Oh. My. Heck. YES!

The book jacket:

The year: 1990

The author: Caroline Bourne

The synopsis:

VISION OF BEAUTY

Dressing up as a ghost to scare an heiress away from her mansion wasn’t Cole Donovan’s cup of tea, but he’d been blackmailed and his only other choice was the gallows. The rugged Scotsman was in for a surprise — he hadn’t counted on his victim beng so spirited, so enchanting, and so sensuous that he could hardly keep from touching her. Frustrated with playing the role of a spirit from the past who’d drive the lovely lady insane, Cole decided he’d gladly risk his life to be her flesh and blood lover — and to drive the gorgeous blonde mad with desire for his passionate embrace.

PICTURE OF MANLINESS

Having been raised in Pennsylvania’s remote Allegheny Mountains, willowy Diana Rourke knew how to fend for herself. So when a shadowy male stepped out of her bedrom mirror, the self-sufficient country miss promptly raised her pistol and demanded a kiss from the handsome apparition. The violet-eyed heiress knew perfectly well that her midnight visitor was a man of flesh and blood, but she never expected the jolt of ecstasy that galvanized her senses when his flesh met hers and her blood raced through her veins! Reveling in the overwhelming experience, Diana suddenly cared not a whit if he were phantom or fact … all she wanted was to surrender to the sweet sensual pleasure of his ALLEGHENY ECSTASY.

Me: [blink] [blink] OH MY GOD, YES! I hope the word “confluence” is used in euphemistic fashion somewhere in this book.

Men everywhere: THAT IS THE PERFECT PENIS NAME.

(h/t to the incredible Burgher Sarah over at the wildly popular Smart Bitches Trashy Books who found this book and ordered it saying how proud she is to be a Burgher. I cannot wait to read her review on it and to hear whether or not the author refers to “his steel shaft” at any point. Or “blast furnace of yearning.” Or “their desire raged stronger than three rivers of lust.” Or “He brought his steed to an unexpected halt at the mouth of the tunnel.” I got a million of these, you guys.)

54 comments on this post.
  1. Goob:

    I’d pay good money for an audiobook version of that, as read by Al Michaels.

  2. Christina:

    ALLEGHENY ECSTASY – perfect name for a local band.

  3. Amanda:

    Thanks to you, I love SB Sarah too! Her reviews are hilarious! You should guest write one for her!

  4. AngryMongo:

    “He maintained speed as he passed through her tunnel”

  5. AngryMongo:

    should have said entered…. stupid no edit.

  6. Butcher's Dog:

    If he maintained speed while entering her tunnel, it wouldn’t be Allegheny Ecstasy. Someplace else, maybe. Just sayin’.

  7. Sarah:

    I have purchased a copy of this majestic book and will so be reading and reviewing it. It was published 22 years ago, so I expect there to be some high-grade crazysauce. A Scotsman posing as a ghost to scare a winsome, violet-eyed Western PA miss? He’s going to wish he hadn’t tried that.

    Also,I can’t wait to see the cover in person to figure out if she’s wrapped in long skeletal fingers or a fur made of anacondas.

  8. Cnik:

    “Their passion, kept apart by rivers and bridges they were afraid to cross”………

  9. Monty:

    How’s abaht she noticed that kennywood was open, so she took out his youdge kielbasa, played arahnd dahnnair for a bit and then he gave her a tahl to worsh herself off.

    You motherfuckers can’t out-romance me.

  10. Joyce:

    My favorite part of the cover is that random cat (ocelot? panther? Nittany Lion?) hanging out while they’re doin’ it in a tent. Like “Hey guys, don’t mind me. Go about your business.”

  11. SteelCity Magnolia:

    “Tunnel Monster” just took on a whole new meaning……

  12. red pen mama:

    +100 million. This is awesome!

  13. JennyMoon:

    I cannot stop laughing!

  14. JennyMoon:

    Can I get this on my kindle?

  15. Dan (Not Onorato):

    Oh man Ive completely lost it…I have to say that its Monty FTW!

  16. Dan (Not Onorato):

    2 Things:

    I would like to hear Rick Sebak read this and…
    Do you think Sally Wiggin has this book next to her bed and think of Randy Baughman while she reads it

  17. empirechick:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks they have something going on!

  18. Noelle:

    just sprayed my monitor with cheap office coffee….

  19. Noelle:

    that was the first thing I noticed!

  20. bucdaddy:

    That is an unauthorized commercial use of my likeness and I demand it be taken down or you’ll be hearing from my attorneys.

