Monthly Archives: January 2012

Screw New York and New England. I’m rooting for Pittsburgh.

I missed my chance to vote for this, but Doritos held a commercial contest in which viewers were asked to vote their favorite among five finalists, with the winning commercial being shown during the Super Bowl and earning a $50,000 prize with a chance for a million dollar prize.

One of those five finalists was Burgher Joby Harris whose “Birds of Prey” commercial is absolutely hysterical. I’m assuming the bird being portrayed is a pigeon because what other bird acts that aggressive over chips?

Go have a watch! I think it’s a winner.

If I wrote that commercial, the dude would have puked up his Doritos onto the sidewalk and then immediately snarfed them back down again.

And then I would have appeared on screen and punted him to Mars.

[awkward kung fu moves]





47 pictures

Late posting today because I spent the entirety of the morning and early afternoon at Burgh Baby‘s house taking her DSLR for Beginners course where I learned what my camera buttons actually do! I had no clue that I could change my aperture or my ISO or my shutter speed. I had no idea why my camera was always blinking at me. I had no clue why some pictures would come out too bright and others too dark, despite the fact that they were taken in the same room.

Now my eyes have been opened and if you thought I was annoying before, just you wait. It’s going to get all manual up in this piece.

I learned how to take portraits:
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How to adjust shutter speed and ISO so that this cool silhouette effect takes over:

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About ten seconds after that picture, the cat tried to bitchslap that apple good. I guess cats don’t like apples. Just like they hate everyone and everything on the planet. Cats are hateful.

I learned how to take pictures of water and to use my shutter speed to change how the water looks:

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I learned how to find interesting angles and compositions:

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I learned that the actual Burgh Baby has lots of freaky looking dolls that probably talk in their sleep:
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I learned that some dogs actually let you take pictures of them whereas my dog sees the camera and calls up his friend the cat all, “Teach me how you do that bitchslap thing.”
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And I learned that chocolate chip cookie dough dip is delicious and photogenic:

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Probably could have lightened that up a bit.

More Pittsburgh posting soon, but for now, I hope you enjoyed these pictures! If not, maybe you’ll enjoy the 47 pictures I took of YOUR MOM.





Random n’at

1. My Texan sister Tina Fey, as I call her because she has a wicked sense of humor and used to wear Tina Fey-like glasses until she went and got Lasik like the rich bitch she is (she will protest that in the comments, but I know the truth and that is this: bitch is rich), as you know has a hair blog in which she’s growing out her “hideous” hair (I think it’s cute), and I hinted before she also has a mom blog (DEAR GOD, THE HORROR!), and I’ve held off linking you to that mom blog but I cannot hold off any longer (this sentence will appear in the next Guinness Book of World Records under “Most Unnecessarily Parenthetically Profuse Sentence of All Time”).

“The Pioneer Woman Can Suck It” is the title of the post that has already started to go viral and the name of the blog is My Toddler is a Supervillain, and yes, her toddler might grow up to be a supervillain. He’s evilgenius in a fantastic sort of way when he’s your nephew and not your son.

As your son? He drives you to drink.

2. A local woman is the world’s biggest Barbra Streisand fan with boxes and boxes of memorabilia. She even thinks she looks and sings like Barbra. She also admits she would save her Barbra tchotchke’s first instead of her husband if her house ever caught fire.

You must go watch this video.

“This is my life; Barbra Streisand is my life,” she says.

I am not saying this woman is crazy, but she might have a touch of the cray-cray.

3. Let’s check in on Jim Lokay since he left Pittsburgh for Boston.

WHOA!

Jim, Joey Lawrence called and he would like his whoa! back.

Also, lucky Jim is traveling to Indianapolis to cover the Super Bowl and to hopefully put the stink-eye on Tom Brady, by kicking him in the huevos. That’s called a Mexican Stinkeye. True story.

4. Blossom was a terrific show, yes?

5. While we’re being all retro, except for those of you born in the nineties and aughts (is that right? I’m geriatric, so I could be wrong), check out these blasts from the past I found on Pinterest:

And these. Not just cassettes (used to be a thing, whippersnappers), but Memorex Cassettes onto which I taped (you say ‘burned’ now, whippersnappers) lots of Whitney Houston, Debbie Gibson, New Kids on the Block, and maybe some music from the Coreys.

I’m like half a decade from watching Jeopardy with a bowl of hard tack candy, aren’t I?

6. Pittsburgh’s Milk Truck continues to garner national attention.

My son and I saw the Milk Truck outside of the Children’s Museum last fall.

“What’s that, Mom?”

“The Milk Truck! It’s a place for moms to go and nurse their babies.”

“Oh. The roof looks like a giant boob.”

Probably I should teach him a better word for it. Like breasticle (tm @mindbling).

7. Pittsburgh is the sixth most literate city in the country.

Suck it, Portland.

WHAT?

8. Pittsburgh-filmed “One for the Money” is getting destroyed by reviewers and managed only $11 million in its opening weekend. Star Katherine Heigl studied at the school of Don’t Be Sienna Miller and had only good things to say about our city:

“There is no paparazzi in Pittsburgh. We had no problem with that. It was awesome,” Heigl said.

Heigl also loved the people and Pittsburghese.

“A lot of our crew was local and my driver was local. Just great people. Just grounded, down to Earth people. The accent I think is awesome. I can’t do it,” Heigl said.

