Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Cundiff!

An hour before the Ravens took on the Patriots I still didn’t know who I was rooting for.

Ray Lewis fills me with hateful rage that makes me want to take a golf club to my TV if it means I never have to see him unhinge his jaw and scream his stupid pre-game scream again.

But Tom Brady. Tom Brady. I want Tom Brady’s tears. I want to shower in them. Bathe in them. Splash around in them and jump in puddles of them like a child joyfully welcoming the spring rains. I want a monsoon of Tom Brady tears. I want a rogue wave of Tom Brady’s tears large enough to capsize Australia.

So biblical hate versus biblical hate. Who should I root for?

Then I asked myself this question: Who could you not bear to see in the Super Bowl?

And I said to myself, “You will puke your eardrums out if you see Ray Lewis in the Super Bowl.”

So I cheered for that Ugg-wearing succubusian concubine Tom Brady. I cheered my heart out for him. Go, Tom, go! The words felt odd in my mouth, rolling off my tongue like poison-tipped thumbtacks. Like I had said, “No, I would not like Nutella on that banana, thank you.” Or, “I think I’ll go for a jog.”

When it came down to a field goal, a very makeable field goal that even Jeff Reed would nail WHILE nailing a slut (dirty!), I started to come to terms with the fact that this was going to overtime and I very well might have to stomach Ray Lewis and a Harbaugh in the Super Bowl. I fought against the rising bile and then …

WHAT?!

WHAT’S HAPPENING?!

WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!

WHO ARE YOU?! WHO AM I?!

EINHORN IS FINKLE! FINKLE IS CUNDIFF!

If you’ve never seen Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, how do you sleep at night? Also, SPOILER ALERT.

If you have seen the movie, then you’re SO going to appreciate this new video put together by the Burghers over at Benstonium:

YouTube Preview Image

But now that Ray Lewis is dispatched and Tom Brady is in the Super Bowl against the Giants who destroyed him in it four years ago, I’m suddenly an Eli Manning fan praying for a tsunami of Tom Brady’s tears to wash Baltimore off the map.

I can’t help it.

Football makes me violent like doom.





24 Comments

  1. rickh
    January 24, 2012 8:09 am

    Something tells me Brady’s a tucker like Einhorn.



  2. Leslie in Dayton
    January 24, 2012 8:38 am

    I had the same dilemma, but I decided Ray Lewis + Terrell Suggs were worse than one Tom Brady. But YES, it was weird to root for the Patriots, and I still feel dirty!



  3. Cbus Yinzer
    January 24, 2012 8:54 am

    That video makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I too had trouble cheering for Brady even when I thought of how he could remove the evil of Lewis/Suggs from my vision and not allow them any hope of ever winning another Superbowl.

    My favorite part of the game was the slow motion replay of Suggs’ hopes and dreams being shattered before our very eyes when Cundiff missed.



  4. bluzdude
    January 24, 2012 9:06 am

    As a former Pittsburgher and current resident of Baltimore, there was no question of who I would root for. The NFL is worse off for having the Ratbirds defile the Lombardi trophy by having won it once; another time would be cataclysmic. So I also had to hold my nose and root for the Pats. (And boy, did that ever sound funny.)

    Yesterday, the city was fog-bound for the entire day. My theory is that the fog was made from the residue of the city’s tears that were too heavy to completely evaporate into the atmosphere. (Crying about the missed kick, crying about the defended almost-a-touchdown pass, crying that the league never reviewed the play, which anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the rules would know to be pointless…)

    That meant I literally got to walk to work through a cloud of tears shed for those purple-clad miscreants.

    It was like dancing through a cloud of cotton candy.



  5. John
    January 24, 2012 9:08 am

    nobody should EVER cheer for anything named Manning. yuck. eww. Like the family at the end of the block that had all kinds of junkers parked all over thier lawn, and then would act like arrogant dorks if you ever looked at them. eww.

    on the other hand, nobody should EVER cheer for Tom Brady. yuck. eww. he even had a Justin Bieber haircut at some point, competing with Tebowel’s EllenDegeneres haircut. Ewww.

    Can the DVR just record the commercials and skip the game?



  6. Amanda
    January 24, 2012 9:24 am

    As soon as he missed the kick and they showed footage of them turning the laces out, I thought of Ace Ventura! I shouted out that it was just like Ace and no one else in the room got it! I’m glad you did!



  7. PG Wodehouse
    January 24, 2012 10:06 am

    So do these feelings about Tom Brady make him Scott Tenorman and you Cartman?



  8. JennyMoon
    January 24, 2012 10:07 am

    That is so funny because I said to my husband after the missed field goal … “Laces Out!”



