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Oh. My. Heck. YES!

The book jacket:

The year: 1990

The author: Caroline Bourne

The synopsis:

VISION OF BEAUTY
Dressing up as a ghost to scare an heiress away from her mansion wasn’t Cole Donovan’s cup of tea, but he’d been blackmailed and his only other choice was the gallows. The rugged Scotsman was in for a surprise — he hadn’t counted on his victim beng so spirited, so enchanting, and so sensuous that he could hardly keep from touching her. Frustrated with playing the role of a spirit from the past who’d drive the lovely lady insane, Cole decided he’d gladly risk his life to be her flesh and blood lover — and to drive the gorgeous blonde mad with desire for his passionate embrace.

PICTURE OF MANLINESS
Having been raised in Pennsylvania’s remote Allegheny Mountains, willowy Diana Rourke knew how to fend for herself. So when a shadowy male stepped out of her bedrom mirror, the self-sufficient country miss promptly raised her pistol and demanded a kiss from the handsome apparition. The violet-eyed heiress knew perfectly well that her midnight visitor was a man of flesh and blood, but she never expected the jolt of ecstasy that galvanized her senses when his flesh met hers and her blood raced through her veins! Reveling in the overwhelming experience, Diana suddenly cared not a whit if he were phantom or fact … all she wanted was to surrender to the sweet sensual pleasure of his ALLEGHENY ECSTASY.

Me: [blink] [blink] OH MY GOD, YES! I hope the word “confluence” is used in euphemistic fashion somewhere in this book.

Men everywhere: THAT IS THE PERFECT PENIS NAME.

(h/t to the incredible Burgher Sarah over at the wildly popular Smart Bitches Trashy Books who found this book and ordered it saying how proud she is to be a Burgher. I cannot wait to read her review on it and to hear whether or not the author refers to “his steel shaft” at any point. Or “blast furnace of yearning.” Or “their desire raged stronger than three rivers of lust.” Or “He brought his steed to an unexpected halt at the mouth of the tunnel.” I got a million of these, you guys.)





54 Comments

  1. Goob
    February 2, 2012 11:38 pm

    I’d pay good money for an audiobook version of that, as read by Al Michaels.



  2. Christina
    February 3, 2012 7:17 am

    ALLEGHENY ECSTASY – perfect name for a local band.



  3. Amanda
    February 3, 2012 7:29 am

    Thanks to you, I love SB Sarah too! Her reviews are hilarious! You should guest write one for her!



  4. AngryMongo
    February 3, 2012 7:32 am

    “He maintained speed as he passed through her tunnel”



  5. AngryMongo
    February 3, 2012 7:32 am

    should have said entered…. stupid no edit.



  6. Sarah
    February 3, 2012 8:39 am

    I have purchased a copy of this majestic book and will so be reading and reviewing it. It was published 22 years ago, so I expect there to be some high-grade crazysauce. A Scotsman posing as a ghost to scare a winsome, violet-eyed Western PA miss? He’s going to wish he hadn’t tried that.

    Also,I can’t wait to see the cover in person to figure out if she’s wrapped in long skeletal fingers or a fur made of anacondas.



  7. Cnik
    February 3, 2012 8:45 am

    “Their passion, kept apart by rivers and bridges they were afraid to cross”………



  8. Monty
    February 3, 2012 8:56 am

    How’s abaht she noticed that kennywood was open, so she took out his youdge kielbasa, played arahnd dahnnair for a bit and then he gave her a tahl to worsh herself off.

    You motherfuckers can’t out-romance me.



  9. Joyce
    February 3, 2012 8:56 am

    My favorite part of the cover is that random cat (ocelot? panther? Nittany Lion?) hanging out while they’re doin’ it in a tent. Like “Hey guys, don’t mind me. Go about your business.”



  10. SteelCity Magnolia
    February 3, 2012 8:58 am

    “Tunnel Monster” just took on a whole new meaning……



  11. red pen mama
    February 3, 2012 9:27 am

    +100 million. This is awesome!



  12. JennyMoon
    February 3, 2012 9:45 am

    Can I get this on my kindle?



  13. Dan (Not Onorato)
    February 3, 2012 9:58 am

    2 Things:

    I would like to hear Rick Sebak read this and…
    Do you think Sally Wiggin has this book next to her bed and think of Randy Baughman while she reads it



  14. bucdaddy
    February 3, 2012 11:27 am

    That is an unauthorized commercial use of my likeness and I demand it be taken down or you’ll be hearing from my attorneys.



