As I mentioned in the post below, we’ll get to the Steelers later today. I need to put my kids to bed, pour myself a jug of wine, stab my Marian Hossa voodoo doll a few times in the balls (what?!), and really come to grips with yesterday’s loss and whatever the eff that was on Ben’s head last night.
Meanwhile, I have a new post up at Pittsburgh Magazine in which I set my Pittsburgh resolutions for 2012. You remember my 2011 resolutions included Mister Rogers and closed captioning and that God-forsaken hellacious Ducky Tour.
Now it’s time for my 2012 Pittsburgh resolutions! We’re talking Toonseum, polar bears and kayaks, oh my!
This might be more terrifying to me than the whole Ducky Tour nightmare, because I believe a kayak to be the least safe water conveyance since that “boat” made out of Styrofoam cups I saw in an Anything That Floats race one time. But on so many walks along the river’s edge, I see happy, otherwise sane Burghers enjoying a kayak ride down the Allegheny. I must brave up and experience this part of Pittsburgh. I’m scared. Is it possible to wear two life jackets? Three? Also, I’ll need a flare gun just in case because that “risk acknowledgement form” is making me want to throw up.
Becky asked me on Twitter why I’m so afraid of kayaking. So let me list those:
1. Rogue wave.
2. Maybe the Tunnel Monster lives in the Allegheny River and he eats me like a Graboid, and I die?
3. Sitting duck for pigeons, so they peck my eyeballs out while I try furiously to paddle away, and I die.
4. My kayak flips and I can’t get out, and I die.
5. A goose lands on the kayak, flips it over, and I die.
6. Wake of a passing boat sends me airborne, and I die.
7. I get caught in a strong current and it carries me to Ohio, where I die.
8. I die.
Shall I go on?
P.S. Also be sure to watch the traffic video that editor Sean Conboy included. I would die.
P.P.S. First person to comment on that post that if I were a real Pittsburgher, I would already have done all of those things gets flagged as inappropriate and also, you will die.
P.P.P.S. Where can I get me a live baby seal?