- December 9, 2011
- filed under Evgeni Malkin, Mayor Ravenstahl, Sidney Crosby, Steelers, Troy Polamalu
City Paper released their Best of 2011 list today and here’s my assessment of some of the rankings:
1. He waz robbed.
Sorry. Always vote for Patrick Jordan. He steals the show without trying to and his comedic timing is beyond brilliant.
You know I love me some Mace Ballard and not just because I made the liner notes of their latest release, but since I did and we’re here, let me be an egomaniacal bitch for ten more seconds. Ahem. Are you looking at me? Directly into my eyeballs?! Also, I asked for next Thursday’s edition of the Post-Gazette and I don’t see it anywhere! RED ROSES?! RED ROSES!? I specifically demanded Hello Kitty-pink roses! Heads will roll! Eyeballs will be ejected from their sockets. Tongues will–“
3. Let me name your next metal band:
Not that I’ve heard of any of these bands, but I’m sorry, Dethlehem should clearly be Deathlehem, if I’m naming it, and Seas We Fear to Sail is no Puss Explosion of the Jujuni, that’s for damn sure, but I will definitely say [golf clap] to Motorpsychos. That’s awesome.
4. On the To Visit list:
You already know how devoted I am to Wildcard, but I’ve been hearing lots of good things about Kards Unlimited too, and as long as it’s not owned by the Kardashian Ksisters (what? I thought they puts Ks in front of everything), I’m due to discover its charms.
5. Where’s Bocktown?!
6. Bitchslaps for everyone!
Tim Benz beat out Randy Baumann?!
You get a bitchslap! You get a bitchslap! ERRYBODDDYY GETS A BITCHSLAAAAP!
On what the hell planet is Hines Ward more attractive than Sidney Crosby or Troy Polamalu? Are people being blinded by his bald head?
8. Hell hath no fury:
And you thought things were already tense between Wendy Bell and Sally Wiggin. They’re going to be slipping goat pee into each other’s wrinkle creams pretty soon.
9. In Soviet Russia …
Geno is going DOWN next year, I don’t care if I have to tweet pictures of my bare ankles to make it happen. I’ll call it sextankling. Or maybe Ksextankling. Hawt.
10. Everybody was high when they filled out this survey:
Who are you people who voted for Luke? Have you read my blog?!