What They’re Really Thinking: Wildcard Edition

My family watched this game at Princess Aurora’s house in Wexfordhampsminstershire where we dined on our usual gastro-destructive fare of meatballs, buffalo chicken dip, chips and queso, flautas, margaritas, wine, chili, Pepto and bitter tears.

Bitter, bitter tears.  Someone forgot to add the sugar to the recipe or something.

The room was filled with Steelers fans except for one person, my brother-in-law Muchacho who is a diehard Oakland Raiders fan and therefore, he spent the night worshiping at the altar of Tim Tebow.

No, really. HE BUILT AN ALTAR:

That it wasn’t lit afire at any point in the evening is a testament to my family’s patience, until my mother threw a carton of baby wipes at Muchacho and probably bruised him. Her patience, you see, had run out.

At one point my father put a Christmas nutcracker on the altar, hoping to taint it with graven images.

It worked for like half a quarter.

Let’s talk football.

1. The Broncos won and the Steelers lost. We got beat. They were better. Oh, SPOILER ALERT.

This wasn’t a case of one bad call or one blown chance. There were many blown chances. We didn’t get our miracle and the Broncos got theirs.

If Tim Tebow’s coach wasn’t a believer before yesterday, that all changed with one play in overtime.

2. You guys, I swear I thought Hines was going to do something amazing. Something awesome. I thought for sure he was going to make a statement during this game. And he almost did. But almost wasn’t enough. He didn’t do anything.

However, kid, I would like to give you a gold star for Excellence in Punctuation because that wasn’t an easy apostrophe to catch. Bravo.

Hines said on his facebook today that he doesn’t want to retire and wants to play next year for the Steelers.

I’m clean out of Metamucil jokes, you guys! Write your own! And kick the dead horse when you’re done.

3. We interrupt this WTRT to say somewhere Jeff Reed just looked at this picture and was all, “Whoever heard of wearing pants under chaps?!!?”

4. Yes, the defensive line was held quite a bit, particularly Harrison, but that’s nothing new. He’s ALWAYS being held. Never stopped him before.

Regardless, The Duke of Fug tried to talk to the refs about it:

Tim Tebow ran. And he ran some more. And he ran untouched and he ran some more. And he ran and they touched him and he didn’t fall down and he ran some more. That’s in Ephesians.

And that killed us.

5. The O-line was miserable and that ridiculous snap by Legursky that looked like he was trying to knock a pigeon out of the sky just killed our momentum. On one drive, Benny was sacked so many times he was taking bets on who was next:

6. It was just after halftime when my sister Pens Fan made a few guests get up and switch seats with each other, hoping to change the juju of the game. You think I’m joking but I’m totally serious. Her exact words were, “Well, we’ve got to do SOMETHING.”

7. When Cotchery caught that touchdown pass in the fourth quarter, tying up the game (minus the extra point), and redeeming himself from a horrific drop earlier in the game, my sister’s living room exploded. The babies all started crying.  We were all high-fiving. The altar of Tim Tebow was mocked.

Then the karma boomerang lodged itself deep in our asses.

8. I thought they should have let Suisham try the 60-some yard field goal. Because I am a stupid woman and because HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN IF HE MADE IT?

We’ll never know now, will we?

9. I can’t talk about the defensive backs because then I’ll have to talk about Troysus and how he forgot to come to the game, and then when he did show up, he still didn’t show up:

10. Overtime. Benny is desperate and tries the Tebow:

The commentators try to explain the new overtime rules as such, “This is sudden death, but not sudden death. You might die suddenly, but there are certain circumstances where you will not die suddenly. You might die immediately, but it might not be suddenly! You might linger! OH THE LINGERING DEATH!”

The Steelers lose the toss, WAY TO GO, FARRIOR, and I looked away from the TV for two seconds, turned back to the TV and there’s a Bronco making a mad dash for the endzone because HE DISCOVERED A WAY TO KILL THE STEELERS WITH SUDDEN DEATH.

