What They’re Really Thinking: SON! Edition

We had my parents, who were returning from an extended vacation in Texas and Virginia, over for dinner during the game yesterday, so I spent most of the first half running in-between the kitchen (where I was whipping up a batch of steak fajitas) to the living room every time I heard my father shout “YES!” or “NO!”

“NO!”

[stampeding herd of elephants enters the living room]

“What?! What’d I miss?”

“He missed a field goal.”

“How long was it?”

“Not that long.”

“Effer. If we lose by three, I’ll disown him.”

Later:

“YES! YES!”

[stampeding herd of buffalo enters the living room while licking refried beans off of a wooden spoon.]

“What? What’d I miss?!”

“Pappy’s scaring me.”

“Hines made another catch. He’s only three away.”

“[kicks the dead horse].”

It goes without saying that I must have the only house in America without a television in the kitchen.

My first-world problem sucks harder than your first-world problem.

Let’s talk football and the coming of Tim Tebow. Amen.

1. If you had to spend eternity on a deserted island with me either kicking the “Giant Freshly Showered Penis” dead horse or the “Hines Ward is old” dead horse, which do you choose? WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?!

Choose wisely because I am the Queen of Dead Horse Kicking.

Bow before your queen.

2. Because I was running back and forth for the entire putrid first half, we’ll not go through this chronologically, but rather “how I remembered it-cally.”

The first thing I remember is that Sean Suisham missed a field goal.

As Schmidt said in New Girl, “Judaism, son!”

No wait, I mean, “No cinco de sexy,” which I think means “YOU SUCK, KICKER BOY.”

3.  If you don’t watch New Girl, you can’t be my friend.

YouTube Preview Image

No, I’m not Jewish, but that’s hysterical shit. If I ever meet Troy Polamalu, I’m going to shout, “Christianity, son! [throws signs]”

My poor father is probably all, “I think I need to boycott this piece of shit blog … SON.”

4. Daniel-san!

I’m not drunk. Which is surprising considering how terrible this post is going.

5. The next thing I remember is that Hines Ward got the five catches he needed to secure his spot as a thousand catch man, which is a big deal.

He averaged 4.8 yards per catch and his 1000th catch was for negative yards which is fantastic if YOU’RE 98 YEARS OLD!

I’m kidding of course.

Prior to the game, he spent a bit of time warming up with Benny:

See, even Benny thinks it’s funny!

Also, this is the part where I remind you that I’m older than Hines Ward and I think vanilla Ensures are terrific.

Sob.

There was one awesome catch where Hines leaped high in the air thinking his defender was going to go low on him, except his defender didn’t and Hines got flipped like a flapjack at Pamela’s.

Hines smiled the entire time, but his hips were more concerned about the fall they were about to take:

All kidding aside, I’m really happy for Hines and you mark my words, that old bastard is going to have a game-making play in the playoffs.

6. Cotchery is all right, even if he is preventing Tyler Grisham from making the roster.

6. Rashard Mendenhall blew out his knee in the first quarter, bringing in Isaac Redman to replace him, possibly for the remainder of the post-season.

I’m not a huge Rashard fan, but I’m just not seeing where Isaac Redman is better. Especially not after his fumbletastic performance yesterday, in which he lost TWO balls, letting the Browns hang in there in a game when they should have fallen off in the third minute of the first quarter like an unlucky “hang in there” poster kitten.

 

7. Once again random MVP named Brown makes a stellar catch, against his helmet no less, and this is a repeat of the first time we met random dude named Brown!

January 16, 2011:

January 1, 2012:

Who needs two arms?

8. Benny.

Hang-in-there-cat says:

He’s definitely still hurting on account of how many feet he threw balls at. He has a week to get mobile.

9. Next week we have to take on Tim Tebow and the Holy Onward Christian Soldiers.

I’m just a little worried because Tebow Time is so inconsistent. It takes a few weeks off and then it smites you up the butthole with a lightning bolt of smitey fiery destruction.

Whenever my family is together and there’s a Tim Tebow game on, we love to crack the jokes.

“Well, Denver won. Looks like it’s time for a mass conversion on the field.”

“Get the fire hose and baptize ’em all!”

“He should just run around the field smacking everyone in the forehead yelling, ‘Be saved!'”

We’re Christians, by the way. Your mileage may vary.

My father LOVES Tim Tebow. If he had to choose between spending eternity on a deserted island with Tim Tebow or George Bush, I don’t think he could choose.

So it will be fun to watch him root for the Steelers against Tim Tebow, God’s second-favorite human.

It’s okay though. We have God’s first-favorite human on our side:

Not him!

HIM:

Amen, hallelujah, and that is church.





22 Comments

  1. Ms. Redd
    January 2, 2012 4:45 pm

    Ginny- are you sure you weren’t drinking? You called Ben “Bennie” several times and not once the Duke of Fug. You getting soft, Son?



  2. Aileen
    January 2, 2012 7:22 pm

    I’m happy for Hines. Good for Old Yeller – as he likes to call himself on his radio show.

    The thing that’s got my brain in knots is the Jets’ Santonio Holmes thing. Santonio Holmes as a captain? What is that all about?



  3. cmd_45
    January 2, 2012 7:32 pm

    @ Lisa,

    Hahahahaha! I always knew the mistake by the lake was good for something!



