Monthly Archives: January 2012

The computers will never successfully rise up

Nothing to do with Pittsburgh and everything to do with companies trying to use computers to replace real humans. At least I hope for Dish Network’s sake, that “Angel” is a computer.

Also, please note that I am not one who just throws around threats to cancel service lightly. I actually had another tab open in my browser where I was ready to click the “Purchase” button on a Comcast package (FIOS is unavailable in my area).

Angel G (ID: ZDL): Hi, my name is Angel G (ID: ZDL). How may I help you?
Virginia Montanez: Hi! For about six months now, every time we get a slight sprinkle of rain, I lose complete satellite signal. Often, I lose all of my HD channels if we just have a windy day, and I’m getting really fed up with it.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Hello Virginia. How are you doing today?
Virginia Montanez: Fine.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I’m glad to hear that.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I’m sorry to hear that you are having an issue with the signal. I’d be happy to resolve that for you.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): In order to do proper troubleshooting we need you to have access to your equipment. Are you currently at home?
Virginia Montanez: Yes.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Can you please describe exactly what is on the television screen now?  If there is an on screen message, please include the 3 digit number found in the top right corner.
Virginia Montanez: There is no onscreen message right now. The rain has stopped and the signal is back.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I understand.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I apologize about the inconvenience but, the signal is via satellite and weather can cause it to go out. Build up of snow or rain can penetrate the signal or block it completely and that can cause this message to come up. Once the snow is cleared and the weather passes the signal should return on its own. If it does not, you will need to contact us to troubleshoot the issue.
Virginia Montanez: I am trying to tell you that for six months, every single time it sprinkles just a tiny bit of rain, we lose complete satellite signal. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE for the amount of money we are paying you.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I’m sorry to hear that.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Please give me a moment to research this for you.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Please give me a moment to research this for you.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Thank you for your patience.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): I’d like to inform you that the signal issue is with the weather, due to bad weather, there might be a signal issue. I’d request you to please contact us when you have the issue inorder to resolve it for you.
Virginia Montanez: Thank you. Goodbye.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Since there is a technical issue, I can offer the 30th Anniversary Starz promotion, which is going to expire on your account very soon. I can offer you the premium channel on your account for half price for the next 6 months. It is a promotion for a valuable customer and it is only $6.5 per month. We are offering you this price for next 6 months and you can cancel it any time. How does that sounds? Would you like me to add the promotion on your account now?
Virginia Montanez: No thank you. We are cancelling our service with you.
Angel G (ID: ZDL): Your satisfaction is very important to us, so I would like to transfer you to an account specialist for further assistance. Please hold.
Angel G (ID: ZDL) has disconnected.
Brian (ID: LR9): Hi, my name is Brian (ID: LR9). How may I help you?
Brian (ID: LR9): I will be handling your request today. Please give me a moment to access your account and review your conversation with the previous agent.
Virginia Montanez: Thank you..

The magnitude of the degree to which I wanted to reach through my computer and slap Angel was already pretty high when she asked me, “How are you today?” immediately after I told her my problem.

Then it was off the bitch-slapping charts when she told me the reason my satellite goes out if a squirrel sneezes hard enough is because of the weather.

Then it could  not be measured by Earthly instruments when she tried to get me to buy Starz.

This is why the computers won’t ever win. Because they’re so stupid sometimes. They can try to uprise but all you’ll need to do is say the word “cancel” and they’ll be all, “BUT YOUR SATISFACTION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US!”

Siri would have been more helpful. At least she’d have given it to me straight all, “Girl, you shit out of luck.”

Dish Network saw I was tweeting about them and sent me this DM:

Losing signal in thick cloud coverage is normal?

THICK CLOUD COVER?!

HAVE YOU SEEN PITTSBURGH, DISH NETWORK?!

There’s a technician coming Monday, free of charge. Bail me out if I am forced to choke a bitch.


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A good kind of quirky

I love that National Geographic Travel, while naming us as one of their must-see world destinations in 2012, identified Pittsburgh as being a city with a “quirky sense of humor.”

