So, remember this statement I made?
This Thursday, Cleveland comes for a little visit and not to jinx it, but I’m predicting we win by a margin of 142. Ben will throw for 750 yards. EVERYONE will score a touchdown, even Shaun Suisham. Prayers will be prayed. Pants will be shat. The NFL will consider instituting a mercy rule.
It’s going to be a beautiful thing.
Pants were definitely shat, just not in the manner, duration, and thoroughness that I expected. And certainly not by the people I expected to be doing the shatting.
Let’s see who shat and talk some football.
1. Shat is a great word. I’d like to hear the President work it smoothly into a State of the Union Address and watch all the republicans faint dead into the aisles.
2. If I told you two days ago that the score of the Browns/Steelers game would be 7 to 3 at halftime, and would still be 7-3 when the fourth quarter rolled around, on a scale of 1 to LRAD, how loudly would you have told me to shut my whore mouth?
My dad is probably all, “A BILLION!” Mostly he’s just upset that he couldn’t call Elvis’ leaving of the building until way too late in the game.
So crazy. The Browns actually put the first points on the board with a field goal after a touchdown was overturned, and the Steelers answered with a Cotchery touchdown, and then it was mayhem.
Absolute pants-shitting mayhem.
Man, Pants-Shitting Mayhem. Great metal band name.
“Mom, can I get tickets to see Pants-Shitting Mayhem in concert?”
“It depends on who is shitting their pants. Your laundry is already disturbing to me.“
It’s 2:48 and I’ve had tequila to help me write this, so you can take your request for lucid writing and bite me with it. Or something.
3. Hines touched the ball one time last night and it was a fumble early in the second quarter, after which he called the Sit and Be Fit lady and asked her to talk dirty to him.
Do you see this dead horse here? What more can I do to it? I’ve kicked it and beat it and taunted it. I’ve called it names fit for Tom Brady.
4. And Troysus saw the fumble and behold, it was very bad. And on the next drive, he created an interceptionary opportunity and he saw the interceptionary opportunity and he did take it and he said …
That’s in the Bible right after God created Zima and Nutella. True story.
5. Then right after that Heath fumbles! Steeler Nation is aghast.
Albert Einstein resurrects himself because he can’t believe this shit that’s going down, so he creates a formula, carries the one and discovers THIS SHIT IS REALLY GOING DOWN and it’s not just mayhem, it’s PURE MADNESS.
If that madness wasn’t pants-shittingly mad enough for you, then have I got a special deal for you!
Ben Roethlisberger is injured after 750 pounds of random Browns fall on his ankle and he can’t get up.
Ben is taken immediately to the locker room.
The Elderly Batch, as we call him, is tasked with leading the team against the Browns and he does so by handing off a bunch and trying two passes, both of which are incomplete and all of Steeler Nation is wondering who our backup quarterback is now and guess who it is?
THE ELDERLY WARD!
6. Halftime. The score is 7-3. Ben is injured, probably out for the season. Nothing is going right. Everything is wrong. Tequila is helping. Prayers are prayed. Effigies are burned. Pants, yes, are shat.
What’s this? Ben is warming up? The X-rays are negative? They taped Ben’s ankle up and he’s going to play?!
HE IS! Here’s Ben walking to the line of scrimmage and he is walking exactly like Thelma in Mama’s Family, and Hines Ward goes, “Mmmmmmammmmma! Rowr.” I think he has a thing for old-lady pantyhose.
So Ben walks to take a snap, butt out. Feet flat. Steps high. Very sexy.
And VERY TOUGH! Remember when I teased him about his ridiculous ouchy thumb some seasons ago? I take that all back.
Ben, is a badass unseen since the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
7. After halftime, we’re at Cleveland’s two-yard-line and it is first and goal. We got this.
Except we don’t because we go for it on fourth and goal and we hit a brick wall! No score! Cleveland’s ball. PANTS SHITTING MADNESS! BERSERKNESS IS RUNNING RAMPANT!
9. James Harrison absolutely destroys Colt McCoy, sending him to the ground like he tossed him an elephant. The hit is sure to draw a fine, and deservedly so. And poor Colt McCoy. He doesn’t even remember who he is anymore.
8. We get the ball back, but guess what? INTERCEPTION! Then we intercept Cleveland thanks to William Gay! It’s late in the fourth quarter and the score is still 7-3 and EVERYWHERE YOU TURN IT IS COMPLETE MADNESS!
Drastic measures are taken by both teams as the Browns attempt the general-directedness farting curse:
But the Steelers go one further and just slip all the Browns some roofies.
Roofies worked! Touchdown, Antonio Brown!
9. The Steelers are up 14-3 and the madness is finally over.
EXCEPT IT’S NOT!
Two interceptions on the Browns’ last drive would be negated by a replay and a penalty by William Gay, respectively, before my father is finally able to bid Elvis adieu.
And as Elvis walked out he was all, “Anybody got any extra pants I can borrow?”