The state Department of Environmental Protection has been notified about a significant layer of a purple substance along the Allegheny River. The unknown substance currently stretches from Sharpsburg to the area of the Highland Park Bridge, spokesman John Poister said.
The Allegheny County Health Department is looking into the matter. They think it may be some sort of oxidizing agent in water treatment that does not appear to pose a threat.
Or, or, OR! The tunnel monster that lives in there just puked.
You people who voluntarily jump into that river have got ZEE GIANTEST BALLS.