Now, there’s a bad kind of quirky, i.e. obsessive eating of couch cushions, and there’s a good kind of quirky, i.e. taking 47 pictures of a doorknob. I think the names of the coffee concoctions at Nicholas Coffee and Tea Roasters in Market Square, where I like to order the pumpkin latte on cold winter days, can be classified as the good kind of quirky.

1. Suck it, Portland:

2. This is the drink my husband loves because it’s got four of his favorite things — white chocolate, hazelnut, fat, and sugar.

3. BRAINZ

4. Fat guy in a little coat.  Fat guy in a little coat.

5. Because whipped cream makes the fat go down easier …

6. And finally …

Because who hasn’t ever looked into a sweater-clad pug’s eyeballs and said, “Mmmm. JUICY!”

(This isn’t a paid ad. I just love this place and its personality!)


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47 more pictures

You should just assume that when you see 47 pictures in the post title, I’m about to show you pictures I took with my DSLR camera of random crap that no one else would take 47 pictures of, and then I’m going to promise to sell copies of my 47 pictures on Etsy.

No surprises here, Internet!

Yesterday I took 47 pictures of a book my son brought home from the elementary school’s library. When he climbed in the car after I picked him up for an early dismissal he said, “Mom. Do you want to see the library books I got? One of them is kinda spooky.”

I said, “Sure!” thinking he was going to show me a book about spiders or maybe a Halloween-themed Scooby Doo book where the gang investigates a ghost that turns out to be a giant ice cream cone.

And he whipped THIS book out of his backpack and I was like TIME THE F*#K OUT.

I absconded with the book and took picture after picture of it, some with flash, some without, some on auto focus, some with manual focus, and decided I like the look of the manual-focus/no flash pictures you see below because it makes them look SPOOOOOOKIER.

This, Internet, is why you should always ask your kiddos to show you the books they check out at their schools’ libraries, so you’ll know why they start having nightmares about angry poltergeists sneaking into their bedrooms at night to throw their screaming, terrified bodies around in violent fashion before setting fire to the room.

Needless to say, my 3rd grade kid, who once had a zombie nightmare after playing Plants versus Zombies, and who I have assured a million times over that he has no need to worry about ghosts, will not be permitted to read this book.

I think the Table of Contents picture would look great framed in your living room. For the low low price of $75.

Look at me monetizing the SHIT out of this blog.

[throws signs]


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[fingerhearts], Fayette County

This is quite a story and the only other place on the planet I could see this happening is West Virginia.

Let me sum up, Westley!

A 14-year-old led police on a car chase in Fayette County while driving a van, slid to a stop in a field, desperately took off on foot only to finally be apprehended at which point the cops found a loaded handgun in his jeans pocket.

Now, you’d think he did this without an adult’s permission, but you would have thunk it wrong, Internet, because you’ve forgotten one very important thing — THIS IS FAYETTE COUNTY.

The van’s owner, Joseph D. Lewis Jr., 42, of Lemont Furnace, told police he “let his little dude drive it to go see his girl and he was to bring it right back,” according to the police report.

Brilliant!

Little Dude: “Hey, can I borrow your van?”

Adult: “You ain’t old enough to drive yet, son!”

Little Dude: “But I need to go see my girl.”

Adult: “Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?!” [tosses van keys to Little Dude]

Little Dude: “Thanks!” [Climbs in behind the wheel]

Adult: [realization dawns] “Hey! Wait just one minute! … Do you have a loaded gun?”

Little Dude: [pats pocket] “Right here.”

Adult: “Good boy. Now you bring the van RIGHT BACK, ya’ hear?”

Dear Fayette County, don’t ever change. Ever.

(h/t sleepgh)


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A new villain in town

Joining the Rogue Tree Pruner, the Petunia Desperado, the Sharply-Dressed Penny Thief, the One-Legged Wheelchair Bandit, the Egg Nog Thief, and the Soft-Spoken Robber we have …

This local crime posse we’re building here has the potential to become the funniest Saturday Night Live skit of all time, especially if we get a Hard-of-Hearing Pickpocket who would be all “I can’t understand a damn word the Soft-Spoken Robber and the Toothless Woman say!”


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