My sister’s house became silent as he ran. Then a “No.” Then another “No.” Then a “Huh?” Then there’s me. I’m silent. Stunned. I had missed the throw. Is this a replay of a play that happened a long time ago and they’re just showing it to us now or is this really happening? This is surreal. Look at that guy running. He’s still running. This can’t be real. What’s happening? Who are you? Where are we? IS THIS LINGERING SUDDEN DEATH?!

WHY GOD, WHY?

Touchdown scored.  On our TV, celebration raged:

My brother-in-law remained wisely silent. Glances were exchanged. Disbelief was palpable. Eyelids were blinked. Then we silently cleaned the entire house in five minutes flat and went home to mourn.

We’re all cheering for Tim Tebow to win the WHOLE DAMN THING. Beat them all! Win the Super Bowl. Make the bitter tears flow from the Devil Belichick and his Succubusian Concubine Brady.

HOLY SHIT! Succubusian Concubine is my new band name.

At least one good thing came from this game.

Also, this:

That’s the look of a man who has lost a bet.

That’s it for the 2011-2012 NFL season. It could have been worse. And it could have been a whole lot better.

See you in the fall!

Let’s go Pens! Let’s go Bucs!

Let’s go Tebow!





49 Comments

  1. Mike
    January 9, 2012 11:06 pm

    No way with broncos (too much hate still lingering).I would have to say the backup black and gold team will have to win it all. Plus they are built for dome play.



  2. Greg
    January 9, 2012 11:09 pm

    So if The Saints do battle with The Jesus, does the world end?



  3. bucdaddy
    January 10, 2012 2:35 am

    It’s not every man who can look good in a hat.

    As Benny proves.

    Yeah, y’all say you’re through with football NOW, but I bet y’all will be watching the Stupor Bowl.



  4. Aileen
    January 10, 2012 6:46 am

    How many days until pitchers and catchers report?

    bucdaddy – I’m with you on the hat thing. That’s a look made for Dan Bylsma; on Ben it looks like his head is enormous or the hat’s too small.

    That game was not Mike Wallace’s finest, as Tebow performed a miracle, and turned him into Limas Sweed.



  5. AngryMongo
    January 10, 2012 7:19 am

    Sorry, I cannot buy into all this 316 crap with Tebow. Why? Because if you all think that Jesus would pick him over Troy, you deserve to be smited.

    There is no higher power at work here. We just sucked.



  6. suzie-Q
    January 10, 2012 7:27 am

    @Angry Mongo…I AGREE…am tired of the TebowChrist. And since we all KNOW that God has LONG been a Steeler Fan….I believe he has responded with the score of 29-23….which….wow…look below:

    Ecclesiasticus 29:23 “Be it little or much, be content with what you have, and pay no heed to the one who would disparage your home.”

    So we have 6 Superbowls…we’ll be satisfied…TIL NEXT YEAR!!!!!



  7. WIMom
    January 10, 2012 7:27 am

    It was downright painful to watch Benny try to run the ball. But, watching them play the Broncos, it was obvious that they wouldn’t have had a chance against Pretty Boy and the Pats, so our agony was shortened. But, I agree- they definitely should have tried the 60 yarder.
    I have become a Saints fan overnight, even tho I live in the frozen tundra (and that is a sacriligious statement up here in Packerland so please don’t repeat it!) Thanks, Ginny, for another great season.



  8. Jill M
    January 10, 2012 8:04 am

    @Aileen – this game wasn’t anyone’s finest :)

    I was able to watch until halftime when I had to attend a meeting at church (yeah, I know…should have been a sign, but I rationalized that if I was giving up the game for church all would be well!) Anyway, after sitting in a boring women’s meeting checking my phone every 35 I almost made everyone there change seats to change the juju. I’m with Ginny’s sister “we had to do something”.