  4. Ginny's Dad
    January 2, 2012 8:13 pm

    I hope Tebow has the opportunity to be a gracious loser on Sunday but I feel like I am rooting against God. God is more concerned about what is going on in the world, but He will be watching ….. and possibly intervening. In fact, God already knows the outcome but He hasn’t revealed it to me.



  5. Butcher's Dog
    January 2, 2012 9:09 pm

    Remember, we’re in this position in the first place because we let Baltimore go 92 yards in about 2 minutes and couldn’t get off the damn field. We’ve made this bed and now we have to lie in it. I’ll hope for the best, but I’m not expecting much. Just sayin’.



  6. Lisa
    January 2, 2012 10:44 pm

    Hey Mister Ginny’s Dad Sir, I think you’re covered with God:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/13ball/2179351575/
    His kid seems pretty fond of the Steelers ;-)



  7. Butcher's Dog
    January 3, 2012 6:56 am

    @Lisa: looks like the same guy they showed on TV early in the Rams game. He was holding a sign that read: My Dad Says Run the Ball.



  8. facie
    January 3, 2012 9:37 am

    Happy for Hines, especially considering he was, what, like an 83rd round draft pick.

    “We’re Christians, by the way. Your mileage may vary.”
    ^Love that^



  9. Joe K.
    January 3, 2012 12:27 pm

    While I would rather have the bye week, I’m looking forward to this game. I’m not a Tebow hater, but I look forward to him trying to run to James Harrison’s side of the field.

    Redman is not better than Mendenhall, that’s just the normal “the backup is better” nonsense. It’s a big blow that we won’t have his breakaway ability in the playoffs.



  10. red pen mama
    January 3, 2012 12:35 pm

    We don’t have a TV in the kitchen either, if it makes you feel less alone. We have but one TV.

    I got to watch exactly zero minutes of this game. What is up with that? (rhetorical.)

    I ask again: Why did Ben play?

    I’m sorry, but as I’m older than both you and Mr. Ward, I’m voting for the penis.

    Finally (I think), I’ll be interested to see what Tebow can do against God’s favorite team. And, like Ginny’s dad, I hope he’s a gracious loser (Tebow, that is, not God.)



  11. bucdaddy
    January 3, 2012 2:19 pm

    3. I tried watching that show once. It was terrible. It’s the one where Zooey’s character thinks she forgot how to f*** and asks her roomies for help, and none of them offered to take her into a back room for demonstration purposes.

    She looks great in next to nothing but Sweet fancy Moses, the episode was painful to watch.

    Zooey reminds me of something a co-worker said about a similar young lady who used to work in my office: “She’d be fun to date, but if you married her you’d have to kill her.”



  12. Julie
    January 3, 2012 2:43 pm

    I think Redman is much better than his performance showed this weekend. Remember that Mendy had fumbly games, too. I’m going to go ahead and say now that you all will be pleasantly surprised at his performance this weekend. :)



  13. Monty
    January 3, 2012 5:42 pm

    red pen mama — I’ll bet when you woke up today, you never thought you’d be typing “I’m voting for the penis.”

    There are so many directions to go with that, I don’t even know where to start. You have officially stumped me. You have my deepest appreciation today.



  14. MissChris
    January 4, 2012 7:12 am

    Church, my friend!

    TROYSUS SAVES!



  15. red pen mama
    January 4, 2012 9:10 am

    @Monty, I’m the mother of three children. Things like, “Stop licking your brother” and “Please get your hands out of your pants” regularly cross my lips. I’m taking the fact that I typed, “I’m voting for the penis” in stride. I’m kind of flattered that I stumped you by giving you so many choices! :)



  16. Duncan
    January 4, 2012 11:44 pm

    Yep – that was some funny shit. And it did sound a bit as though you were at least drinking at the time it was written. lol



  17. iverqozzle
    January 5, 2012 9:00 am

    Redman vs. Mendenhall? Super Bowl 2011 stats (painful though they may be): Redman 2 carries for 19 yards (9.5 ave), no fumbles; Mendenhall, 14 carries for 63 yards (4.5 ave), one very costly fumble. Very sorry to see Rashard hurt of course; but I suspect that we will be more than happy with Redman in the playoffs!



  18. JenB
    January 7, 2012 12:26 pm

    I saw this headline this morning and just about fell off my chair:

    “God’s quarterbacks: What Tebow and Roethlisberger reveal about evangelical politics”

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/who-is-gods-quarterback-tebow-roethlisberger-and-american-evangelicalism/2012/01/05/gIQAS6VcfP_story.html?wprss=rss_opinions

    Roethlisberger is one of “God’s quarterbacks”? They must have meant to post this in the humor column.



  19. Ginny's Dad
    January 7, 2012 1:23 pm

    @ JenB

    Thanks for sharing the article. I believe both Ben and Tim are genuine in their faith. Too bad that one of them has to lose. One will glorify God in winning and the other will glorify God by being gracious in losing.



  20. JenB
    January 7, 2012 1:35 pm

    @ Ginny’s Dad

    I’m sure both will be gracious, in winning or losing. I don’t recall either being accused of bad sportsmanship, in that regard.

    I’m still not convinced Roethlisberger’s “return to God” isn’t based more on a PR strategy than genuine faith. It will take a few more years of good behavior before I personally consider him “redeemed” for his past actions. Either way, if it keeps him out of trouble it can’t be a bad thing.