Readin’ and thievin’

Alternate title: Because Kleptomaniacs Read Too

Apparently all the petty thieves (not to be confused with the Sharply Dressed Penny Thief) get their books and fish from the Bethel Park Public Library where the following chain of events has happened since last fall when 15 Glofish were purchased for the library’s aquarium:

— One died.

— Five disappeared over Thanksgiving. And I do mean disappeared. Gone.

— One fish disappeared per week until Christmas when there was only one fish left. (Hmm. That math doesn’t add up. And I totally carried the one. [thoughtfully chews on pipe stem])

— A few weeks ago, the last fish disappeared, leaving the tank completely empty.

— Somewhere in there, the algae eater disappeared too.

And that’s not all!

McIntosh witnessed a patron emptying the contents of a commercial canister of sugar into a plastic sandwich bag. The library used to supply individual small cups of liquid coffee creamer, but patrons stole those.

Last summer, someone was found picking green bell peppers from the library’s outdoor garden.

And now there’s a new item being stolen: Styrofoam cups.

This is kind of hilarious.

As an unofficial member of CSI:Pittsburgh, I’m willing to bet my Sunglasses of Justice on the thieves being either our growing Pittsburgh Petty Criminals Posse

… or the elderly.

Those old people will steal ANYTHING that isn’t nailed down. Heck, my grandma used to have a purse full of Sweet ‘n Low and she could have coated three loaves of toast with the various jam packets in there.

I can’t wait to be old so I can steal anything I want and get away with it — just shoving random crap I want into my giant giant purse.

Watch your back, David Conrad.

(h/t Lisa K.)


  1. bucdaddy
    February 14, 2012 5:32 pm

    Reminds me of this line:

    “Their number had dwindled to eight before the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.”

  2. Dr Kevlar
    February 15, 2012 6:43 am

    The Elderly amuse me. they depict themselves as the Pillars of the Earth. The Last Bastions of Proper Moral Behavior. Watch them in a restaurant! Purse opens and Poof! All the Sweet ‘n Low disappears…and the sugar…this is almost an epidemic at places like Ponderosa.

  3. Rich D
    February 15, 2012 7:58 am

    At a previous job, we would occassionally eat lunch at Old Country buffet. We would consistently see elderly people fill up a plate with food (especially fried chicken), take it back to their table, and then fill up a gallon size ziplock bag they stashed in their purse. We witnessed one couple make 6 trips. I think they got a weeks worth of meals for the price of two!

  4. mechel S
    February 15, 2012 8:31 am

    This is so fuuny, but true. I can not remember the last time I had a meal at my parents when the napkin did not have a McDonald’s or Wendy’s logo! haha….

  5. JMetheny
    February 15, 2012 8:48 am

    Years ago my plainclothes security guy nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a $35 razor.He’s wearing a tailored suit,his girlfriend a mink coat,driving a new Caddy,and has $400 cash in his wallet.He tried to buy his way out but just too fun seeing them cuffed and hustled out by the Pa state cops.

  6. Judy
    February 15, 2012 9:42 am

    Ha! This is so funny and true. I remember going to a Ponderosa one time and watching the two old ladies sitting next to us go up to the buffet with a plate and take the ENTIRE loaf of bread to their table, wrap it up in napkins, and stuff it in their bags. Another time I was in a restaurant and a lady could see we were done eating and about to leave. She asked me if she could have my son’s leftover shrimp (which he had played with and pulled all the tails off of). She wrapped them up in napkins and stuffed them in her purse while I looked on mouth agape. You can’t make this stuff up!

  7. bucdaddy
    February 15, 2012 11:56 am

    I was at a Golden Corral once* with the fattest and ugliest crowd of people I have ever seen. I mean this seriously. The customers were uglier than the help, if that tells you. It was like they bused them in from the Ugly Farm. Everywhere you turned, there was some stomach-wrenching blot of humanity piling up a tray three feet high. (I wasn’t the only one who thought this: My MiL, who has dementia, kept spouting, “Look at that woman!” [“Mom! Shhh!”] “LOOK at that woman!”) To get any food down, I had to stare at my plate, which was no oil painting either.

    Only now does it occur to me that maybe these people weren’t fat, they were stuffing entire loaves of bread into their sweatshirts. I have no explanation for the ugly.

    *–It wasn’t my choice, it was where Pap wanted to go.

  8. Jaime
    February 15, 2012 12:19 pm

    Do you remember when Eat’n Park used to give you a basket of crackers? My Gram would open up her purse and dump the whole basket in on her way out.

  9. Nancy
    February 16, 2012 2:29 am

    I was riding in a car with my dad, siblings and granparents when gramma opened up her purse, pulled out a baggie, and started eating the frog legs from the buffet we attended the day before!