  9. Rachel
    January 24, 2012 10:46 am

    I was rooting for the Ratbirds, cause even though I hate them, I respect their style of play. I despise Cry-baby Brady and Bleicheat and have no respect for them. As much as I can’t stand Manning, I hope the Giants destroy the Patsies



  10. bucdaddy
    January 24, 2012 10:52 am

    “Football makes me violent”

    I’m beginning to think football fandom is a manifestation of some kind of mental illness that turns otherwise happy, cheerful, pleasant people into head-kicking Droogs.

    I mean, as a Pirates fan I have no love for the Brewers, but I don’t wish for their plane to go down in a flaming fireball of fiery deathness.

    Remind me never to turn my back on you.



    • Butcher's Dog
      January 24, 2012 5:58 pm

      Droogs, bucdaddy!?!?!? Like, Alex and his Droogs from A Clockwork Orange?!?!?!?!? I think I’m going to want you to be the main speaker at my funeral! Not in any hurry to schedule, though. You loved Kojak and know Clockwork Orange. Awesome.



    • Cathy
      January 25, 2012 8:35 pm

      Sorry budaddy…..as a Pirates fan I WANT the Brewers plane to go down in flames. Along with the Patriots, Ratbirds (tho I imagine they take a bus but that can crash as well), Bengals, Browns, Flyers, Islanders, Rangers, Devils, Red Wings, yep…anyone that dares beat my beloved Pittsburgh teams in a repeatable or big way. :) But I’m just violent like that.



  11. Kristin
    January 24, 2012 11:13 am

    I think my uncle summed it up fairly well when he said, “This game is like Satan versus Hitler.”



  12. Beth
    January 24, 2012 12:22 pm

    Spit, Choke & Puke on DVE yesterday morning: “To Steeler Nation, the only favorable outcome of a Baltimore/New England game would be Ray Lewis getting arrested for Tom Brady’s murder.” I laughed for a good ten minutes.

    I don’t want the Pats to win, obviously, but I can’t stand Eli Manning. Oh, well. At least he’s not Peyton. Go Giants!!



  13. Pensgirl
    January 24, 2012 12:52 pm

    I never see a point to rooting for a team when I hate both, so I simply planned to bask in the schadenfreude of the team that lost. I didn’t watch the game, just flipped over a few times for updates – including just in time to witness the shanked kick, which made me laugh Nelson-style. But if they’d pulled out the win, I’d have simply focused on enjoying the Patriots’ loss (and would have rooted HARD for a Ravens SB loss in Indy, since these hypocrites down here still violently hate the Colts even though Baltimore is a worse offender in not only stealing Cleveland’s team when they know how that feels, but also in denying Cleveland what would have been their first/only Super Bowl win).

    As for the SB, it is really quite simple. 1. If the Patriots win, then the Belichick/Brady era team ties the Noll/Bradshaw Steelers dynasty with 4 SB wins together. 2. The Patriots are EVIL, while the Giants are merely annoying. 3. Some of the Maras are also Rooneys. GO GIANTS!



    • suzie-Q
      January 25, 2012 7:38 pm

      agree with Pensgirl…rooting for the Giants is like rooting for the Steelers cousins….!!! Go GIANTS…



  14. Bill
    January 24, 2012 1:44 pm

    New Pittsburgh Dad today is Dad asking his Ravens fan neighbor Tom how he is doing!!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvbyPIek-zw&context=C31da97eADOEgsToPDskKfLuK0IInCrjh8g1vvDq7l



  15. Ginny's Dad
    January 24, 2012 8:59 pm

    You know the Raven’s fans that are now experiencing depression were delirious with joy 2 weeks ago when Tebow performed his miracle against the Steelers. Serves them right. But I do feel bad for the Raven’s kicker. The Harbaugh brothers are probably very nice, but I detect an air of arrogance that bothers me. Bottomline, I’m glad their parents don’t have to worry about which son to root for in the Super Bowl. By the way, Ray Lewis announced he is coming back for his 217th season. Ugh



  16. oddmanout
    January 25, 2012 1:14 am

    ” I’m looking for Ray Finkle…..and a clean pair of shorts”



  17. YinzerInExile
    January 26, 2012 7:17 am

    My world is sort of rocked to realize that I may have been in the minority cheering for the Ratbirds. Yes, it made me want to vomit, but I did it for the league, man. A cheer for the Ravens is a finger in the eye of the most precioussssssssss of the precious quarterbacks.

    Besides, no team should EVER be allowed to win anything with such a crappy defense (that apparently saved all of their effort for last Sunday)



  18. Dan (Not Onorato)
    January 26, 2012 7:53 am

    “Your gun is digging into my hip”

    Yeah…Im guessing Brady is a “tucker” like Einhorn…and I will address Brady as such in the future