    Go Saints! after all – Drew Brees is cute and I already own a lot of Black and Gold…



  9. Jennifer
    January 10, 2012 8:31 am

    I just found your blog for the first time this morning! I’m a Pittsburgher living in Denver (thank you U.S. Army for making my life a living hell now…..)

    Believe me – it was not fun live, up close and personal here.

    Am LOVING your blog!!!!!



  10. Susan
    January 10, 2012 8:31 am

    I don’t like Timmy Tebow and I won’t cheer for him if Denver makes the Super Bowl. He refused to do an “It gets better video”



  11. Butcher's Dog
    January 10, 2012 8:50 am

    I’m with Ginny on everything except rooting for Tebow. Only the Houston Texans can save the AFC now. May God have mercy on our souls. I can live with the Saints winning The Big One.

    @bucdaddy: Yeah, I’ll watch. Mostly because that’s what we do. But I’ll be bringing some hate on everyone not wearing black and gold. Just the way it is.

    I have a real problem with the announcers getting things wrong (like Nantz saying early in the game “We’ll be back to Pittsburgh after this.” and naming the Bronco field goal kicker near the end when talking about “moving into his range” as the Steelers had the ball.) They get paid a metric shitload of money and, unlike the teams on the field, they don’t have someone else trying to make them screw up. To say “Each team gets one possession in overtime” when clearly each team DIDN’T GET ONE POSSESSION IN OVERTIME!!!!! is the height of communication obfuscation. The rule is simple. It IS sudden death with one exception: the game can’t end on a first possession field goal. Period.

    Finally (for now) I got pretty tired of watching the endless referee huddles. Make the call, try to get it right, and move on.

    Go, Pens!



  12. WIMom
    January 10, 2012 9:03 am

    ButcherDog- I agree with your last statement. This instant replay/review has certainly taken alot out of the game. Every play, it seems like, is being reviewed, and the stall tactics by the coaches while their buddies in the booth try to decide whether or not to challenge is infuriating. Coaches should have 20 seconds after the play to challenge it–period. ANd the OT rules make no sense, both sides should get at least one possession–period. There, please vote for me to be the commish!



  13. Monty
    January 10, 2012 9:07 am

    How on God’s green earth does a diehard Raiders fan root for the Broncos?



  14. Beatrice
    January 10, 2012 9:12 am

    Great post. Very funny as always and made the loss much easier to take.



  15. bluzdude
    January 10, 2012 9:16 am

    Sorry, I can’t root for the Broncos. I have to root for whoever has the best chance to beat the Ratbirds, even if it means the despicable Patriots. Of course, then I root for either the Saints or the Pack (or the Devil himself) to win it all.

    I can’t deal with a Ratbird Super Bowl run. I lived through it in 2000 and the obnoxiousness of it was off the charts.

    Lastly, I’m w/ Monty. I don’t see how a Raiders fan roots for the Broncos, ever. Do they have special rules on the west coast or something?



  16. Steelergurl
    January 10, 2012 9:19 am

    hahahaha – thank you for making me laugh today. Hilarious as always. I am a frequent reader, less frequent on comments, but I have to tell you that I did the same thing on the OT – totally missed the pass, looked up and saw the guy run into the endzone. I looked at my son and said, “Did he just score a TD?” *blinks* Yeah, I blinked and it was O V E R. Crazy, and truth is, I am hoping all the rest of these folks get Tebowed too. Thanks for the laugh.



  17. red pen mama
    January 10, 2012 9:41 am

    I’m pulling for the Packers. I have a soft spot (or something) for Aaron Rodgers. I think it’s the State Farm commercial.

    I’m shallow. Sue me.

    I missed the entire overtime. I was so glad it wasn’t going to be sudden death, and I guess I decided to get something from the kitchen. And then it was sudden death. WTF NFL?