  21. Mikey:

    Just ordered one from amazon.com:

    1 of: Allegheny Ecstasy [Paperback]
    By: Caroline Bourne
    Condition: Used – Good
    Sold by: green_earth_books (seller profile)
    Item(s) Subtotal: $0.01
    Shipping & Handling: $3.99
    —–
    Total Before Tax: $4.00
    Estimated Tax To Be Collected: $0.00
    —–
    Grand Total: $4.00
    See tax and seller information

    What a steal. Hope I don’t have to have it steam-cleaned before I read it!

  22. bucdaddy:

    Also, I wouldn’t be whipping out my Tunnel Monster that close to the (literal) fires of passion. It already looks like I had all my chest hair singed off.

  23. Sooska:

    Allegheny Ecstasy: Is this another way of saying “riding the elevator in the Cathedral of Learning?”

  24. Pensgirl:

    He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

  25. AngryMongo:

    Penn Ave Rear?

  26. AngryMongo:

    Join the club…

  27. Cnik:

    Diana was feeling more unserviced than a PAT Bus rider, and our hero, Cole, was unable to
    hop on her parkway and head for that small tunnel which badly needed it’s roof raised.

  28. Monty:

    I see what you did there. And I like it.

  29. Virginia:

    Or Myron Cope!

  30. Virginia:

    We should attempt to write a Pittsburgh-themed trashy romance novel one 140-character limit blog comment at a time. It would probably win a Pulitzer.

  31. Ian:

    - Though he was very familiar with navigating her northern regions, he was completely lost on the southern end.

    - Even though he wasn’t from around these parts, she still allowed him to ride for free inside the golden triangle.

  32. Goob:

    Held tightly in his arms, she looked up at him with big blue eyes and said, “Are you…are you going to put fries on that?”

  33. Jen:

    These are the best comments ever. EVER. I am dying over here.

  34. Moxie Bestos:

    She was inclined to Mt. his Washington and let him pour steel into her ingot, but Pirates steelered her away. Her gateway clippered, he realized with sadness he could not occupy her Pittsburgh.

  35. Dr Kevlar:

    “He hovered for a moment over The Top of the Triangle, then plunged through her Crystal Palace to the Point where the Three Rivers Converge in a Fountain of Ecstasy…The Fedko Zone…”

    Excerpt from: “Pittsburgh’s Architectural Guide to Ecstasy” Read by John Fedko

  36. Cnik:

    She was left feeling as empty as a parking spot without a chair

  37. Virginia:

    These are the greatest comments since the Hittsburgh post. Go on.

  38. Virginia:

    Dying from laughter.

  39. Virginia:

    HAH! I can’t even deal. So perfect.

  40. Virginia:

    Dirrrrrty!

  41. Virginia:

    Nope. Sad pandas, all of us.

  42. Virginia:

    Totally featuring some of these in a blog post on Monday. SO much brilliance.

  43. Dr Kevlar:

    “Afterwards, as she lay there basking in the warm glow of sensual bliss, he looked upon her as she glistened like Paul Long’s head under the noontime sun…”

  44. Monty:

    And she was overcome with sadness when she realized that, if Rod Scurry could have felt the unleashed boa that she just did, he never would have complained about a snake again.

  45. Butcher's Dog:

    None of us have near enough to occupy our minds. Just sayin’.

  46. Sam's Dog:

    C’mon- Nothing about a big wiener at the Dirty O ? And you people aspire to be writers.

  47. Dr Kevlar:

    One wonders if it is purring or simply bidding it’s time…

  48. “Youdge kielbasa” | That's Church:

    [...] Oh. My. Heck. YES! [...]

  49. Pensgirl:

    I was hoping someone would!

  50. bluzdude:

    He considered goin’ in to her landing Strip District, near the Golden Triangle, but it was too slippy and he forgot his rubbers.

  51. Cnik:

    “And moments later the real Allegheny Ecstasy began when our hero ‘headed for Beaver’”

    (how could we miss that obvious one?)

  52. toni:

    Well if we’re going for the obvious:

    He went straight to Intercourse (PA) to avoid Blue Ball (PA)…….

  53. Cassie:

    WIN!

  54. There’s something about Ginny | That's Church:

    [...] So when I was a junior in high school, I asked this boy to go to my prom with me, as he went to a different high school than I did. I still remember the phone call on that special phone my parents kept in the basement bedroom. The one with the button I could hold down so the voice of the person on the other end would be amplified for me to hear. He said yes and I laid on the bed for a while, but in my head I was frolicking in the clouds of Allegheny Ecstasy. [...]