Too sexy for his grey hair

Since they split ways with Cat Specter of Cat’s Call, the Post-Gazette has found a new advice columnist, Mary Ann Wellener, a sixty-ish real estate agent wife and mother who now writes Steel Advice. Her first question in her first ever column is a winner where winner is of the Charlie Sheen variety and not the Apolo Anton Ohno variety:

I am a personal trainer at a local sports facility. I have two great kids and a wonderful wife and life, but recently I have been the object of many seemingly innocent come-ons from the opposite sex. Apparently, I greatly resemble George Clooney, or so they keep telling me.

I will admit that I do see the similarity in my smile, but basically a recent haircut and my going salt and pepper seem to have triggered this onslaught of willing women.

I know, you might say “So, where’s the problem?” Well, just like many celebrities out there I am having trouble keeping my ego in check. My wife is great, really, but she doesn’t give me the sort of adulation that these other women provide.

You gotta go read the rest to see what advice he is seeking (hint: “HOW DO I STOP BEING SO AWESOME AND SEXY AND SILKY SMOOTH?!!?”) and to read Mary Ann’s advice to him (hint: “I’D LIKE TO BASH YOUR EGOTISTICAL BRAIN IN WITH A 20-POUND DUMBBELL”).

Also, if this was CSI: Pittsburgh, I’d be all, “We’re looking for a male salt and pepper-haired personal trainer, probably in his forties, with a dental hygienist wife and two kids. You’ll know him by his [sunglasses] douchieus maximus.”

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!





23 Comments

  1. Amanda
    February 14, 2012 1:27 pm

    I love Mary Ann–she’s just awesome! And Mr. George Clooney look-alike makes me want to gag with his arrogance.



  2. Mamabear
    February 14, 2012 1:43 pm

    That was awesome. Must read her again next week.



  3. Magus Patris
    February 14, 2012 1:58 pm

    Douchieus Maximus; my brother.



  4. Scott
    February 14, 2012 2:20 pm

    In my experience, male personal trainers are total d-bags.



  5. Butcher's Dog
    February 14, 2012 2:34 pm

    His wife doesn’t give the adulation other women give him? Seriously? This guy needs to find the George Carlin riff on the difference between “woman” and “wife”. Wouldn’t hurt some of the rest of yinz, neither. I really miss Carlin.



    • Amanda
      February 14, 2012 3:04 pm

      So I just tried to find it, but I think it would help if I knew the title of the whole bit? B/c haven’t come across it yet, but would like to.



      • Butcher's Dog
        February 14, 2012 5:31 pm

        Sorry, Amanda, I couldn’t find it right away either. Deals with the sound of the words. “Woman” is soft and round; he drags out the “o” sound a lot. “Wife” sounds like “knife”; sharp and cutting. I heard it a long time ago; it’s obviously a helluva lot funnier hearing him do it. If I find it, I’ll post it.



  6. JMetheny
    February 14, 2012 2:48 pm

    Well I’ll be damned.Better run off to Supercuts and get that Clooney haircut.That’s the ticket .Unbelievable.



  7. Katie
    February 14, 2012 3:13 pm

    I think I know this guy, or at least someone at my gym fits the description. I’ll have to find out if his wife is a dental hygienist. If so, I may have to out him!



  8. TripleC
    February 14, 2012 3:20 pm

    I can’t be the only one that sees the resemblance of Mary Ann to Dr Ruth?



  9. Jaime
    February 14, 2012 4:29 pm

    Soooo, is she saying that people who live together without being married are disrespectful of their parents, lying to themselves about their relationship and have no chance of getting married?



    • Christina
      February 14, 2012 7:38 pm

      No, she just says that staying with somebody who does not want the same in life like you is a waste of time. Not because it is a bad person – it is just not working out. And it’s true.



  10. Donncha
    February 14, 2012 5:11 pm

    Who are the people that send in these letters? I mean, how do they check these people out to make sure they’re not pulling a prank? “Hello? Is this the Almost-a-Clooney-House? May I speak to Not-Quite-George? Hell, Mr. Clooney Clone? This is the Post-Gazette. We’re just calling to verify a lett … Hello? Hello?”



  11. bucdaddy
    February 14, 2012 5:29 pm

    They printed my letter? Cool.*

    *–bucdaddy is not an actual personal trainer, unless personally training Mrs. bucdaddy to enjoy good beer counts.



  12. bucdaddy
    February 14, 2012 6:05 pm

    The “my boyfriend ignores me/cheats on me/lies to me/beats me/held a gun to my head and threatened to blow my brains out/all of the above but I love him, do you think we have a chance?” letters are always my favorites. Reminds me that self-esteem can go even lower than zero.

    That, I assume, is how 11-year-old boys end up getting the shit beat out of them for nine hours until they die.



  13. PittCheMBA
    February 14, 2012 10:24 pm

    I like Mary Ann’s response, but you do not need to be an advice columnist to come up with the same answer. Bring back Cat!



    • Carol
      February 15, 2012 10:59 am

      I agree, bring back Cat. I still check her website every few days. I also like Help Me, Harlan which the Post-Gazette buries in the Sunday want ads every week.
      Just going on the first column by Steel Advice, she’s an Ann Landers clone…which isn’t BAD, but I’m tired of the 1-2 sentence solutions for everything. I’ll give her a chance, but..meh…



    • Marcy
      February 16, 2012 11:47 am

      Amen. The format was totally ripped off from Cat’s column and the answers were, in my opinion, downright snarky. Yawn!



  14. Dr Kevlar
    February 15, 2012 6:49 am

    You know your relationship is in trouble when a partner complains about a lack of “adulation.”

    How does one tell there has been a drop off? Does the Altar to You appear a bit dsheveled/dusty? Have the neighbor fraus und frauleins stopped touching your garments as they dryy on the clothesline??

    I guess it is not easy being so much better looking than everyone else.



  15. Scott
    February 15, 2012 10:08 am

    Bucdaddy, come on dude….figure out where the line is and try not to cross it.



    • Butcher's Dog
      February 15, 2012 11:15 am

      Line for what, Scott? The truth? There are letters like the one bucdaddy makes fun of all the time, people who live that life all the time, and awful things done to young kids by “mom’s boyfriend” that turn fatal. What’s the problem with pointing out that self-esteem issues and staying with a loser can be bad for innocent bystanders? Domestic Collateral Damage is usually inflicted on those who deserve better.