    Benny’s hat aside, what about freaking whatever the hell was on Tebow’s head after the game? I mean, dude, come on. People already think you’re an ass (I don’t, for the record, but people do, let’s face it) — don’t put some ’90s justin timberlake wanna be knit cap on your head. At least Benny was in this century. The fedora is making a comeback. (not that Benny is helping that cause.)

    Thank, Ginny, for the laughs. It was a tough loss, but the Pats would’ve crushed our injured Steelers. It’s better this way, IMO.



  18. Heather
    January 10, 2012 10:00 am

    Ginny, we switched seats after halftime too!!! And it brought good vibes for awhile.

    But here’s my theory on the loss. It was my family’s fault. We gathered at my place for the game and my aunt volunteered to bring soda. Well my crazy father brought the leftover soda from last week’s party and said “Drink this first so it gets used up and we’ll just open your soda for next week’s Steeler Party.” See? Right there…major jinx. Sorry guys….



  19. Dan (Not Onorato)
    January 10, 2012 10:02 am

    I think its great that the Broncos and Tebow are moving on. *ducks* Everyone keeps saying that Tebow cant be a QB because he cant throw and hes the worst QB in the league blah blah blah, but he threw for 316 and a couple of TDs against the #1 defense. Tebow 316….John 3:16…HMMM Can you imagine if we won and had to goto NE with the team held together with duct tape?

    Its NFL playoffs and anything can happen. Bottom line is, their team played a better game than our team did. End of story.

    I will also cheer for Denver and any other team that plays Belicheck, the Ugg-wearing succubus and the Ravens.



  20. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    January 10, 2012 10:05 am

    This game was bad all around. Good job Ginny.

    @bucdaddy – I won’t be watching the Stupor Bowl (ha ha). I only watch the playoffs as long as the Steelers are still in it. Same with hockey. For baseball, I’ll watch some of the playoffs and all of the World Series regardless of the teams. I just like the game of baseball better. Let’s go Bucs!



  21. bucdaddy
    January 10, 2012 11:00 am

    Ex-Pat, you’re my kinda girl. I suppose I could tolerate you watching football on our Sunday afternoons together, will give me a chance to get some reading done. Then we’ll get out for wings and good beer, and then … and THEN … wow, look at the time, it’s like 9 o’clock! Better get some sleep.



  22. Butcher's Dog
    January 10, 2012 11:04 am

    @Dan: that #1 defense stuff is the biggest crock of shit outside of the political process. It’s based on yards allowed, but to me if you’re #1 that means you come up big when you need to do that. Remember, we’re not even in this position if we don’t allow the Ratbirds to go 92 yards at the end of the game. One freaking stop and our first game is this weekend. And they couldn’t stop Tebow (going by the stats, the worst qb in the league) when they needed to, either in the first half or the very abbreviated overtime. I wish the announcers and everyone else would just STFU about this #1 defense shit.



  23. Dan (Not Onorato)
    January 10, 2012 11:11 am

    @ B-Dog

    I agree with you 100% and they kept shoving it down our throats leading up to the game as well as throughout the game.

    I should have added *eyeroll* after I mentioned it. I apologize.

    This team just seemed flat to me all season…



  24. burgher-licious
    January 10, 2012 12:06 pm

    We were cheering for the coaches to let Suisham try to kick the field goal – how cool would that have been for him to kick the longest field goal ever at 60+ yards AND to win the game after coming back in the second half. Oh well, instead Ben ran out the 25 second play clock, we got penalized, and then embarrassed on the first play of OT.



  25. unsatisfied
    January 10, 2012 12:11 pm

    what are the hittsburgh geniuses going to do now?

    do they have a penguins line?

    or, a succos line?



  26. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    January 10, 2012 12:23 pm

    @bucdaddy — what are we reading? For this Saturday, to fill the void that was created by the Steelers loss, I’m looking at taking the self-guided tour at the new Troeg’s facility in Hershey.