    • bucdaddy
      February 3, 2012 11:29 am

      Also, I wouldn’t be whipping out my Tunnel Monster that close to the (literal) fires of passion. It already looks like I had all my chest hair singed off.



  15. Mikey
    February 3, 2012 11:28 am

    Just ordered one from amazon.com:

    1 of: Allegheny Ecstasy [Paperback]
    By: Caroline Bourne
    Condition: Used – Good
    Sold by: green_earth_books (seller profile)
    Item(s) Subtotal: $0.01
    Shipping & Handling: $3.99
    —–
    Total Before Tax: $4.00
    Estimated Tax To Be Collected: $0.00
    —–
    Grand Total: $4.00
    See tax and seller information

    What a steal. Hope I don’t have to have it steam-cleaned before I read it!



  16. Sooska
    February 3, 2012 12:59 pm

    Allegheny Ecstasy: Is this another way of saying “riding the elevator in the Cathedral of Learning?”



  17. Pensgirl
    February 3, 2012 1:10 pm

    He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.



  18. Cnik
    February 3, 2012 2:14 pm

    Diana was feeling more unserviced than a PAT Bus rider, and our hero, Cole, was unable to
    hop on her parkway and head for that small tunnel which badly needed it’s roof raised.



  19. Virginia
    February 3, 2012 3:57 pm

    We should attempt to write a Pittsburgh-themed trashy romance novel one 140-character limit blog comment at a time. It would probably win a Pulitzer.



    • Goob
      February 3, 2012 9:48 pm

      Held tightly in his arms, she looked up at him with big blue eyes and said, “Are you…are you going to put fries on that?”



    • Moxie Bestos
      February 4, 2012 8:24 am

      She was inclined to Mt. his Washington and let him pour steel into her ingot, but Pirates steelered her away. Her gateway clippered, he realized with sadness he could not occupy her Pittsburgh.



  20. Ian
    February 3, 2012 8:28 pm

    - Though he was very familiar with navigating her northern regions, he was completely lost on the southern end.

    - Even though he wasn’t from around these parts, she still allowed him to ride for free inside the golden triangle.



  21. Jen
    February 4, 2012 8:24 am

    These are the best comments ever. EVER. I am dying over here.



  22. Dr Kevlar
    February 4, 2012 8:27 am

    “He hovered for a moment over The Top of the Triangle, then plunged through her Crystal Palace to the Point where the Three Rivers Converge in a Fountain of Ecstasy…The Fedko Zone…”

    Excerpt from: “Pittsburgh’s Architectural Guide to Ecstasy” Read by John Fedko



  23. Cnik
    February 4, 2012 9:18 am

    She was left feeling as empty as a parking spot without a chair



  24. Virginia
    February 4, 2012 11:15 am

    These are the greatest comments since the Hittsburgh post. Go on.



  25. Virginia
    February 4, 2012 11:18 am

    Totally featuring some of these in a blog post on Monday. SO much brilliance.



  26. Dr Kevlar
    February 4, 2012 2:19 pm

    “Afterwards, as she lay there basking in the warm glow of sensual bliss, he looked upon her as she glistened like Paul Long’s head under the noontime sun…”



  27. Monty
    February 4, 2012 3:19 pm

    And she was overcome with sadness when she realized that, if Rod Scurry could have felt the unleashed boa that she just did, he never would have complained about a snake again.



  28. Butcher's Dog
    February 4, 2012 5:31 pm

    None of us have near enough to occupy our minds. Just sayin’.



  29. Sam's Dog
    February 4, 2012 6:58 pm

    C’mon- Nothing about a big wiener at the Dirty O ? And you people aspire to be writers.



  30. Pingback: “Youdge kielbasa” | That's Church

  31. bluzdude
    February 6, 2012 1:25 pm

    He considered goin’ in to her landing Strip District, near the Golden Triangle, but it was too slippy and he forgot his rubbers.



  32. Cnik
    February 6, 2012 1:29 pm

    “And moments later the real Allegheny Ecstasy began when our hero ‘headed for Beaver’”

    (how could we miss that obvious one?)



  33. toni
    February 6, 2012 3:03 pm

    Well if we’re going for the obvious:

    He went straight to Intercourse (PA) to avoid Blue Ball (PA)…….



  34. Pingback: There’s something about Ginny | That's Church


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