Time’s up.

3. Let me name your next metal band:

Not that I’ve heard of any of these bands, but I’m sorry, Dethlehem should clearly be Deathlehem, if I’m naming it, and Seas We Fear to Sail is no Puss Explosion of the Jujuni, that’s for damn sure, but I will definitely say [golf clap] to Motorpsychos. That’s awesome.

4. On the To Visit list:

You already know how devoted I am to Wildcard, but I’ve been hearing lots of good things about Kards Unlimited too, and as long as it’s not owned by the Kardashian Ksisters (what? I thought they puts Ks in front of everything), I’m due to discover its charms.

5. Where’s Bocktown?!

6. Bitchslaps for everyone!

Tim Benz beat out Randy Baumann?!

You get a bitchslap! You get a bitchslap! ERRYBODDDYY GETS A BITCHSLAAAAP!

7. Mars?

On what the hell planet is Hines Ward more attractive than Sidney Crosby or Troy Polamalu? Are people being blinded by his bald head?

8. Hell hath no fury:

And you thought things were already tense between Wendy Bell and Sally Wiggin. They’re going to be slipping goat pee into each other’s wrinkle creams pretty soon.

9. In Soviet Russia …

Geno is going DOWN next year, I don’t care if I have to tweet pictures of my bare ankles to make it happen. I’ll call it sextankling. Or maybe Ksextankling. Hawt.

10. Everybody was high when they filled out this survey:

Who are you people who voted for Luke? Have you read my blog?!



  1. empirechick
    December 9, 2011 1:02 pm

    The travesty isn’t Tim Benz beating Randy, it’s that Jim Krenn beat Randy. WHAT!?! Jimmy’s a good guy and does great things for charity, but he’s way past his prime. He wasn’t on this week, and I barely noticed. When Randy’s out for even one day, they have to bring in a comedian and play music all morning.

  2. PensFan024
    December 9, 2011 1:06 pm

    Dethlehem is awesome. And, the perform in full chainmail.

  3. MJ
    December 9, 2011 1:44 pm

    Personally, I think you could make money off of showing your ankles, but I’ll vote for you either way. No disrespect to Geno intended.

  4. Mia
    December 9, 2011 1:54 pm

    So, can we replace Hines Ward with Kris Letang?

  5. JennyMoon
    December 9, 2011 2:05 pm

    Congrats n’at!!!!!

  6. jennviolet
    December 9, 2011 2:12 pm

    Motorpsychos don’t even play anymore…wtf? As far as I know they’re no longer a band! Plus, Tim Benz is a pee-on dwarf. Oddly enough, he dated the chick from Motorpsychos.

    Congrats to you though!

  7. Butcher's Dog
    December 9, 2011 2:33 pm

    Well, back when we were in the competition for awesomeness among counties, bucdaddy informed me that second place was the first loser. Probably doesn’t apply to the twitter ratings, though.

  8. Christina
    December 9, 2011 3:23 pm

    No 7)

    Mars? Not far away enough. Pluto … I’d say.

    Where are your self united husbands? That’s eye candy. And I am not kidding.

    And yes to Mia – Mr. “I miss you so much on the ice, that I am crying into my #58 jersey every night – I really do!” sex(y – I like it better with y) hair Letang is missing as well.

  9. Mimi
    December 9, 2011 3:43 pm

    No disrespect to Hines/Sid/Troy, but Daniel Sepulveda on last night’s pre-game show made me sit up and say, “How YOU doin’.”

  10. Stephen
    December 9, 2011 5:13 pm

    Why did Mikey & Big Bob get lumped together, but Krenn and Baumann are seperate? That just split the DVE vote. Its a poorly written question and unfair.

  11. spoon
    December 9, 2011 9:53 pm

    Sharp Edge best selection? Maybe if overpriced is your basis for “best”

  12. Scott
    December 10, 2011 10:38 am

    Spoon, name a place with a larger selection than Sharp Edge. Also, most of their beers are craft brews…they aren’t cheap. It is, hands down, the best beer place in the region.

    Stick with Iron City, buddy.

    Ginny…you need to get to Shadyside more.

  13. bucdaddy
    December 10, 2011 11:17 am

    5. Sharp Edge specializes in Belgians and a higher-end menu than most beer bars. Of course it’s pricier.

    My go-to when I’m up that way, since it means I don’t have to GO TO (see what I did there?) the city, is usually Pittsburgh Bottleshop Cafe in Collier Twp.

    10. Ravenstahl has the job until he dies.

  14. becky
    December 10, 2011 2:49 pm

    Scott and bucdaddy — sharp edge’s prices are exorbitant. They outprice a beer I can get at Bocktown by at least a buck or two (a regular old craft, not Belgian). And, at least at my local Sharp Edge, service sucks. So, I’m with Spoon on this one.

  15. Butcher's Dog
    December 11, 2011 11:09 am

    If any of yinz are ever in Myrtle Beach, wander into the Mellow Mushroom. Sounds like a stoner place for aging hippies, but it serves some amazing pizzas and has a wide variety of local and national beers on tap. Just tryin’ to share the bounties of my travel experience. ‘N ‘at.

  16. Sam's Dog
    December 11, 2011 1:09 pm

    Nice goin’, spoon. Apparently Scott’s sensibilities have been offended once again. What a tool. Met me at Patricks and I’ll gladly buy you an Iron, or more likely any one of their good craft brews.
    Keep your Belgians, I’ll stick with regional brewers anyday. USA!USA!

  17. bucdaddy
    December 11, 2011 2:14 pm


    Well, yeah. I kinda meant it’s pricey overall, but I’m guessing that’s to help support specializing in Belgians. Sharps’, nevertheless, is down my list of places I prefer, though I try to give the one in Peters some love, just cause I’m glad it’s there.

    Oh, and I tend to think Fat Heads is overrated. For SouthSide bars, I prefer Smokin’ Joe’s, just down the street on East Carson.

  18. Shona
    December 13, 2011 2:39 am

    So all of Pittsburgh’s “celebrity women” are newscasters? What about Kiya Tomlin? My goodness!