  27. tw
    January 10, 2012 12:43 pm

    Ginny we tried to change the mojo here too… moving seats, waving the towels, and my son did a cheering dance thing on every play… it was crazy. In the end my one daughter was in tears… crushed me. After that I don’t have the heart to root for Tebow, but the pickings are slim. I think Texans might be my only hope and if they go out early the Saints.



  28. Joe K.
    January 10, 2012 12:44 pm

    If I’m not mistaken I think the field goal would have been 65 yards, not a good idea because it’s too easy to block, and if I’m not mistaken I think the other team can try to run it back if it’s short and in the field of play.

    Most unsatisfying 12-4 season ever. This will make us ill but I think the Ravens will be in the Super Bowl.



  29. YinzerInExile
    January 10, 2012 12:44 pm

    I am ultimately pulling for The Pack. This allegiance is based on the highly scientific formula: notreallyirritating x domelesslikefootballissupposedtobe + 3 / DISCOUNTDOUBLECHECK! (carry the 1) + non-annoyingpackersfanfriend = I cheer for Green Bay.

    But can I suggest an alternative playoff preference? Tebow over Pats and Texans over Ravens. Thus, the world is punished for Stillers loss with THE SHITTIEST AFC CHAMPIONSHIP IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, in which the Broncos lose–because I will die if I have to listen to the sports media Teblowing for another year. Someone needs to nip that jag in the bud.

    Just not Brady. Because he should never, ever be happy.



  30. SC 'Burgher
    January 10, 2012 1:13 pm

    I can’t pull for any of them. I’d like to see a 2-2 tie with multiple injuries to Brady, Tebow and even Belichick…maybe a satelite can fall out of the sky and hit him.

    39 days, 17 hours and 46 minutes until pitchers and catchers report for year 20 of the Buccos losing. Can’t wait!



  31. Julie
    January 10, 2012 1:30 pm

    I think it’s hilarious how a lot of us Steeler fans deal with our grief. Last year we went to a friend’s house for the SUper BOwl. They had a HUGE spread of food and we ate and watched the game, hootin’ and hollerin’ and just general loudness that a Steeler Super Bowl brings. By the end of the game it was just my hubby and I and our hosts. As soon as the game ended we cleaned the entire kitchen and TV room in 7 minutes, not saying a word except for goodbyes. You could hear a pin drop…lol. On Sunday we were at my parents and within 6.5 seconds of the game ending we were heading out the door….lol.



  32. Julie
    January 10, 2012 1:31 pm

    Oh, and I LOVE Ben in his fedora. The whole look, actually. But I love Ben so that is to be expected…lol.



  33. Jill M
    January 10, 2012 3:23 pm

    @YinzerInExile: That was just awesomeness!

    One better…(Denver vs Houston) the shittiest AFC game ever, hopefully won by Houston, who will then parlay that into the most “un-hypeable” Super Bowl vs. either the Saints or the Packers

    P.S. Re your formula “domelesslikefootballissupposedtobe” – my dad says that every year. Said the Super Bowl should be played in an outdoor stadium in the North to keep the “rich non-fans” out of the seats.



  34. ColdCan45
    January 10, 2012 5:52 pm

    Well, maybe the Steelers could try a little Tebow type praying in church.

    I hear they will be off this Sunday…….



  35. SportyGal85
    January 10, 2012 6:19 pm

    Seriously, who’s shocked? This had trap game written all over in, in all caps, underlined, and punctuated with exclamation points. Anyway, Ben’s been wearing those awful fedoras for several weeks now. I’ll bet he was so excited to show his new style to the nation when he put that outfit together earlier in the week, lol.



  36. bucdaddy
    January 10, 2012 6:29 pm

    I’m looking at taking the self-guided tour at the new Troeg’s facility in Hershey.

    *swoon*

    I’ll be in my bunk.*

    I’ve done volunteer work at East End B.C. a few times, bottle-washing, bottling, labeling, making labels, if that … you know … stirs your loins any.

