My family watched this game at Princess Aurora’s house in Wexfordhampsminstershire where we dined on our usual gastro-destructive fare of meatballs, buffalo chicken dip, chips and queso, flautas, margaritas, wine, chili, Pepto and bitter tears.
Bitter, bitter tears. Someone forgot to add the sugar to the recipe or something.
The room was filled with Steelers fans except for one person, my brother-in-law Muchacho who is a diehard Oakland Raiders fan and therefore, he spent the night worshiping at the altar of Tim Tebow.
No, really. HE BUILT AN ALTAR:
That it wasn’t lit afire at any point in the evening is a testament to my family’s patience, until my mother threw a carton of baby wipes at Muchacho and probably bruised him. Her patience, you see, had run out.
At one point my father put a Christmas nutcracker on the altar, hoping to taint it with graven images.
It worked for like half a quarter.
Let’s talk football.
1. The Broncos won and the Steelers lost. We got beat. They were better. Oh, SPOILER ALERT.
This wasn’t a case of one bad call or one blown chance. There were many blown chances. We didn’t get our miracle and the Broncos got theirs.
If Tim Tebow’s coach wasn’t a believer before yesterday, that all changed with one play in overtime.
2. You guys, I swear I thought Hines was going to do something amazing. Something awesome. I thought for sure he was going to make a statement during this game. And he almost did. But almost wasn’t enough. He didn’t do anything.
However, kid, I would like to give you a gold star for Excellence in Punctuation because that wasn’t an easy apostrophe to catch. Bravo.
Hines said on his facebook today that he doesn’t want to retire and wants to play next year for the Steelers.
I’m clean out of Metamucil jokes, you guys! Write your own! And kick the dead horse when you’re done.
3. We interrupt this WTRT to say somewhere Jeff Reed just looked at this picture and was all, “Whoever heard of wearing pants under chaps?!!?”
4. Yes, the defensive line was held quite a bit, particularly Harrison, but that’s nothing new. He’s ALWAYS being held. Never stopped him before.
Regardless, The Duke of Fug tried to talk to the refs about it:
Tim Tebow ran. And he ran some more. And he ran untouched and he ran some more. And he ran and they touched him and he didn’t fall down and he ran some more. That’s in Ephesians.
And that killed us.
5. The O-line was miserable and that ridiculous snap by Legursky that looked like he was trying to knock a pigeon out of the sky just killed our momentum. On one drive, Benny was sacked so many times he was taking bets on who was next:
6. It was just after halftime when my sister Pens Fan made a few guests get up and switch seats with each other, hoping to change the juju of the game. You think I’m joking but I’m totally serious. Her exact words were, “Well, we’ve got to do SOMETHING.”
7. When Cotchery caught that touchdown pass in the fourth quarter, tying up the game (minus the extra point), and redeeming himself from a horrific drop earlier in the game, my sister’s living room exploded. The babies all started crying. We were all high-fiving. The altar of Tim Tebow was mocked.
Then the karma boomerang lodged itself deep in our asses.
8. I thought they should have let Suisham try the 60-some yard field goal. Because I am a stupid woman and because HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN IF HE MADE IT?
We’ll never know now, will we?
9. I can’t talk about the defensive backs because then I’ll have to talk about Troysus and how he forgot to come to the game, and then when he did show up, he still didn’t show up:
10. Overtime. Benny is desperate and tries the Tebow:
The commentators try to explain the new overtime rules as such, “This is sudden death, but not sudden death. You might die suddenly, but there are certain circumstances where you will not die suddenly. You might die immediately, but it might not be suddenly! You might linger! OH THE LINGERING DEATH!”
The Steelers lose the toss, WAY TO GO, FARRIOR, and I looked away from the TV for two seconds, turned back to the TV and there’s a Bronco making a mad dash for the endzone because HE DISCOVERED A WAY TO KILL THE STEELERS WITH SUDDEN DEATH.
My sister’s house became silent as he ran. Then a “No.” Then another “No.” Then a “Huh?” Then there’s me. I’m silent. Stunned. I had missed the throw. Is this a replay of a play that happened a long time ago and they’re just showing it to us now or is this really happening? This is surreal. Look at that guy running. He’s still running. This can’t be real. What’s happening? Who are you? Where are we? IS THIS LINGERING SUDDEN DEATH?!
WHY GOD, WHY?
Touchdown scored. On our TV, celebration raged:
My brother-in-law remained wisely silent. Glances were exchanged. Disbelief was palpable. Eyelids were blinked. Then we silently cleaned the entire house in five minutes flat and went home to mourn.
We’re all cheering for Tim Tebow to win the WHOLE DAMN THING. Beat them all! Win the Super Bowl. Make the bitter tears flow from the Devil Belichick and his Succubusian Concubine Brady.
HOLY SHIT! Succubusian Concubine is my new band name.
At least one good thing came from this game.
That’s the look of a man who has lost a bet.
That’s it for the 2011-2012 NFL season. It could have been worse. And it could have been a whole lot better.
See you in the fall!
Let’s go Pens! Let’s go Bucs!
Let’s go Tebow!