Let me help you. Down, dahn. Tire, tahr. Power, pahr. Fire, fahr. Grocery cart, buggy. You, yinz. Mayor, Hizzoner Master Lil Lukey Ray Ray.

9. Four Steelers made the ESPN NFL Any Era team.

10. Okay. Gotta go wait for the Dish Network man. Gonna sit on my porch with a sawed-off shotgun. Just for shits and giggles.





Fight fight fight fight …

If you missed it, 93.7’s The Fan’s John Phillips went a bit Mark Madden in the comments to this post, and stands by his statement that Crosby’s career is “all but over”:

As for my original point, I do have a bit of a clue as to what I’m talking about, as it is my job to look into matters of this nature.  What narrow minded, small brained jabber heads like yourself tend to do is ignore what’s best in a situation like this and selfishly say…’yeah he has no idea what he’s talking about.  Sid’s going to be just fine.”  Really?  What medical expertise are you relying on to determine this?  The facts are head injuries are a total crapshoot.  None of the so called ‘experts’ have any idea what’s ailing Sid.  What is truly in his best interest is not playing again.  But as we all know, the selfish, narrow view of a yinzer is not to think of others, but to think only of what satisfies themselves.

The Kid is hurt and he’s hurt real bad.  He’s better off not playing and getting on with the rest of his life before he gets (maybe) back on the ice only to suffer a catastrophic blow to his noggin, leaving him a vegetable the rest of his life.

Look at Boston’s Marc Savard or St. Louis’s David Perron, both of whom began the year as question marks due to nagging concussion issues.  Kieth Primeau, Marc Savard, Steve Moore, Dean Chynoweth, Eric Lindros…the list is growing and won’t stop here.

Face the music Penguins fans, Sid’s career is all but over.  If, IF he plays again, it won’t take long for one hit to end what could have been a great career.  That is why he should stop playing now and count his blessings, as many of you so called Pens fans should.  Stop putting your selfish needs in front of the mans health.  There are thousands of players that would kill to have the career he did.

First, I don’t understand what “all but over” means. Really.

Second, I don’t think there’s a Pens fan alive who hasn’t internally wondered if Sidney’s career is over. John has valid points, but is, in my opinion, being a bit ridiculous in stating with absolute authority that Sid’s career is “all but over.” We don’t want it to be. But we fret it might be. At least I do. And I’ve decided to extrapolate that to the Pens fan universe, so suck it.

Third, I haven’t heard much selfishness at all from Pens fans. I’ve heard “Get better, Sid, for as long as it takes” and I’ve heard, “Maybe we need to look at a future without Sid,” and I’ve heard, “Sidney Crosby is not the Pittsburgh Penguins,” and I’ve heard, “Maybe we shouldn’t extend a new contract to Sid,” but I haven’t heard, “SIDNEY BETTER COME BACK TO HOCKEY AND I DON’T CARE IF THAT MEANS HE HAS TO BE A VEGETABLE AT 30 YEARS OLD. I HAVE NEEDS, DAMN IT.”

Fourth, “Narrow minded, small-brained jabber heads” is the new “PittGirl Cult of Personality Rose-Colored Glasses.”

Fifth, while my husband probably does, because he listens to The Fan all the time, I have no idea who John Phillips is. Off to the Google! Update: Found him on Twitter!

P.S. News hit this weekend that Sid went to a specialist in California to get his neck looked at and there it was discovered that he also injured his neck at some point, but that the injury is fully healed. The reason Sid got his neck checked is because his friend TOM BRADY told him to.

Dear Tom Brady, one good deed for our Captain does not erase years and years of hate, you Ugg-wearing, chin-dimpled succubusian concubinical cheating asshole.

P.P.S. Football makes me a violent potty-mouth. Sorry, Dad.





All in the family and not in a good way

I bet you saw that title and thought, “Oh! I bet this is a West Virginia post!”

Ba-ba-BAH! Try the veal!

But it’s not about West Virginia; it’s about nepotism in the local court system as revealed by Post-Gazette.

Jobs are scarce. Good jobs are scarcer. Unless you know a particular judge, apparently.

Walk in to Allegheny County President Judge Donna Jo McDaniel’s courtroom on any given day, and you will likely encounter her tipstaff, who also serves as her executive assistant and just happens to be her daughter.

If you need to inquire about jury service, you could speak with the assistant director of jury operations — Judge McDaniel’s son-in-law.

And if he can’t help you out, you could talk to his boss in the county office building: Judge McDaniel’s other daughter.

And, in the event you need information about paying costs or restitution for pretrial services, you could speak with Judhttp://thatschurch.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=13151&action=editge McDaniel’s other son-in-law.

No fewer than four relatives of the top judge in the county work for the court system.

My goodness. There’s nepotism and then there’s starting a torrid affair with nepotism.

And there’s more!

• Judge Paul F. Lutty Jr., whose wife is his judicial secretary;

• Judge Donald E. Machen, whose wife is his law clerk;

• Judge Joseph M. James, whose son is his tipstaff;

• Judge W. Terrence O’Brien, whose brother is his tipstaff;

• Judge Dwayne Woodruff, whose daughter is his law clerk;

• Judge John T. McVay Jr., whose sister-in-law is his secretary.

But it’s okay.

I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the most qualified candidates for all of these positions just happened to be the judges’ relatives.

Life is just kismet-y like that sometimes.