    *–Yes, that’s a euphemism for what you think it’s a euphemism for.



  37. YinzerInExile
    January 10, 2012 6:33 pm

    @Jill M: *doffs fedora*

    And YES! Houston v New Orleans or, as my SO called it, the 2011 World Series of football :P



  38. cmd_45
    January 10, 2012 6:47 pm

    I personally think we were dreadfully outcoached. Their offensive coordinator, whoever he is, found our weaknesses and made the most of them. Tebow did make a few good passes, but when guys are that open (thanks, Ike), how can you miss them? Can we hire that guy and ditch Arians? I was pretty disappointed with Dick LeBeau’s lack of adjustment, as well.



  39. Liz
    January 10, 2012 8:12 pm

    We DVR’d the game since I was worried my viewing was jinxing things. We actually fast-forwarded through overtime. Then rewinded (rewound?) through it. That. Short.

    Of course, thanks to these new sudden death* rules, I thought the same as Butcher’s Dog and kept screaming “WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SECOND CHANCE?!?!?”

    It was at this point that the boyfriend wisely brought out the whole box of wine and handed it to me. Not much was remembered after that.

    Geaux Saints. And at least Tebow worked one miracle- he’s making me root for the Patsies.



  40. Momofsteel
    January 10, 2012 8:56 pm

    DVR’d the game…but it ran out of space in the 3rd quarter. Had to check ESPN for the final score – so glad, probably would have had a heart attack watching live! Go Broncos, if we had to lose to someone at least it was a good guy. The boys will come back next year, healthy and fired up to fix their mistakes.



  41. Monnie Keith
    January 10, 2012 9:13 pm

    Oh, the pain. Oh, the humiliation. Oh, WTF? I am so in tune with almost every other fan on here… we were banged up, beat up, and upended. We shoulda tried for the FG. We didn’t. Back in 2005 I suffered a heart attack watching the AFC playoffs and our loss. After that, when things are hairy, I have to look away for a minute and let the old ticker get a normal rhythm going, hence, I missed everything but watching the dang run for the gold! I cried, but the real deal is I also heaved a sigh of relief that we weren’t going to try to win a Super Bowl in our lousy condition. @YinzerInExile: I live near Baltimore and the lousy ratbird fans have been a bane of my life since I’ve been here! I have watched Steelers pray on field for the last 15 years and it never caused as much hoo-rah as this Tebow crap! I HAVE to root for any team that crushes the ratbirds and Tebow! With enthusiasm and genuine love!



  42. facie
    January 11, 2012 9:58 am

    Rooting for the Broncs too. I don’t think they can beat NE. But I never thought Tebow would complete more than a couple short passes. Certainly not ones that would burn the Steelers as they did.

    Yeah, those OT rules were a bit odd. You summed it up nicely with “This is sudden death, but not sudden death. You might die suddenly, but there are certain circumstances where you will not die suddenly. You might die immediately, but it might not be suddenly! You might linger! OH THE LINGERING DEATH!”

    I guess I am glad that the Steelers did not have a lingering death in OT, just a quick, painful punch in the gut.



  43. Shannonsharpe
    January 11, 2012 10:33 pm

    Ginnay, I saw that slightly too small fedora on ben’s head and thought of you…..knew you would comment on it.



  44. melissa
    January 12, 2012 6:57 pm

    Maybe too many people switched seats to turn the juju into mojo and ended up going all the way back to juju again?



  45. Rebecca
    January 12, 2012 7:27 pm

    The Broncs will not win. That halo that formed over the stadium was a sign from Christopher Hitchens.



  46. J
    January 17, 2012 3:42 pm

    Gah! That kid’s punctuation is WRONG! It’s “Hines’s” because “Hines'” would mean that there are multiple Hines Wards in the world who are possessing something. Complaining about grammar takes the sting of the loss away. :)