Each year the Steelers release a Christmas video. Their way of wishing their fans a happy holiday while showcasing some of the most terrible singing skills since I sang “Silent Night” twenty minutes ago and my daughter screamed at me to “STOP!” and my dog whined pathetically and then shat the rug.
You know you can’t sing when you make animals lose complete control of their bowels.
This year the Steelers are releasing four videos of Christmas carols sung by the team and the first video is up at Steelers.com featuring Mike Tomlin, the defensive line, the tight ends [wink], and the kickers.
First up is the defensive line singing “Winter Wonderland” in the style of Drunk at the Office Christmas Party. I particularly love the coach who is concentrating so hard to read the words on the cue cards that his brain very nearly starts smoking.
Then the tight ends are singing “Sleigh Ride” in the style of Preschool Christmas Sing-Along Spectacular. They are frozen. Lifeless. Only their lips are moving.
All that’s missing is a girl in the front repeatedly pulling her dress over her head to show the audience her Elmo underwear. That’s usually the role my daughter plays every year. Except this year she played “Girl who needs to pee urgently.” We’re so proud.
And finally the kickers are up:
I’m sorry, but I can’t hear past all the LOUD PORN ‘STACHES.
Somebody put a Schick in their stockings, would ya?
That’s not a euphemism.